My house is clean. My laundry is done. I did sports, homework, dinner, showers, made sure the kids brushed their teeth, made sure they have clean uniforms for school tomorrow, put them to bed, dusted, changed my sheets, vacuumed, did the dishes, bought a new table, paid my cell phone bill, took out the trash, lit a candle, turned on the TV for my favorite show, (Parenthood) and poured a glass of wine. I have a problem. I can’t NOT sit still. I am cleaning to the point there is nothing more to clean. Seriously. I vacuumed three times today. Now granted I have five kids, so they were tracking the fall leaves in but wouldn’t a SANE person just vacuum at the end of the day VS several times a day? A ‘normal’ person would say I needed a hobby but seriously the thought of doing one more thing or adding one more thing to my/our schedule is enough to make me want to jump off a cliff. I started taking Xanax for anxiety. My lovely Dr. prescribed it after he asked me how I am doing, (physical) and I just started bawling. I said I am not worried about being a mom or going to do anything crazy I don’t feel like that. I just feel (my exact words) like I am standing in a scary movie and it is the part where you KNOW the bad guy is going to jump out. I find myself frantically moving about DOING DOING DOING and holding my breath. I feel like I can’t breathe. Yet when I sit down or relax or do something for me ITS TEN TIMES WORSE. I think my affair took up so much of my time and made me happy that it took the time to be obsessive away. I think when I was so focused on my husband and his where-abouts and his pills, and his surroundings and being his mom that I didn’t think about me or pay attention to the leaves on the floor I didn’t have time to do it. I don’t really have time now, don’t misunderstand. I’ve tried watching movies. Netflix is my new bff. I’ve tried reading I can’t focus I have to read a paragraph two or three times to comprehend it. Not sleeping at night doesn’t help either. It just adds being a royal grump-ass to the problem. So needless to say he thought it was anxiety. We will see. Thats all for now. I need to go vacuum. Kidding. Well kinda. I could vacuum my bedroom. Sigh. Night all. I appreciate all of you! CHEERS!