The Love of Your Life

The Love of Your Life.

I love this.  I had to reblog it!  Simply true, simply amazing!

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The Goo Goo Dolls were playing outside, live the first time I met him. Little did I know how much some of their songs would mean later…

And I’d give up forever to touch you
‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
When sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t want to miss you tonight

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you’d bleed just to know you’re alive

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

Lost

I want to get lost with you.

For a long time.

With no distractions.

In an unfamiliar city, where we don’t know anyone.
Where I could walk holding your hand.
Hug and kiss you while waiting for a table at some fun restaurant.
Walk in and out of our hotel together.
Feel your hands on me before we even get into a hotel room.
Drop our things at the door and have your kisses lead me to the bed in the dark.
Feel clothes leaving my body as your skin meets me.
Feel your mouth on all parts of me.  The coldness of your lips and warmth of your tongue.
Feel your excitement leaving trails of leaking wetness.
Being amazed at how your body takes over and finds its way inside of me on its own with no help.
Being speechless at how wet you make me.
Being aware of nothing but you above and below me.
Hearing you while you do these things to me.
Forgetting life for a bit.
Remembering you for awhile.
Turning off our phones for a few hours.
Falling asleep with you and getting to wake up next to you the next morning.
After making love to each other a few times during the night.

 

Speechless and Raw this morning.

 

So you are in my head. Well,  you are always in my head but today is different.  Your words are spinning through my head from last night.   You complemented me in one big long statement in so many ways.  Complements that I have never heard from anyone.  You have this image of me that I’ve really tried all my life to be.  Exactly what you explained.  I do try to be a good person, I do try to turn the other cheek.  I do try to see the good in things.  I don’t understand why I would find someone so amazing tied into such a complicated story.  I truly feel like things happen for a reason.  I don’t understand how someone could be brought into my life that I love so much and have this kind of story come along with it where my happiness would cause so many others unhappiness.  Of course I choose to go without. However, it is seeming to be impossible to go without you.  I think about you all the time.  I think about what you are thinking, what you are doing, where you are going.  If the two of you are getting along or fighting.  If you are happy.

Our hour and a half conversation was amazing.  I’m sorry I started bawling to you.  I feel like I am normally a very strong person.  Very little makes me cry. Total anger or total devastation will bring me to tears instantly.  I know you know our entire story.  I know you know its complicated. I know we have done things that we should probably not have done.  But I know you are a good man. You have let me in to see that heart of yours 🙂
I’m human I have to tell you, (yes a little selfishly) that I don’t wish for you to have any issues in your marriage, but I am (this sounds bad) glad that our affair didn’t bring you into this new amazing wonderful all is well and you regret me place.   I don’t want trouble in your marriage but I don’t ever want to be something you regret.   I needed you in my life right when I found you.  I will forever be in love with you.  I have never felt for anyone what I felt and still feel for you.
I am sure you are exhausted today.  Four hours sleep, (if even that),  doesn’t make getting up and working easy.  I got into bed and laid there just thinking.   Processing all of it.  Thinking of your voice.  How happy it makes me, how calming it is… how it causes me to lose track of time or my surroundings.  I could listen to you forever.   You do this crazy thing to me.   Please don’t think i’m crazy here, but you somehow come through this wall I have.   My parents used to joke when I was little (and still) that I am not a close, touchy-feely kind of person.  I do not let others in, (I’m not mean I just don’t share much) in person.  I leave a lot to the imagination.  I can come across as bitchy or stuck up…  and I’m not… I’m so far from that… or I feel that I am.   I don’t feel closed off to you.  I feel like cuddling instantly when I am with you.   I want to hold your hand.   I want to hear how you are.   You make me want to think about someone ahead of myself.  You make any and all selfishness fade.  All I can call that is love.   Maybe I am crazy, I just think true love is when you put someones dreams, desires and all around happiness, ahead of yours.  Maybe not ahead of yours… maybe equal to yours.   Other than my kids, I have never thought of someone first.    I hope this isn’t all starting to sound the same to all of our conversations.    It is so unfair that I love someone that I can’t have.  It sucks.  But I am not willing to give you up and walk away.   My fear is it will never be what it was, and we will remain in our lives unhappy because we are responsible before self thinking.   I wish others could understand that humans do these things.  Nice people.  I am a Christian.   I act right.  I follow laws.  I respect others.  I would never intentionally step into someones marriage.   But I am human and I love.  And I am in love with you, and somehow it ‘just happened’. Gradually.  Perfectly.
I told you Steve is working really hard and has done a 180 and that is great and I am so proud of him, but that doesn’t MAKE me love him.   There was just sooooo much hurt, and lying, and being alone.  I can’t seem to get back to that.  We’ve talked a lot.  Id rather be alone than live a lie.  You can’t make a marriage work if your heart isn’t in it.
I realize I am rambling.   I’m tired.  I was up late talking to an amazing man, and even after couldn’t get to sleep.    I love you mister.  I will never ever forget you.  Thank you for all your kind words last night.  Sorry I cried like a big baby to you.  I’m just a little passionate about this one guy 😀  I love that I feel like I can truly be my REAL self with you.  I love that you make me want to be my best.
I hope you have a wonderful day.   I miss you, and wish I could be there with you.   It would be memorable for sure.
143.
Oh, and the moon was beautiful last night… it always is when I am with or talking to you.

