Shhhhhh! It’s a secret….

What would you do if….

You and I were really good friends and you found out this was my blog?   Would you be shocked that this was ‘my’ story?  Would you be mad that I had an affair?  Would your view of me change if you knew me?  Would you hug me understandingly or would you be pissed that I didn’t talk to you?  Its not quite the story you can share with people without them judging you.  I was just curious if you read a blog as CrAzY as mine, and found out it was one of your best friends what would you do?


32 thoughts on “Shhhhhh! It’s a secret….

  1. I would probably be shocked that you were having all these problems then angry that you didn’t tell me what was going on so I could help you, then I would forget about all that frustration and hug you because your my best friend and you have been trough so much, and try to be with you and help you out from that point on.

  2. I also have a blog, though my life was not quite as CrAzY as yours, it was my life that really, no one knew about. In my experience, it is helpful to have someone to talk to; however, I would not let any friends in on the secret of your blog. In doing so, you will inevitably edit everything you write. That being said, if you and I were really good friends and I somehow stumbled upon your blog and figured out it was you, I would be sympathetic to your situation and try and be there for you in your time of stress. A friend is a friend – what kind of friend would I be if I had a friend in need and I chose to judge them rather than be there for them…?

  3. Knowing what I do now, I’d think you’re one of the sanest people around. That being said, I wouldn’t want any of my friends to read my blog. Its too personal, and none of them are that close. Besides, my guy friends would think I’m crazy for sure. Do you have any friends that you’d confide in to the degree you confide by writing this blog?
    If I let a female friend read my blog, I think it would make them uncomfortable with me, it would be crossing a line of intimacy I think. Anonymously, it doesn’t cross that line. I don’t know why?

  4. If you were someone I knew in real life, I found your blog, and previously I didn’t know anything about this part of your life, I would probably feel very empathetic towards you. I might also wonder why you hadn’t confided in me before. If you truly were “one of my best friends,” I would question whether you thought the same of me.

      • I came back and re-read your post just a second ago. This sentence jumped out at me, “Would you hug me understandingly or would you be pissed that I didn’t talk to you?” I would definitely want to hug you. I wouldn’t be “pissed” that you didn’t talk to me, but I might question whether you really wanted that hug or would prefer to keep me at arm’s length.

        On the other hand, I get the need for privacy. I certainly don’t post my blog publically on my personal Facebook page or anything like that. One friend has stumbled onto it, and he is very supportive – even though he was originally my husband’s friend and we weren’t close at all before we became “blogging buddies.”

        My Mom knows that I have a blog, but hasn’t asked for the site. A few of the women in my S-Anon group know about it, and one came across it last week while searching for some support. She mentioned a few things from some of my recent posts at our meeting on Sunday that made us both realize she was reading MY blog. That was quite an interesting coincidence.

        When it all comes down to it, I definitely wouldn’t judge you harshly or look at you negatively at all. I would feed sad for you. I would probably feel a sense of unreality knowing that someone close to me was going through such horrible things when I thought they were okay. Maybe some things would starting making more sense when I looked back over conversations we had or things I had seen. I would want you to know I am there. I would offer support or a shoulder to cry on, but I would make sure to give you any space you wanted. And if you asked, I would definitely stop reading.

  5. Heh. I’ve wondered the same thing at times. A few of my RL friends do know about my blog but most do not. I get WAY too intimate on here.

    If you were my friend and I found out? I’d be surprised, however, because you’re SO honest and raw about everything, I’d try to see things from your perspective, even though I’m on the other side. I know things aren’t black and white. I know people make mistakes (I have too, obviously). As for judging? Hell, I’ve done some stupid shit in my lifetime and I know what it feels like to be judged. I haven’t walked a mile in your shoes. I’d like to think we could support each other honestly. I’ve tried to look at my husbands infidelity through his perspective and to have empathy and some understanding.

    I don’t think my view of you would change. I’d probably be surprised yes. But deep down, no I don’t think my view of you would change.

  6. I don’t think I have posted a reply on your blog yet, but I read every new post I see. You inspire me!

    I would, of course hug you and tell you that I understand. I recently told my dearest friend about my struggles, which are nothing like yours, but to this friend, what I shared with her was the equivalent of a soap opera story line. She was shocked! After she got over the initial shock, she was hurt that I hadn’t shared what was going on in my life. I was so worried that she would judge me and that it would ruin our friendship. It didn’t. It made it stronger and I now make it a point to share more.

