Happy New Year…

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to all my blogging family!  I love you all and wish you the very best upcoming year.  May it be filled with health, happiness and just what you want that makes you smile at the end of each day.

My furnace is fixed.

My pipes under the sink are fixed.

My husband spent the evening with us.

He fell asleep on the couch by 10 pm.

The kids had fun though.  They had a mini party and I had set the clocks ahead so it would be midnight for them at 9pm real time.  It was a good time.  Stayed in away from all the crazy drivers!  Be safe people… suck it up and pay for a cab VS trying to drive.  You life and the lives of others are way more important than saving cab fair.

Happy New Year!  CHEERS <clink>!

Unknown

FML

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My furnace went out.

It was six degrees last night.

My furnace is six years old and had a five year warranty.

The furnace being broke caused a pipe to break under my kitchen sink.

I guess maybe its a good thing that my plumber also does heating.  Sigh.

Oh and the best part… this financial hit comes THREE (YES THREE) days after Christmas.

And no, I don’t have a fireplace.  And yes I live in a state where MOST people do.

 

FML.

The day before Christmas

So Monday, Christmas Eve my business that I own was closed.   I am never closed.  What do most people do on Christmas Eve?  Shop? Clean and get ready for the big day? Plan their Christmas Dinner?  Be lazy and watch football?  NO not me!  I always have my girly doctor appointment.  I can remember it that way (when it is) and always have the day off lol.

So I’m laying there on that table… you know that awkward hard/cold/plastic/paper table.   My doctor does my breast exam and says all looked good, (yay!!!) and then goes to the end of the table and sits on her little chair.  She guides my feet to the stupid foot rests and tells me to relax.  That statement always annoys the heck out of me.  Relax?  Really?  You are about to put cold, awkward things into my body and tell me things like you are going to feel my uterus as you push to my spine through my stomach, all while you are telling me to relax. But whatever.  What I am getting at is when she was down there, she looks over the paper cloth draped over my legs and asks, “So while I’m in here, (my mind is screaming please don’t say IN) how about we take this IUD out because it is due to expire in April, before your next appointment and we can either put another one in OR talk about other birth control.  I said Okay because I knew April would have been five years that it had been in and thats when you get them out.   As she takes it out I get this anxious feeling.  It was kind of a final straw to realizing my relationship is pretty much done.

She asks if I want another one put in and I said no.

She finishes up and helps me sit up.

She looks at me and says okay, so what forms of birth control should we consider?  That was the moment.   The moment that I tell someone in person outside of my best friends that my marriage was over.   I started bawling.  I told her I wouldn’t be needing birth control.   She asked if I was sure because she knows how fertile I am… she said are you sure you don’t want to go on a pill because you two could make up or you could meet someone else.   I agreed only because I didn’t want to talk about it.  She filled my prescription for birth control, (ones that aren’t supposed to affect my migraines) and I have no plan to fill them.   I have no plan in having sex.  If I get to a place where that changes I’ll fill them.  Until then I guess ‘that area’ of my life is closed.  Sigh.

I walked to my car and started crying.  The littlest things make you realize how much your life has changed.  A simple not needing a pill or an IUD.

Sorry.  This post maybe to much info, I just had to get it out of my head.

 

Took my youngest two to see Santa.

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It was so cute.  They were so cute.  My son, (the youngest child) just looked at Santa speechless and with wonder.  His eyes were huge.  My son was captivated.  My daughter spoke a million miles a minute.  She was so excited.  She for sure did enough of the talking for BOTH of them.   I stood back and watched and let them both have their minute.

A bunch of thoughts went through my head.  Thinking of being a kid at Christmas.   The excitement.   Thinking about how all this get up, the lights, the man in the suit, the beard the annoying little elves helping, (do only bitchy women apply for this job), the music and the over priced pictures and the crowed of stressed out parents, babies crying and kids demanding their wishes is all forgotten the second you see your child look at him.   I miss that magic.  I miss that excitement.  I miss that REASON in life to imagine and believe.

So I paid $14.00 (SHIT) for a Polaroid of my kids sitting on the lap of a (surprisingly) very real looking Santa.  To have them come running to me in total excitement.  My youngest said I saw Santa and ___________ (my daughters name) told him what I wanted.  I asked him why HE didn’t tell Santa what he wanted and he said his “words were stuck”  how cute.

My daughter just then pulled on my sleeve and pulled me down to her tiny face.  She pushed my hair behind my ear and whispered in my ear, “I told Santa I want daddy to be home more”.

FML.

Tears filled my eyes.

Fucking pills.

Damn affairs and broken hearts.

My child has given up any and all desire for a gift that a normal seven year old girl would want.  A pony.  A Justin Beiber CD, an iPod, and has asked for the one thing that a CHILD should never have to ask for.

My poor, broken baby girl.

Just got this notification:

Happy Anniversary!

You registered on WordPress.com 1 years ago!

Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging!

Guess time flies when you are having fun.  Man, I’ve put up with DRAMA for a year.  A husband battling addiction, Loving a married man, being up and down in the way I feel about all of it, and loving all of my readers.  I have fallen in love with a lot of your blogs and always wish you the very best!

In one year I’ve had 43,000 hits to my blog and have 188 followers.  Wow.  That leaves me speechless.  I’m so glad I have friends to ‘blog’ and vent to.  Thank you for being here for me!

Heres to another year!

Cheers!  <clink>

So tonight it is supposed to snow….

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Which tells me what tomorrow will be like.

He is always in my head when it is snowing or cold.

My husband came over tonight.  He helped with dinner.  It was nice, (it was really good too).  He came over because my two youngest kids are sick.  He came to see them/help.  The help was nice but I find that it puts me in this instant foul mood.  I am finding that I am annoyed at everything when he really isn’t doing anything wrong.  I am so sick of feeling like this.  I know what it is.  I know that it is just the anger that I feel over everything that has happened surfacing.   I am so pissed that him being here is a treat for my kids when it should be the way it is all the time.  I am so pissed that he helps with dinner which should be a normal occurrence.   I am so pissed that it is awkward trying to get him to leave, seeing him let down a little that I am not asking him to stay the night.   I am so FUCKING pissed that he did this to us.

I am so pissed.  And hurt.  And sad.  And lonely.  And missing HIM and wanting my marriage back, and hating drugs….

I seriously could go on forever.

I am sitting in a dark room lit only by the Christmas tree, the kids are in bed and my ipod is playing on the Bose stereo softly.   The Song is Singalong Junk by Paul McCartney.   Its a great song.  You tube it.  LIsten to it.  It is relaxing.  It goes well with a good red wine and WordPress!  🙂

My tree is beautiful.  It looks pretty damn happy.  I don’t think I ever found time to sit and look at my tree all alone.  With a laptop in my lap and a glass of wine at my side.  How fucking depressing.

I checked on the kids.  Made sure they were covered.  Its cold here tonight.  A bunch of snow is expected.  I checked their heads and made sure their fevers were still gone.  I leaned against the door frame listening to their breathing.   Those poor mommies and daddies that don’t get to see and hear this anymore because of that shooter in Connecticut.   It is heart breaking.   Makes all my problems and issues no where important.  I have no right to complain about anything.  They all were so beautiful.

Guess I need to stop complaining now.  I have no reason to do so.  I’m truly blessed, with or without a husband.  I have five beautiful children, and I am so very thankful.  I, if I had one wish would give anyone who has ever lost a child, their child back. I can’t imagine that pain.  Even the thought of it is excruciating.  I couldn’t imagine.  I wish those parents didn’t have to feel this pain.

Selfish bastard with a gun.