A little bit of this and a little bit of that….

I couldn’t sleep last night.  Surprise, surprise.

I laid there all night, (I’m not kidding when I say all night, I remember seeing the clock last at 5:10 and got up at 6:30).   During the day I can clean and change my focus– stay busy, and avoid thinking of either of them.    But at night, its a different situation.  It’s quiet.  The house is already clean.   There is nothing to do but think.  I can’t read or work on paperwork because I am too tired, yet not tired enough to sleep.   My girlfriend says Xanax helps her sleep, I am not seeing that.  It makes that nervous feeling go away but I’m still awake.

My husband looks better.   He is doing awesome.  I’m seeing that ‘light’ in his eyes coming back on… he doesn’t appear to be in a daze.   I’m talking to him civilly but not friendly does that make sense?  I let him have the kids and they went to the pumpkin patch.  I dropped them off to him.  He asked me to go.  I kindly said I had a few things to do and left.  I sat in my car a little ways away and just cried.  I wanted to be there with them SO badly.  I want that family stuff again but just can’t jump in too soon if even at all.

I may need to have surgery on my hip.  I’m freaking out.   As if I can do that….   One more thing to make being alone even more impossible.   I find myself constantly thrown into situations where I need the help of someone.  Let me tell you that it sucks to be alone, but let me tell you what it is like to be alone and really NEED someone.   I can’t deal with my mom for that long.  Not that she’d even stay with me and help me with five kids.  But who else is there?  My teens could step up and help at night but they have school all day… and my business I can hire temp help, but I don’t know… and the thought of sports and schedules… enough to CAUSE ANXIETY.  LOL more meds.

My husband says there is an easy solution, to LET him help me.

Well with surgery comes pain meds….

yeah, no.  NOT AN OPTION.

Although I dream about (if and when I sleep lol) someone helping me.   Taking care of me.  Being able to be here all the time for me.  Being able to leave my meds on my side table by my bed and have someone not even think of taking them, leaving me without any, leaving me in pain.   I want that person that thinks of me being in pain, being their own pain.  Someone who loves me so much they would never want me to hurt or be in pain.  So I tell my doctor I need to plan, figure and think about this surgery.

Last night I was thinking to myself.

What would I do if HE knocked on my door?  Would I open it?  (yes of course)

Then what?   I feel like I’ve come so far but I know for a fact if he knocked I’d loose it in a moments time.   I play that coffee shop scene in my head over and over.   Our talk.  That kiss on my head.  Me going outside and hugging him.   Thats all I want is the comfort.   I don’t need the sex.   I don’t need the sneaking.  I don’t need the excitement.  I just miss the friendship and the caring and genuine compassion.   I just think we were both treated so badly that we miss the respect we BOTH had for each other.

My dads doesn’t like Mexican food very often, but when he does he LOVES a certain restaurant here.   There is only one of them and it is SERIOUSLY NO JOKE across the street from HIS house.   I don’t mean two minutes away.  I mean when you sit on their patio eating, you can SEE his house.   My dad got a promotion, (yes he is still working because my dad is a workaholic and can’t retire and sit on his ass and do nothing lol) and with this promotion he wanted to go to dinner and celebrate and of course this is where he wanted to go.  Instantly I try and think of a million excuses not to go.   What if they are there?  What if I run into them.   What if she sees my car?  What if she thinks I am eating there just to rub myself into her face?  My car stands out… its not a ‘on the road everywhere vehicle’.   So the whole time we are eating I feel like I am going to vomit.  I had two margaritas each sip just made me stare at his house longer.   My dad points to their housing development…. he says, “you could move up here, this is a good little subdivision!”   Do I have torture me written on my head?  It looks as though he is pointing to their house.   Sip.  Sip.  Sip.  Needless to say I was so anxious to leave and then he says, we should get some ice cream at this little ice cream shop right here… the kids would love it, “HEY KIDS YOU WANT AN ICE CREAM CONE?”  Great… five hundred feet CLOSER to his house.   The lights are on in their upstairs bedrooms… the bedrooms I helped them paint.   I know from their windows that they couldn’t ‘SEE’ me but I know they could ‘SEE’ my car.  My kids ate their ice cream laughing and I watched my dad smiling with my kids.  Instantly I was pissed.  *THIS SITUATION*  is  affecting  memories being set with my dad.   My dad is my world and he wanted to buy them ice cream and I am stressing out if she will see my car.   Thats it.  We live in the same city.  What happened happened.  My kids are having ice cream with my dad here.  She can deal.  and I can deal.  Thats what happens when you live seriously MINUTES apart.

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One thought on “A little bit of this and a little bit of that….

  1. Sweetheart, I hope it will improve with your hip… is it a sure thing, the operation? It really does sound like the last thing you need now…

    …and I’m really glad to read your last few words – that’s the thing, when the past stops us from living in the present, it’s the biggest tragedy. I lived like that most of this year, and now am actively fighting against it.

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