Even with children I feel alone in my own lake.
If I stay in the boat, I remain alone.
If I jump out and swim for my life I will drown.
I feel so exhausted in this battle.
To know what I want I am unable to change.
And what wants me, is still out there asking.
I love what is out there. I love HIM I do, I care very much about him but the situation is just not possible, even if HE left her.
I have this man here. That I love, that loves me, he just can’t swim on his own.
And I am tired of swimming for the both of us.
When do you walk away?
How do you walk away?
I am so afraid if I do, I am his last string. His last effort. His last reason.
I am so afraid he will die. I will get that call.
And will I be able to live with myself or forgive myself for not swimming a little longer?
What will my kids think?
Will they think I stood on the shore and watched him drown?
I have failed to show them my efforts, trying to protect them.
I don’t want to put adult issues in their childhood memories.
I don’t want them to worry.
I don’t want them to grow up too fast. Faster than they already are.
I want to push him under long enough to scare the shit out of him.
Show him with my last bit of strength and effort what he is doing to himself.
Let him see when he is almost gone me pulling him up out of his water.
Scream stop at the top of my lungs. Let him see his children standing on the shore.
I hate prescription drugs. I hate what they have done to my life.
My once perfect loving life.
I am lonely. I miss my husband. This is his addiction not mine.
I am so close to walking away.
Thing is I know where I’ll end up if I do. I don’t want that for anyone involved.