I’ve become a bitch.
When exactly did that happen?
Maybe it started when I just go so sick of being shit on.
Maybe it started when I stopped thinking of others, (other than my kids) and focused on myself for once.
Maybe its when I started realizing that if you don’t go after what you want in life someone else will.
Maybe its when I realized the saying you get more flies with honey than with vinegar was a bunch of bull shit.
I used honey. It caused me to be walked on.
You know what? Just because I am strong, independent, setting rules for OUR home about him staying away, going back to school when my husband frowned upon it and standing firm in not answering HIS emails, that makes me a bitch?
I’m ready to be done. Be loved or move the fuck on.
I know my husband loves me but taking that wall down is beyond my knowledge. I don’t even know how to do it anymore.
My husband was here last weekend and we had a good time while the kids were up… it was fun. As soon as they went to bed hello awkward.
We watched a movie and before the movie was over I had fallen into his ‘trap’ of making out and having sex. I realized at that moment that I’m pretty sure it is over because of thoughts I was having during the process. Please don’t judge me here but I’m just being honest. If you don’t like detailed sex blogs stop reading now….
We are having sex and my head isn’t in it…. I can’t focus. My emotions are all over the place and I hit feelings of anger… I’m still so mad at him. I start thinking why I am mad… (I am no where near orgasming… I can’t even grasp the thought of building to that)…. and then I start thinking about how much is gone and how different it is and I close my eyes trying to push those thoughts away and focus on the moment and HE pops into my head. I’m done for.. I can’t get him out… I can’t have sex with one and think of the other so I stopped. I said I can’t do this. My husband thinks its something he did, I assured him it wasn’t I just said I have to get back to the place that I can do this… he was understanding but instantly my feelings are a wreck. That fast. If I stop, I’m a bitch. If I don’t and HE is in my head that makes me a horrible person. Guess what? Had I kept going thinking of HIM I would have had that orgasm. I know I would of. The reason I know is my husband said about ten minutes later when the movie was still going, that It seemed awkward and then I got really into it and then I stopped. Well that really into it part was before I realized I couldn’t have sex with YOU thinking of HIM. And the thing is I don’t PURPOSELY think of him. HE IS JUST THERE. UGH, I hate this.
So its better to be a bitch and just say I don’t want to have sex.