I miss HIM today

Today is just one of those days that he is in my head.

I wonder if these days will ever go away.

I see him in everything I am doing, every song I am hearing.

I think what started it is I am selling an old computer of mine and I was cleaning out pictures.

Ouch.

A lot of his kids and my kids doing fairs and activities and stuff like that.

Stings a little.

I get her. I do.

undermounted

I love 2 men, neither of which are my husband

One gives me physical pleasure and carnal delights

The other gives me emotional stability and balance

Together they are an ideal partner

One gives me everything he is sexually

The other gives me support and contact

I am having an affair with both

The one is a physical affair

The other an emotional one

I believe the emotional affair would be harder on his wife

Even though we have never met, never spoken

As opposed to the physical one’s partner

Who hasn’t been intimate with him in 2 years

I’ve stopped trying to explain or to reason my situation

I’ve stopped fighting against how I feel

If I care about someone I shall accept it as valid

I love both men in very different ways

How can you love someone you’ve never met?

Its easy when he is always there…

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WARNING if you don’t like ‘sex posts’ don’t read!

Letting your head go ‘THERE’

 

We all play.  You know, PLAY.  By ourselves.  Occasionally.  If you say you don’t, I’m calling you a liar.

Its funny to me when doing so sometimes I am not focused.   I can’t sleep and there seems to be nothing else to do being in a big bed or bathtub alone.  So why is it after trying to read, trying to watch TV, trying to sleep that I go there?  Because we all know it might help us sleep lol!  It usually does me anyway.

 

So the other night I couldn’t’ seem to ‘finish’.  Then I realized I was thinking about stuff that was nothing related to sex.  I mean I started thinking about sex, I mean I was touching myself… but then my head went to Thanksgiving, or the mess in the car, did I turn the coffee pot on to auto… and then I realized I was touching and thinking about coffee.   WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME.  I can’t focus alone playing OR while having sex with my husband.   Here is the thing.   Frustrated that nothing was happening, I pop that hotel stay with HIM in my head and INSTANTLY I finish.

Please tell me that I am normal.  Not that I can climax when thinking of him, but please tell me that during sex OR playing that you’ve caught yourself thinking of your TO DO list or your bathroom needing to be retiled.   Sigh.

Email from HIM

“If someone you knew, (but weren’t real close to),  knew you had an affair and asked you why you did it what would you say?”

This was the title of HIS email to me last week.

He said he would tell them this:

“The reason I made the choice to have an affair was I felt that my needs weren’t being met either emotionally, socially, or sexually.  At the time (and even still),  I felt like I was married to a woman who couldn’t care less about me.  With that being said, she neglected to fulfill my needs, but still expected her needs to be fulfilled.  The woman I had the affair with (you), not only filled the areas that my wife lacked, but even left them over-flowing.  Her (you) and I connected on levels that I never have with anyone else before in my life.