  7. I’ve always believed that each person has his/her own story to tell… so I have always been open to situations, either be it sane or crazy… more so if it happened to a good friend. i would respect why you kept your blog to yourself, as each and everyone of us has a different way of letting our emotions out…and when you’re ready to talk about it, i won’t offer any advice unless you seek one, all i’d just do is lend a listening ear and give you a hug…

  8. i did find a friend’s blog about an affair she was having. Did I chastise her? Hell no.
    This was years before my own affair. Humans ain’t perfect, we make poor judgements all the time. I called her and told her my discovery. She told me everything and all I did was listen. That’s what she needed. writing about it anonymously is GREAT, but there comes a time when it gets old and human contact with someone who knows and loves you is what is best.

  9. I will ditto what Samantha wrote – we are all human and make mistakes. If I discovered that I was your RL friend, I would hug you and offer a shoulder should you need to talk about your life and feelings. I think one of the hardest things about discovering my husband’s affair is that I don’t want to confide in any of my local friends because I don’t want to be pitied and because my husband and I both socialize with some of them. I don’t want him to be judged for what ultimately was a joint breakdown in our marriage.

  10. Because of my situation, I’d hug you and then we could talk for hours about the cons of being a mistress. But, it’s rare in real life to find someone who can be non-judgemental when it comes to affairs. It’s too personal. Women put themselves in the wife’s shoes and get angry and insecure in their own relationship. They draw conclusions and start seeing their marriage completely different. They blame you for any heartache you might feel and tell you that you get what you deserve. No, real life friends are not as tolerant as strangers through the blogosphere.

  11. Unfortunately, I know exactly how any of my family or friends would react if they found out about my affair…Only bc my H told everyone and anyone who was close to us about the horrible thing I did on DDay. I do not blame him for his reaction at all though. On DDay – my H told both our parents, our siblings, extended family, best friends, and friends. Of course, my mom, sister, and best friend ran to my side to walk with me while my world collapsed. It took me about 3 weeks for me to be able to face my father in person which was sad bc all he wanted to do was take care of his little girl. His family and his group of friends cut me off immediately…except for the occasional nasty text msg from one of them every few weeks (I never responded to anyone’s text msg and I never told my H about the msgs either). We separated for almost 5 months and when we decided to try and make our marriage work – I had to face his mother and brother alone and apologize for what I had done. Then I had to go to dinner with his group of friends and their wives and apologize to them.

    His friends were not just friends to us – they were family. We went through the hardships of dating together, we all were in each others weddings, godparents to each others children etc. Every birthday, every holiday, every special lifetime moment was spent with them for over 15 years. So yes, I loved them like they were my family. But I lost it all the moment they heard about what I did. It’ll be a year soon since my H and decided to reconcile and since then, I have been over to their homes for parties, our kids play sports together so I see them on the weekends, we have gone on a couple of vacations together…but it is not the same. Every time we get together, I am excluded for the first few hours from conversations between the wives and the husbands I think feel a little bit bad for me so they try and make small talk. There is a strange air of uncomfortableness between us now.

    I lost quite a few people bc of this affair…People whom I will always love and I will always appreciate any kindness that they show me bc of the love they have for my H. They were his support when he needed them and I am grateful. But I still, I can no longer think of them as OUR friends, let alone OUR family…I’m just their friend’s “wife” now – nothing more to them. It’s lonely being surrounded by people who USED to love you…but I’m paying for my “sins” and living with the consequences of my A. Sorry for the long post. I’ve been struggling this week…Thanks for letting me vent.

    • I’m thinking of you. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. Its such a complicated thing. No one truly understands it unless they have been there themselves. And if they have been there, they know that it isn’t black or white. There is a LOT of grey.

      • I just came to check on you.

        I was reading through the comments to this post bc I was thinking about it.

        Two of my friends do know about my blog. I confided in them from the get-go and then when I felt like I was bothering them with my issues, I just told them they could come to my blog and read up to know what was going on and offer their input if they wanted.

        One of them no longer comments and we are starting to grow distant. I no longer feel like I can trust her with my information, but I can’t do much about it now. I could make it private, then I’d have to add all of my regular readers and new readers wouldn’t be able to stumble across it. My point is to leave it available so “newcomers” can take from it what they find helps them.

        Anyways, she has never gone through this before, and neither has the other, but she has been the cheater before and she is also Mike’s ex before me (she is now my best friend…imagine that! Strange, I know). So she knows Mike very well and she has been a great amount of support when she can, especially in the beginning.

        IMO, our blogs are best shared with strangers who share similar experiences. There is no worry about awkwardness for anyone and you don’t have to worry about watching what you say. You can blog without inhibition and that helps your recovery to be more authentic when soliciting support from others.

      • and I really feel like in front of you friends would be supportive but there would for SURE be discussion behind the scenes… especially if they haven’t walked in those shoes.

  12. I think that by sharing your craziness with me I will share mine with you. Then we can just be their for eachother – like the friend we need and want the chance to be.

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