Speechless and Raw this morning.

 

So you are in my head. Well,  you are always in my head but today is different.  Your words are spinning through my head from last night.   You complemented me in one big long statement in so many ways.  Complements that I have never heard from anyone.  You have this image of me that I’ve really tried all my life to be.  Exactly what you explained.  I do try to be a good person, I do try to turn the other cheek.  I do try to see the good in things.  I don’t understand why I would find someone so amazing tied into such a complicated story.  I truly feel like things happen for a reason.  I don’t understand how someone could be brought into my life that I love so much and have this kind of story come along with it where my happiness would cause so many others unhappiness.  Of course I choose to go without. However, it is seeming to be impossible to go without you.  I think about you all the time.  I think about what you are thinking, what you are doing, where you are going.  If the two of you are getting along or fighting.  If you are happy.

Our hour and a half conversation was amazing.  I’m sorry I started bawling to you.  I feel like I am normally a very strong person.  Very little makes me cry. Total anger or total devastation will bring me to tears instantly.  I know you know our entire story.  I know you know its complicated. I know we have done things that we should probably not have done.  But I know you are a good man. You have let me in to see that heart of yours 🙂
I’m human I have to tell you, (yes a little selfishly) that I don’t wish for you to have any issues in your marriage, but I am (this sounds bad) glad that our affair didn’t bring you into this new amazing wonderful all is well and you regret me place.   I don’t want trouble in your marriage but I don’t ever want to be something you regret.   I needed you in my life right when I found you.  I will forever be in love with you.  I have never felt for anyone what I felt and still feel for you.
I am sure you are exhausted today.  Four hours sleep, (if even that),  doesn’t make getting up and working easy.  I got into bed and laid there just thinking.   Processing all of it.  Thinking of your voice.  How happy it makes me, how calming it is… how it causes me to lose track of time or my surroundings.  I could listen to you forever.   You do this crazy thing to me.   Please don’t think i’m crazy here, but you somehow come through this wall I have.   My parents used to joke when I was little (and still) that I am not a close, touchy-feely kind of person.  I do not let others in, (I’m not mean I just don’t share much) in person.  I leave a lot to the imagination.  I can come across as bitchy or stuck up…  and I’m not… I’m so far from that… or I feel that I am.   I don’t feel closed off to you.  I feel like cuddling instantly when I am with you.   I want to hold your hand.   I want to hear how you are.   You make me want to think about someone ahead of myself.  You make any and all selfishness fade.  All I can call that is love.   Maybe I am crazy, I just think true love is when you put someones dreams, desires and all around happiness, ahead of yours.  Maybe not ahead of yours… maybe equal to yours.   Other than my kids, I have never thought of someone first.    I hope this isn’t all starting to sound the same to all of our conversations.    It is so unfair that I love someone that I can’t have.  It sucks.  But I am not willing to give you up and walk away.   My fear is it will never be what it was, and we will remain in our lives unhappy because we are responsible before self thinking.   I wish others could understand that humans do these things.  Nice people.  I am a Christian.   I act right.  I follow laws.  I respect others.  I would never intentionally step into someones marriage.   But I am human and I love.  And I am in love with you, and somehow it ‘just happened’. Gradually.  Perfectly.
I told you Steve is working really hard and has done a 180 and that is great and I am so proud of him, but that doesn’t MAKE me love him.   There was just sooooo much hurt, and lying, and being alone.  I can’t seem to get back to that.  We’ve talked a lot.  Id rather be alone than live a lie.  You can’t make a marriage work if your heart isn’t in it.
I realize I am rambling.   I’m tired.  I was up late talking to an amazing man, and even after couldn’t get to sleep.    I love you mister.  I will never ever forget you.  Thank you for all your kind words last night.  Sorry I cried like a big baby to you.  I’m just a little passionate about this one guy 😀  I love that I feel like I can truly be my REAL self with you.  I love that you make me want to be my best.
I hope you have a wonderful day.   I miss you, and wish I could be there with you.   It would be memorable for sure.
143.
Oh, and the moon was beautiful last night… it always is when I am with or talking to you.
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12 thoughts on “Speechless and Raw this morning.

  1. “There was just sooooo much hurt, and lying, and being alone. I can’t seem to get back to that.”.. When a man kills the love, when he pushes you away in a marriage…physically you are there, but emotionally you check out. It can;t be regained..it might develop into something different..but never be the love that we need, ever again.

  2. These words speak to me so loudly. Thank you! When you feel that deep, intimate connection with someone that seems to connect your souls the rest of the world fades away. Follow your heart.

  3. Pingback: I’m Going Crazy, Thinkin’ ‘Bout You Baby « Sharing Our Connection

  4. “I don’t feel closed off to you. I feel like cuddling instantly when I am with you. I want to hold your hand. I want to hear how you are.”

    “It is so unfair that I love someone that I can’t have. It sucks.”

    – These are true for me, too.

  5. It’s sad to hear the love in your marriage cannot be regained, but I do understand that. You need to be with someone you love, or, at least, not be with someone who doesn’t make you happy.

  6. Reblogged this on thisaffair and commented:
    This is a great post. I can completely relate to it.
    I promise I’ll write more soon…I’ve been sick and haven’t felt like writing since I miss him so damn much it makes even my hair hurt. ha!

  7. I could have written almost every word of that myself. I’ve never been touchy feely. I’m not the friend who goes in for a hug. It has always made me uncomfortable. Except for when I was with him. I could touch him all night. Just touch one little piece of his body while I slept. I could cuddle and snuggle and I could trace his jawline, with no sense of being uncomfortable. I could be myself. I told him once that, aside from my kids, (sound familiar?) that I have never loved anyone more than him. And I’m not a selfish, self involved person. I just always wanted to love him more….make his days better….and he made ME want to be better every day as well. And to know you should be together, deep down in your heart…..your soul, yet continue to live the “correct” life, for the rest of the world to see. It is truly brutal. I have let go of the dreams and the hopes, and I remain in a loveless and sexless marriage, for financial security right now, and he remains in his marriage, b/c of the kids, and I have to accept, b/c of her. He will not leave her or hurt her like that, as he says, b/c she didn’t do anything to him. But he WILL and WOULD see me forever, if I let him. He truly thinks that by staying married and doing right by everyone else’s rules, in the light of day at least….that he is fulfilling his commitment to her and to their family. I beg to differ, but it is not my choice to make. I did it his way for 3 years….and I had to let go. I am actually okay. I’m not happy in my marriage, but I am okay. It took a LONG time to get here, but I had no choice. If you can be with this man, and he with you…..you should. Obviously my opinion is biased, but my MM and I were supposed to be together. We should have been together. We could have been together. The story is long and complicated, but we were supposed to be together. I still believe that, to this very day. Great entry.

  8. Oh…and by the way…the full moon was our sign. It was 15 years ago when we were together the FIRST time and this time, when we found each other again. That made me pause, when you mentioned the moon. It still haunts me to look at it.

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