When something big is a trigger.

Its overcast here and rainy.  This is one of my favorite types of weather!  My absolute favorite is when it is cold enough to snow but isn’t.   Crunchy leaves on the ground, sharpness in the air, new jeans and long warm scarves.   Crockpot dinners, changing colors on the trees, red rosy cheeks on the kids when they come in.  Flannel sheets, cozy PJ’s and someone to cuddle to sleep with.

I’m not going to lie, just like HIS letter said, this weather “puts you (me) in my (HIS) head”.  And it does the same to me.   I think  because we had a year and a half together the closest most personal part of our relationship fell during the fall and winter.   We met in the summer.  But for six months we only talked.   So we started getting really close and seeing each other in October/November.  Right smack dab in the middle of my favorite weather.   I was so happy that fall.   The tears and emotional stuff was shared during the winter months that year.  Spring was nice because I was getting close to his family but I think that was when it just started to all go wrong.   Summer came and I was helping them move, having sleepovers with their kids and started to get more in touch with my actions and what I was doing.   It started to spiral out of control.   Just became too much.   No one else should have ever been involved.   Our actions hurt a lot of people.

But when the fall colors change, and the scarves get pulled out, and the coffees in hand are fall flavors and the air is brisk the breeze pushing my hair away from my face, the same way it did when I would stand at my car telling HIM goodbye for the evening, it is HIM that comes to mind.  HIM grabbing my scarf and wrapping it tighter around my neck and shoulders to keep me warm on the way home. He would then use it to pull me in to kiss me goodbye.

Damn this weather.   This is a big trigger for me.   I can’t make the season go away.

Nor would I want to.


3 thoughts on “When something big is a trigger.

  1. I am sorry that you have to reminded of him during the Fall months. It is a beautiful time with the leaves changing colors and the air becoming cool. Like Quieter Elephant said “It’s good to connect with positive memories”. Because it happened and there is nothing you can do about it besides know that it once existed. It will also remind you of the pain you never want to feel again. Stay Strong!!

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