Something is happening to me. I’m not using honey anymore to kill flies in my life.

I’ve become a bitch.

When exactly did that happen?

Maybe it started when I just go so sick of being shit on.

Maybe it started when I stopped thinking of others, (other than my kids) and focused on myself for once.

Maybe its when I started realizing that if you don’t go after what you want in life someone else will.

Maybe its when I realized the saying you get more flies with honey than with vinegar was a bunch of bull shit.

I used honey.  It caused me to be walked on.

You know what?  Just because I am strong, independent, setting rules for OUR home about him staying away, going back to school when my husband frowned upon it and standing firm in not answering HIS emails, that makes me a bitch?

I’m ready to be done.  Be loved or move the fuck on.

I know my husband loves me but taking that wall down is beyond my knowledge.  I don’t even know how to do it anymore.

My husband was here last weekend  and we had a good time while the kids were up… it was fun.  As soon as they went to bed hello awkward.

We watched a movie and before the movie was over I had fallen into his ‘trap’ of making out and having sex.  I realized at that moment that I’m pretty sure it is over because of thoughts I was having during the process.   Please don’t judge me here but I’m just being honest.  If you don’t like detailed sex blogs stop reading now….

We are having sex and my head isn’t in it…. I can’t focus.  My emotions are all over the place and I hit feelings of anger… I’m still so mad at him.  I start thinking why I am mad…  (I am no where near orgasming… I can’t even grasp the thought of building to that)…. and then I start thinking about how much is gone and how different it is and I close my eyes trying to push those thoughts away and focus on the moment and HE pops into my head.  I’m done for.. I can’t get him out… I can’t have sex with one and think of the other so I stopped.   I said I can’t do this.   My husband thinks its something he did, I assured him it wasn’t I just said I have to get back to the place that I can do this… he was understanding but instantly my feelings are a wreck.  That fast. If I stop, I’m a bitch.  If I don’t and HE is in my head that makes me a horrible person.  Guess what?  Had I kept going thinking of HIM I would have had that orgasm.  I know I would of.   The reason I know is my husband said about ten minutes later when the movie was still going, that It seemed awkward and then I got really into it and then I stopped.   Well that really into it part was before I realized I couldn’t have sex with YOU thinking of HIM.   And the thing is I don’t PURPOSELY think of him.  HE IS JUST THERE.   UGH, I hate this.

So its better to be a bitch and just say I don’t want to have sex.


19 thoughts on “Something is happening to me. I’m not using honey anymore to kill flies in my life.

  1. Saying you don’t want or feel like sex does not make you a bitch. Are you being someone you like?
    I’ve had the same experience fantasizing about someone else while having sex with my spouse. Its not something I want to do again. It just makes everything so confused unless you’re able to go totally into the fantasy and keep your eyes tightly closed.

    • I just feel like I’ve been bitchy in all aspects of my life other than with my kids… I just got tired of being nice and being walked on… Its hard to explain… I’m not being MEAN I’m just not going out of my way to make everyone else’s life easier anymore.

  2. Refusing to be used by others does not make you a bitch. There are times when you really do have to look out for yourself first, if you don’t you’ll be unable to help others when they really need you. From what I’ve read in your blog I cannot see any good in maintaining a sexual relationship with your H, since you have separated, and do not have plans to get back together. I mean, if he cleans himself up, say in a year or two, if you’re still available he can pursue you like anyone else might. Right now you are separate and sex sends him the wrong message anyway. Isn’t this where you are headed? Maybe I misunderstand.

    • I don’t know where we are headed. That is my problem. I love him dearly I just think too much has happened. So we were going to take it slow… we have had several date nights and he hasn’t done anything like using pain meds for months now… he is doing amazing I just need to figure out how to get over HIM or at least get him out of my head, so I can figure out what I want of my marriage.

  3. ooooohh i SO understand…too little effort, made too late…being easier to give him the 5 minutes of a body he needs to get himself off…a full body, for his masturbation needs. Having the feeling of distaste and disgust. He takes those horrible few minutes and acts like he did me a favor by finally giving me the “sex” i keep making an issue over. “are you done, yet?” as i watch the wall, check my fingernails, look for split ends.
    don’t diminish what you feel. don’t let him inside your body, if he isn’t inside of your mind. its so easy to say and so hard to do, isn’t it?

    • it wasn’t like that really. I wanted to do what we were doing at first. I do love him. I miss him. But for some reason sex brings up MAJOR emotions and they hit me like a flood…. one thought after the next and all those things lead to why I had HIM in my life… so there HE was in my head at the total wrong time so I needed to stop. I would NEVER lay there and let him have sex with me if it was what he wanted and I didn’t. NEVER.

  4. That saying about flies and honey… What a load of crap! Who wants THAT MANY flies buzzing around them all the time. I say — it’s OK to be sour and stinky sometimes, otherwise you will eventually spoil to the inner core and those flies will eat you up! YUCK!

    I’m sorry but why can’t you just tell your husband that it IS something he did?

