Alone in my lake

Even with children I feel alone in my own lake.

If I stay in the boat, I remain alone.

If I jump out and swim for my life I will drown.

I feel so exhausted in this battle.

To know what I want I am unable to change.

And what wants me, is still out there asking.

I love what is out there.  I love HIM I do, I care very much about him but the situation is just not possible, even if HE left her.

I have this man here.  That I love, that loves me, he just can’t swim on his own.

And I am tired of swimming for the both of us.

When do you walk away?

How do you walk away?

I am so afraid if I do, I am his last string.  His last effort.  His last reason.

I am so afraid he will die.  I will get that call.

And will I be able to live with myself or forgive myself for not swimming a little longer?

What will my kids think?

Will they think I stood on the shore and watched him drown?

I have failed to show them my efforts, trying to protect them.

I don’t want to put adult issues in their childhood memories.

I don’t want them to worry.

I don’t want them to grow up too fast.   Faster than they already are.

I want to push him under long enough to scare the shit out of him.

Show him with my last bit of strength and effort what he is doing to himself.

Let him see when he is almost gone me pulling him up out of his water.

Scream stop at the top of my lungs.   Let him see his children standing on the shore.

I hate prescription drugs.  I hate what they have done to my life.

My once perfect loving life.

I am lonely.  I miss my husband.  This is his addiction not mine.

I am so close to walking away.

Thing is I know where I’ll end up if I do.   I don’t want that for anyone involved.

 

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6 thoughts on “Alone in my lake

  1. If I can use your analogy of being in the lake and watching your husband drown. How many times have you read in the paper or heard on the news of someone jumping in to save a drowning person and the person they jumped in to save lives and the savior downs? It happens all the time, the drowning person either pulls them both down or the one saving him gets too tired and pulled under. A hero, a dead hero.

    I know addiction very well. I was addicted to Demerol; 40 pills a day, I quit with extensive therapy, learning pain management skills, relaxation therapy etc. But I wanted to quit.
    I was married to an alcoholic that almost killed himself in a motorcycle accident with a blood alcohol reading of 2.0 I nursed him for 2 years and finally left him when the bar was still more important than his son and me. It took 3 more impaired charges and court ordered AA before he finally quit. He was the love of my life and we carried a torch for each other for almost 10 yrs, we did try again but too much water under the bridge. He has been sober over 20 yrs, quit on my birthday, for the first 5 years I went to every one of his anniversary at AA but he’s been in a relationship for 15 yrsand is happy I think.
    My brother, Mr GQ, pillar of the community, business owner of a million dollar company at the age of 35 confessed to mainlining heroin.
    My folks paid for the best rehabs, he was kicked out of every one finally he completed a program, my folks got him a place next door to them, gave him a vehicle, everyone coddled him afraid stress would drive him to use again. His wife and son came and spent the weekend with him on his birthday, his son was 4. The next morning after they left my mom noticed at 10 she hadn’t seen him let his dog out so my step dad went over to check and found him naked, with a needle sticking out of his arm. The ambulance was called and miraculously he survived without any permanent damage. They put him back in rehab, he ran away. He lost everything, his wife, business, I was the only one who even talked to him. I remember being on my knees with grief in my living room on the phone with him telling him to just call me and breath even if he had nothing to say just breath so I know you’re alive. He eventually cleaned up on his own. He is remarried, has a wonderful relationship with his son and is once again Mr GQ pillar of the community.
    What I’m trying to say is; he won’t do it for you, he has to do it for himself and he will probably have to lose everything before it hits him. It is not up to you to save him. It is your responsibility to provide a safe, healthy home for your kids, and he is not healthy. What do you want your kids to learn? If they were in a relationship like this would you want them to sacrifice everything or would you encourage them to sAve themselves and their children? Daddy is sick right now and can’t live with us.

    You can’t make the decision based on HIM, if HE is meant to be it will be some where down the road. Right now you need to step back, go back to basics; kids first and foremost, you heal your heart and not be involved with anyone right now. The rest will work itself out. The other people are adults too let them act like it and sorry this might sting; stop being a martyr. Take care of you and your kids.
    I say this with the most loving kindNess I truly do.
    All the best whatever you decide.
    Carrie

  2. You poor thing! It might help to talk to a professional. It might clear your thinking, help you figure out what you need to do. My 2 cents is that he cannot get better while he is able to depend on you to constantly “rescue” him. You should feel no guilt, if you separate as amicably as possible so that he can find his feet (or not). At least he’ll be free to make his own choices.
    That being said its the hardest thing to let go when you love someone. I have the same issues with my anorexic daughter whom I love dearly, but I am unable to cure.

  3. I share your feelings, if not your situation, especially in regards to your feelings for your husband and Him. My situation is between my wife and HER. I hope YOU find your way to a safe shore. You’ve been such an inspiration to us all.

  4. This is heart breaking, and I completely relate to your feelings, there are time that is hard to do the right thing. Stay Strong 🙂 don’t do it for him do it for them, your kids and for yourself.

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