Email from HIM

“If someone you knew, (but weren’t real close to),  knew you had an affair and asked you why you did it what would you say?”

This was the title of HIS email to me last week.

He said he would tell them this:

“The reason I made the choice to have an affair was I felt that my needs weren’t being met either emotionally, socially, or sexually.  At the time (and even still),  I felt like I was married to a woman who couldn’t care less about me.  With that being said, she neglected to fulfill my needs, but still expected her needs to be fulfilled.  The woman I had the affair with (you), not only filled the areas that my wife lacked, but even left them over-flowing.  Her (you) and I connected on levels that I never have with anyone else before in my life.

What I would tell someone:

I truly didn’t think I’d ever have an affair.   I thought that In feeling very alone and ‘forgotten’ in my marriage and well ‘second’ to a stupid band and his drinking and pill use that I needed to talk to someone.  Male or female I didn’t care I just wanted to talk to someone in my same boat.  Someone I could talk badly about my husband to because I was that mad and that hurt and felt well, THAT forgotten.  I wanted to have them not judge me and if anything else, understand.   I would tell them that it comes with both good and bad and sometimes, (as in my case), love.   I never thought it would get complicated and it did.  I never thought everyone would find out and they did.  I never thought I’d love this person and I did.  I never thought I would be devastated when it was ‘over’ and I was.   I never thought I’d see him in everything, and I do.  I never thought I’d think about him all the time, day and night and I do.   It wasn’t just one thing.  It was everything.  His laugh, his taste in music, his love of sports, his smile, the way he dressed, the way he smelled, they way he was patriotic, the way he respected my opinion even if we didn’t agree.  The way we could hold a conversation for hours and have fun just doing that.   The way his emails touched me.  The ways his stories from growing up hit home.  The way I slowly fell for a total stranger.   I loved that I never felt rushed to do anything, neither one of us were in a hurry.   I loved that we really thought about what we were doing.   I loved that for the first time ever I felt like someone made time for me and wanted to be with me, and that I mattered.   He made me feel equal to him.  Important to him.  Wanted.  Needed even.    He made me feel like he had looked forward to talking to me.   He made me feel like he wanted to hear what I had to say.  Liked what I was doing.  I always left with wanting to know when I’d see him again.  Never had I loved anyone that I wanted to be with all the time.  He had a good heart and he let me see it.  Every time anything went wrong at home this man would pop into my head and make me smile.   It made dealing with the ‘shit’ easier knowing someone out there loved me.
I was so happy that year and a half.
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8 thoughts on “Email from HIM

    • Its never as simple as it sounds…. he is in the process of leaving her and my husband doesn’t live here. I just don’t want to jump into each other. What the future holds only the future knows… I have mixed feelings about all of it for sure.

      • I know what you mean for sure… I just met someone wonderful who I connect with on so many levels – just to the core. I’m separated from my addict husband. He is in the process of extracting himself from a fairly abusive (verbally and mentally) woman. The kids and holidays make it complicated. I really am drawn to him and feel so great when I’m around him. I don’t want to lose myself in another relationship, though… It’s so complex.

    • You know I’ve been working and thinking about your question. I actually think a huge part of me is afraid if I move on my husband will die. Truly. I think he would die of an overdose to numb the pain. I really, really do. I might have to blog about this but I think I fear my kids not having a dad and them if even for a tiny part of their lives (when little or teens) blame me. I know I can’t control what he does. But deep down I still love him and I always will care for him, he is the father of my children, I just want him to get better. I see how badly he wants to I just don’t think he can. I think that is why I don’t fully walk away and move on.

      • I understand not leaving out of fear for your spouses safety. My husband threatened to relapse and kill himself so many times, if I left him. He’s a manipulator and he won, I’m still here.

        I know it’s hard.

    • and I know that isn’t my problem. I know its not me that is taking the pills and I know how hard I’ve tried to make it work… but now I have this tiny complication… he is getting better, (thank God) slowly but surly and I am not rushing. I do not let him come home… I gave in too many times too quickly and it got us no where. So I just don’t know.

  1. I relate to so much of what you wrote. I know it has to be heartbreaking for a betrayed spouse to read how happy a person can feel during an affair. The OM and I both felt we had never been this happy in our life.

    I admire you for trying to figure out your current marraige first and trying to make that work. You have so many variables here, and you obviously do care about your husband if you are scared to leave him because of an overdose. These issues really are complicated.

    Wishing you peace and clarity.

  2. I feel terrible thinking, knowing the feelings that other have expressed. I feel there is truth in both sides of this mess. I know it was a fantasy that I was living, but then again, is that so bad?
    We only miss what could have been. I know I don’t miss what really was.

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