I am telling you, I am all over the board as far as emotions go.
I’m in this mood this morning, where no one can bring me down.
Dancing to songs, you know when there is a little bounce in your step?
Coffee is perfect.
Kids are happy, morning went well.
I told my husband in a text message this:
“Us is up to you and I will not wait forever, because I want to be happy and in love with someone. I would like for this someone to be you however I will not wait any longer for happy. I deserve more than to have to wait. I will hold your hand, but I will not hold you up anymore. I will not save you, fix you or pay everything I have to make you better. I feel I have tried and done all those things and it has never worked. So I am going to be selfish. Pick me, choose your family, kick the drugs or say goodbye to your family. Last chance. This is the last effort in my bag of ‘what to do’s’. I want to feel like I did with you in the beginning. Before all of this we were amazing. Happy. Perfect. That couple everyone wanted to be. I don’t need perfection. I just need clean. I have come to realize I have exhausted myself trying to help you and it all was a waste of time, because no one can save you but you. I am here for you, and I love you. I will not be your crutch anymore. Stand and walk on your own, next to me. ”
I was all proud of sending it. It was so hard to hit send. I knew one of two things would happen. Wed have another good few months, (and maybe he would really get clean) OR I wouldn’t hear from him because he knew the addiction would be winner.
I sent it and waited. Nothing came back. SHIT.
Do I text more? NO. That is what I WOULD HAVE done in the past, try a diffrent approach. NO conversation after my demand. NONE.
I laid in bed annoyed. Kids sleeping. Reading. I had to read over and over each paragraph because I wasn’t absorbing the words I was reading because I couldn’t stop thinking about why he wouldn’t answer. Maybe he didn’t get it? Maybe he did and is to ‘high’ to reply. Guess what I did?
I started sending text pictures.
Our marriage license.
Our wedding picture.
The picture of our daughter when she was born.
The picture of our son when he was born.
The picture of us standing in front of the house we bought.
The picture of us on vacation.
The picture of my wedding ring.
The bottle hanging of champagne unopened from the limo we rented when we got married.
The room key to the Brown Palace hotel room from our wedding night.
The stack of recommendation letters for his work.
Our bed (funny story when we bought it I’ll have to tell you the story sometime).
Our daughters sports trophies.
Her report card of all A’s.
The picture of him holding my son in the hospital when he was so sick.
After all of those pictures I simply texted,
I want and need more pictures, and I want them to have taken place with you in our life.
Thirty minutes later he was home. A crying sobbing mess.
God help me know what to do and say is all I could think. I really felt like I shouldn’t say anything. That the pictures I sent said a thousand words.
I’m not holding my breath. But he was here, he came home. This morning he went to work and told me he would be home after work.