Where I am at.

Over my husband falling to addiction.

Over being the other.

So.  I’m calling my divorce attorney.  It can’t be saved and I’m exhausted from trying.

I’m deleting my email, the one that HE knows.

Why is this so hard?  I pack my days with staying busy to not think about it but it doesn’t matter.  Its the middle of the night that rips your heart from you and runs away with it, laughing and pointing, as the sun comes up.



33 thoughts on “Where I am at.

  1. You are probably doing the right thing from what I can see. I’m not sure you need to delete your email, but I understand you fear communication with him. You will probably need to communicate, and email might be easier than some other means (or not). Just a thought.

    • I go back and forth on this because he is in the process of leaving her… I know this for a fact. I just want to have a clear, fair and level head through a divorce. My poor kids. 😦

      • It is so hard to predicate something on someone else’s doings. Best if you are serious about getting a divorce to not waver based on the OM. It has to be something you want for yourself independently no matter what happens with the OM. I am sure you know this! So I’m just being boring…and pedantic. Sorry.
        Your kids will be fine. It’s you that I worry about. Kids are resilent. They may even be better for it. No more lying and cheating.

      • I get it. Maybe you should delete it…on the otherhand you may be forcing his hand and he will find other ways to contact you. It’s not easy. I know, that if my OW had chosen divorce, A) I would have felt guilt for my part in causing it B) I would have tried to stay clear while she made the choice, but probably couldn’t have either because of her wanting to talk to me or vice versa

        Are you worried you will contact him? or he will contact you? and is he (the OM) just considering divorce or actually doing it?

      • I am not worried that I will contact him, I am worried that my husband will think I asked for the divorce because of HIM and not because of my husbands actions. As far as I know he was in the process of leaving his wife.

      • I don’t think what your H may or may not think should concern you much in this matter. Its a fact that the OM helped you to realize how things could be. Helped you to reach the realization that you should do something. So at some level your H probably blames you and your relationship with the OM even though he also blames himself.

      • Thank you. I just couldn’t decide what to do in my life. I guess I just let him decide for me. 😦 Its heartbreaking when we were just talking about him staying the night for Christmas to wake up with the kids.
        Maybe I’ll go out of town for Christmas…. I don’t even want to deal with anything. Take my kids somewhere.

      • 🙂 I might just have to do that. Email me the info. No joke I feel like I need to get out of town. I should go to our cabin in the mountains… its so snowy there and quiet and away from everything but the kids go stir crazy b/c there is nothing to do… its the perfect get away for me though lol.

      • That does sound amazing! For the kids, not so much.

        Traffic is picking up here, but it isn’t too bad. At least you could still go lay on the beach and soak up some sun! I’ll send you the info tomorrow. If I forget, please remind me. I’m heading to bed early.

  2. I can’t blame you for being at your total and utter breaking point. Something had to give. Best wishes to you. I will pray for you to have strength.

  3. Wow so you really going through the divorce. You a strong women hope you can piece your life together so and move on. but its never that easy. Mwah all best I’m rooting for you.

  4. First…stay strong! We are all here for you!

    Second, I want to say something about your comment, “My poor kids.” I have been there, my parent fought about money, drugs, alcohol…anything and everything, and they took it out on me. I’m not saying that’s what you are doing, but what I am trying to say is don’t stay married for your kids, sometimes that is the worst option out there. If your husband continues to do this, then the best thing you can do for your children is leave him. They will see your strength and it will guide them, staying with him is not showing them anything but how to keep pushing off the horrible to be hurt again. Trust me here, the best thing my parents could have ever done for me, was getting a divorce earlier! Hell, I would be glad to have taken double the beatings had the divorce been sooner, it just made everything worse. It made for an unhappy household all around. I was miserable from the beatings, miserable from the fighting, miserable from their arguments, miserable from everything they did and had no escape. You can e-mail me about it if you want (our24yearagegap@yahoo.com) or read my blog posts about their divorce.

    Your children might not see it right away, remember they will hurt at first too, but in the end they will know it was for the best. But don’t do what my parents did, don’t tell the entire family 6 months prior and wait to tell your kids until the divorce is final! That hurt even more! Be honest with them, sit down with them either together or separate and explain what is happening, let them know they are still loved, and tell them this is for everyones sake. That their father needs to get healthy and he can’t do it staying married. They will understand. Hell, they might even be thinking you should do this for yourself.

    Stay strong, I’m here if you need me! You know how to find me.

  5. I feel like regardless of your affair, you have most likely given everything (for many years) to try and fix and keep your marriage. You didn’t enter into the affair simply b/c you were bored. I think you (and myself actually) fall into that category where the woman is already done, to be able to even go there. I know that while I am still married, I truly felt and feel that I am done. I have spent a decade trying to fix “us” and to get my husband the help he needs. (emotional abuser). I would NEVER have allowed myself to go where I did, had I not felt as if my marriage was over. I still don’t want it to be, but only b/c of my kids. (much like you.) But I have been in therapy for quite some time and have a firm understanding of psychology and know in my heart that my children would be fine in a two household family, with two parents who were happy and not just going through the motions. We do not fight. We don’t do anything. We don’t even fake it. We just co-exist. There is no way my children don’t feel the coldness. So who is really being saved here? Me? Or them? I like to tell myself that I am staying FOR THEM. But the truth is that I am not yet ready to go out on my own. I am afraid. I have been out of the work force for quite some time and I am afraid that I am not strong enough. And MY situation has nothing to do with my former affair partner. Although if he were going through a divorce and I KNEW in my heart that my marriage was over, I would not hesitate to be with him. I would welcome it. I understand that you want to be clear headed, but you already are honey. You were when you entered into your affair. You probably knew that your marriage was over on a deep level, even if you weren’t ready to face it. But as the “mother” we cannot allow ourselves to think that our happiness and fulfillment should come before our children’s well being. Your children have an unhealthy father and a sad mother. Please do not delete your email. You have the strength to do this on your own, even with contact. This divorce is NOT about your affair, but about your failed marriage. You KNOW this already. But the guilt is still there. Please forgive yourself. Please move forward for you. And if in time, you end up with the love of your life, let it be. Let it be what it is. Meant to be. In my opinion anyway. And I’m not some young, dumb, immoral person. I have lived and learned. And I should have the courage to leave my marriage for the right reasons too. But I don’t yet. So please don’t feel bad. Do what you need to do for YOU and your children and let the rest fall into place.

  6. It must be a difficult time but I am glad the resolution came about. You were clearly not happy, and concentrate now on what matters…. lots of love, India xx

    • I agree with Workspousestory.

      Also, your kids will be better off — it’s so hard to see it now. But, I don’t think you want your son/s to think that’s how a “man/husband” is supposed to act or treat their wife/family. And I don’t think you want your daughter/s to choose this kind of man to spend the rest of their lives with…

      I said this to my husband this weekend. “Please step up and act like the man you would like your daughters to marry. You are an example to them of the kind of man/person to choose. Be helpful to me for them, and if you can’t take care of me the way you would like your daughters’ husbands to take care of them, then you best get out of my house right now!”

      Hang in there…

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