What I would tell someone:

I truly didn’t think I’d ever have an affair.   I thought that In feeling very alone and ‘forgotten’ in my marriage and well ‘second’ to a stupid band and his drinking and pill use that I needed to talk to someone.  Male or female I didn’t care I just wanted to talk to someone in my same boat.  Someone I could talk badly about my husband to because I was that mad and that hurt and felt well, THAT forgotten.  I wanted to have them not judge me and if anything else, understand.   I would tell them that it comes with both good and bad and sometimes, (as in my case), love.   I never thought it would get complicated and it did.  I never thought everyone would find out and they did.  I never thought I’d love this person and I did.  I never thought I would be devastated when it was ‘over’ and I was.   I never thought I’d see him in everything, and I do.  I never thought I’d think about him all the time, day and night and I do.   It wasn’t just one thing.  It was everything.  His laugh, his taste in music, his love of sports, his smile, the way he dressed, the way he smelled, they way he was patriotic, the way he respected my opinion even if we didn’t agree.  The way we could hold a conversation for hours and have fun just doing that.   The way his emails touched me.  The ways his stories from growing up hit home.  The way I slowly fell for a total stranger.   I loved that I never felt rushed to do anything, neither one of us were in a hurry.   I loved that we really thought about what we were doing.   I loved that for the first time ever I felt like someone made time for me and wanted to be with me, and that I mattered.   He made me feel equal to him.  Important to him.  Wanted.  Needed even.    He made me feel like he had looked forward to talking to me.   He made me feel like he wanted to hear what I had to say.  Liked what I was doing.  I always left with wanting to know when I’d see him again.  Never had I loved anyone that I wanted to be with all the time.  He had a good heart and he let me see it.  Every time anything went wrong at home this man would pop into my head and make me smile.   It made dealing with the ‘shit’ easier knowing someone out there loved me.
I was so happy that year and a half.

Something is happening to me. I’m not using honey anymore to kill flies in my life.

I’ve become a bitch.

When exactly did that happen?

Maybe it started when I just go so sick of being shit on.

Maybe it started when I stopped thinking of others, (other than my kids) and focused on myself for once.

Maybe its when I started realizing that if you don’t go after what you want in life someone else will.

Maybe its when I realized the saying you get more flies with honey than with vinegar was a bunch of bull shit.

I used honey.  It caused me to be walked on.

You know what?  Just because I am strong, independent, setting rules for OUR home about him staying away, going back to school when my husband frowned upon it and standing firm in not answering HIS emails, that makes me a bitch?

I’m ready to be done.  Be loved or move the fuck on.

I know my husband loves me but taking that wall down is beyond my knowledge.  I don’t even know how to do it anymore.

My husband was here last weekend  and we had a good time while the kids were up… it was fun.  As soon as they went to bed hello awkward.

We watched a movie and before the movie was over I had fallen into his ‘trap’ of making out and having sex.  I realized at that moment that I’m pretty sure it is over because of thoughts I was having during the process.   Please don’t judge me here but I’m just being honest.  If you don’t like detailed sex blogs stop reading now….

We are having sex and my head isn’t in it…. I can’t focus.  My emotions are all over the place and I hit feelings of anger… I’m still so mad at him.  I start thinking why I am mad…  (I am no where near orgasming… I can’t even grasp the thought of building to that)…. and then I start thinking about how much is gone and how different it is and I close my eyes trying to push those thoughts away and focus on the moment and HE pops into my head.  I’m done for.. I can’t get him out… I can’t have sex with one and think of the other so I stopped.   I said I can’t do this.   My husband thinks its something he did, I assured him it wasn’t I just said I have to get back to the place that I can do this… he was understanding but instantly my feelings are a wreck.  That fast. If I stop, I’m a bitch.  If I don’t and HE is in my head that makes me a horrible person.  Guess what?  Had I kept going thinking of HIM I would have had that orgasm.  I know I would of.   The reason I know is my husband said about ten minutes later when the movie was still going, that It seemed awkward and then I got really into it and then I stopped.   Well that really into it part was before I realized I couldn’t have sex with YOU thinking of HIM.   And the thing is I don’t PURPOSELY think of him.  HE IS JUST THERE.   UGH, I hate this.

So its better to be a bitch and just say I don’t want to have sex.

At times, it was a dance. Who am I kidding? It still is.

I danced around a lot.

Danced around my unhappiness.

Danced around being alone.

Danced around the obvious problems my husband had.

Danced around the fact I was a wife at home alone, a LOT.

Danced around the truth with friends as to why I was so happy after I found him.

Danced around questions from my husband about the same happiness.

Danced around, (literally) at how I felt over him.

Danced around his wife to distract her from my glances at her husband.

Danced around the obvious as to what I was doing.

Danced around the truth.

Danced around the fact that we were both married.

Danced around acknowledging I was doing something wrong.

Even now, I am still dancing.

Dancing around the fact that I have fallen in love, and am still in love with someone I shouldn’t be.

I’m tired of dancing.

I wish I could sit this one out.   However, to sit it out, my heart would have to be ripped from my chest.