    And you are not being a bitch because you have feelings and you choose to express them.
    It’s okay that you don’t want to give him the satisfaction of bringing you to orgasm – in my opinion, that’s WAY more flattery than he deserves right now! I think you were right to stop — I don’t think you have any marital obligations to fulfill any longer. But that’s just me…

    I am sorry that you are suffering in such a confusing and lonesome place right now. I wish there was something magical we could do that just made your husband better (or vanish, in my case 😉 choose your own) adventure!)

  5. I’ve turned into that bitch too. I’m tired of being walked over and treated like shit so I stopped taking it, and then all the sudden everyone says I’ve changed into this horrible person. I’m horrible because I don’t want people walking all over me anymore…? Wtf?!

  6. I’m guilty of the exact same thing. Doesn’t make you a bitch. It makes you human. Your heart is torn, natural for your mind to drift to the OM…

  7. You’re not a bitch and I think what you did was right, instinct took over you and sometimes those are what we should let lead us rather than the over thoughtout reactions.

    Hang in there!

  8. Maybe you can catch more flies with honey, but you still have to swat ’em to kill ’em. Being honest does not make you a bitch either. That’s a label people not getting what they want put on you.

  9. Just found your blog recently. I can tell I am going to need at least a day alone, with no interruptions to start from the beginning!

    In the meantime, I felt compelled to ask what your husband is doing about his addiction? Is he in therapy? On meds? I ask, b/c in one post, I saw that he was laying on the couch at his parents’ house and crying a lot. The crying is obviously normal, but he truly needs a clear plan of action, with weekly counseling and assessments with a psychologist. How do I know? Because I was an addict too. It happened innocently enough, after multiple back and neck herniations and surgery, I developed a tolerance and then became dependent, and then could not stop. This went on for 3 years. I wanted to stop, and I hid it very well (at least I thought I did….I know now that people were indeed worried about me) But I suppose I just mean that I kept it as controlled as possible. I am sharing this with you, b/c it appears that while you have residual feelings for your MM (married man is the term used on other sites) it sounds as if you also want to save your marriage. I can understand this as well, since I am a former OW, after a three year affair, who is just now….feeling better. (I am married, but to an emotionally abusive man and after over a decade of trying to repair the marriage myself and begging him to seek help, I have decided to get a divorce. My MM is staying with his family, as he always said he would and we were never discovered. Just to give you some history.) More on that later.

    In the meantime, I wanted to suggest your husband try Suboxone therapy. It has literally saved me and allowed me to heal slowly, without intense and lingering withdrawal, depression, rage etc….and is allowing my brain to heal bit by bit as I wean down slowly. It stops cravings immediately, and it also contains another agent that prevents a high should your husband slip and pop a narcotic or 10. Maybe he has already tried this route or maybe he has decided not to. I just know from experience that just b/c you WANT to stop, doesn’t mean you CAN. And that just when you think you’ve got it, you don’t. It has allowed me to start to create new pathways in my brain, while NOT on drugs, and you do that by getting out and doing all kinds of new things or even old things, to help erase triggers. Without this drug, I was unable to stop thinking about wishing I had a pill so I could just get moving. Now, I am able to move and LIVE, while I heal. If used properly, under supervision and as part of a weaning plan so that you are not on it forever, it really is a miracle. Some people do stay on a low dose forever…I just wanted to eventually wean down to nothing.

    I do not mean to barge in and offer unsolicited advice. I would love to start my own blog about many things…ranging from emotionally abusive marriages, to affairs to addiction….but am not familiar enough with blogging yet and am afraid of not remaining anonymous. The only reason I shared this with you, is b/c as long as you are going to stay married and TRY, then it would be awesome for you, and your husband, if he got the right help with his addiction. I never went to rehab, weaned myself and made the decision to stop taking pills alone…..but I did line up the right Psychiatrists and therapists to help me along the way, and I have been able to heal, privately.

    If you are interested in any more information about what I shared, please let me know. I look forward to reading your blog…and apologize if my comment was offensive or out of line, in any way. Thank you also for sharing your truth with us. It helps to know that others have been where I was as well and how they managed (or are managing) to get through it and heal.

    • I will reply to this very soon. I am working… I just didn’t want you to think I wasn’t answering. Thank you so much for reading. He is on that now. My fingers are crossed for him. It took me a long time to realize I can’t help him. 😦 I am heartbroken in so many directions. Thank you for all your kind words and you are not offensive or out of line…I put my story out there needing conversation from same shoes/boat people. Thank you, I appreciate you!

  10. PS…I notice you have moderation turned on. I will NOT be offended if you would rather NOT post my comment. That is perfectly fine with me, since it is off topic and so long. Please feel free to read and delete and if you end up wanting to know more, just let me know. 🙂

    • I don’t delete comments. 🙂 I just keep that on to avoid hateful people. There is a difference between suggestions and kind words and calling me a whore which believe it or not, when being the other woman ‘publicly’ you are indeed called a whore or worse. Sadly.

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