Black text: a friend/blogger, Red text: Me

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I feel like regardless of your affair, you have most likely given everything TRUE(for many years) TRUE to try and fix and keep your marriage TRUE. You didn’t enter into the affair simply b/c you were bored.TRUE I think you (and myself actually) fall into that category where the woman is already done TRUE, to be able to even go there TRUE. I know that while I am still married, I truly felt and feel that I am done ME TOO. I have spent a decade trying to fix “us” ME TOO and to get my husband the help he needs ME TOO. (emotional abuser). I would NEVER have allowed myself to go where I did, ME EITHER had I not felt as if my marriage was over ME EITHER. I still don’t want it to be, YEP but only b/c of my kids YES BUT FOR MY HEART TOO. (much like you.) But I have been in therapy for quite some time ME TOO and have a firm understanding of psychology I HOLD A DEGREE IN THIS and know in my heart that my children would be fine in a two household family, with two parents who were happy and not just going through the motions. MINE WOULD BE TOO. We do not fight. US EITHER. We don’t do anything. NEITHER DO WE. We don’t even fake it. NOPE. WHY FAKE? We just co-exist. I KNOW CO EXISTING ALL TOO WELL. There is no way my children don’t feel the coldness. ITS BECOME THEIR NORMAL. THATS WHY I MADE HIM MOVE OUT. So who is really being saved here? NO IDEA. Me? NO. Or them? 😦 NOT SURE. I like to tell myself that I am staying FOR THEM. THIS IS WHAT I FEEL ABOUT NOT DIVORCING HIM. But the truth is that I am not yet ready to go out on my own. SCARY TRUE.  I am afraid. YES. TO BE ALONE, AND HIM TO KILL HIMSELF, BECAUSE HE IS ALONE AND DEPRESSED WITHOUT ME/US. I have been out of the work force for quite some time and I am afraid that I am not strong enough. I AM A LITTLE DIFFERENT HERE… I OWN MY OWN BUSINESS AND WORK FROM HOME. And MY situation has nothing to do with my former affair partner.  UGG. I’M NOT SURE IF MINE DOES OR NOT.  MY EMOTIONS ARE TORN BECAUSE OF MY AFFAIR PARTNER.  I KNOW NOW THAT I COULD BE HAPPY IN A DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIP.  Although if he were going through a divorce and I KNEW in my heart that my marriage was over, I would not hesitate to be with him. ME EITHER.  I would welcome it. ME TOO. I understand that you want to be clear headed, YES PLEASE.  but you already are honey. I THINK I AM BUT I WISH I FELT LIKE I WAS. You were when you entered into your affair. FOR SURE. You probably knew that your marriage was over YES BUT HE WASN’T INVOLVED IN OUR LIVES AT ALL… HE WAS IN THAT BAND.. TRAVELING AND LOVING HIS OWN SELFISH LIFE on a deep level, even if you weren’t ready to face it. TRUE. But as the “mother” we cannot allow ourselves to think that our happiness and fulfillment should come before our children’s well being. VERY VERY VERY TRUE! Your children have an unhealthy father and a sad mother. YEP. Please do not delete your email. I CAN’T, I DON’T WANT TO, I CAN’T LET GO OF MY GREATEST LOVE. I SHARED MORE WITH HIM THAN ANONE AND HE KNOWS ALL OF ME.  MORE THAN MY HUSBAND KNOWS I THINK. You have the strength to do this on your own, I WISH I FELT THAT WAY even with contact. SCARY This divorce is NOT about your affair, NOT AT ALL but about your failed marriage. TRUE.  You KNOW this already. I DO. But the guilt is still there. YES IT IS. Please forgive yourself. UGG. Please move forward for you. TRYING. And if in time, you end up with the love of your life, let it be. TEARS STARTING. Let it be what it is. 😦 Meant to be. In my opinion anyway. I’M THANKFUL FOR YOUR OPINION. And I’m not some young, dumb, immoral person. I NEVER THOUGHT THAT FOR A MOMENT.  I have lived and learned. And I should have the courage to leave my marriage for the right reasons too. But I don’t yet. IT JUST MEANS YOU ARE NOT READY, IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU LACK COURAGE. So please don’t feel bad. I’LL TRY. Do what you need to do for YOU WHY DOES THIS SEEM SO SELFISH?  and your children ALWAYS! and let the rest fall into place. I’LL TRY BUT I HAVE SUCH A HARD TIME JUST GIVING UP CONTROL.

 

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13 thoughts on “Black text: a friend/blogger, Red text: Me

  1. You feel selfish, b/c someone else HAS become involved. Up until then, leaving might not have been an option in your mind, b/c if you are anything like ME, I did not realize what I was missing. I do not mean that I was missing great sex or attraction (I mean, I was, but that is not my focus here.) I had simply come to the conclusion, without even realizing it, that THIS was life. THIS was marriage. That I did not need sex, affection, support or any type of intimacy with my husband. I decided that my children would be my life (not in an unhealthy way) and that I would be fine. Again…I did not sit down one day and DECIDE this. It just came to be.

    When I reconnected with my MM again (after 10 years apart, and while it sounds ignorant of me, I was in the SAME situation with him when I was 22 and he was NEWLY married with NO children…and he still did not leave. Dumb me.) But anyway…as I was saying….when I reconnected with him, at first it was really b/c I was curious as to where he had ended up, what he was doing etc. I mean, I had connected through FB with other old high school or college boyfriends and never felt some urge to be with them. Not at all. And so we spoke for 30 minutes and another year went by. I checked in again, via email, and we again spoke for about 30 minutes. But that time, there were a few texts here and there…and I was also feeling very angry and alone and sad in my marriage.

    Ultimately (and I do not mean to tell my story here….crap) I went through a very traumatic event in my life and my husband was unsupportive and cruel. That was the day my marriage ended in my eyes. And so when MM texted and asked if he could see me (he was going to be in town, lived 5 hours away at the time) I said yes. I knew then, even though I pretended not to, that if our connection was anything close to what it was the first time, that I was in trouble. And I was. I stayed in trouble for 3 years….and am still being “reprimanded” daily. ( to stay along the lines of “trouble”. LOL!)

    Anyway, if you fast forward through the rest of it all, what I ended up learning was that I DID need love. I DID need emotional support. I DID need affection and touch and holding and yes, I needed and wanted sex. That was the lesson that I had to walk away with, since I cannot have him. And I am still not sure that I can find what I had with him, with anyone else, in the future. Not like that, anyway. Like you, he knows more about me than my own husband. Here is a sad statement….and I didn’t even know there was anything wrong with it until I experienced something else….but I never once, looked my husband in the eye, during sex. How simple, right? Wrong. It is probably the most intimate and vulnerable thing about the entire act, to me anyway. And with MM, I could. I was safe and I felt safe and I felt open enough to let myself be vulnerable.

    But back to you. I think that the selfish feeling comes from ANOTHER person showing you that you did want things and that you do need things, that for a long time, you thought you didn’t. And so the area becomes grey, b/c as a wife and mother, you think…”well if I had never crossed that line, maybe I would have worked harder on the marriage? Maybe I would still be okay with the mundane but somewhat stable life I had before?” You feel selfish for acknowledging that as a human being, you want and NEED more. But here is the thing, for me anyway. You would never have allowed the affair to happen, if you were secure in your marriage. If you hadn’t already done therapy and tried to fix what was broken. If you hadn’t already attempted to help your husband heal, for years and years and years. I am sure others may say that it still is no excuse. And they are right. There is never an excuse to cheat. But there are reasons.

    So separate the two. You had an experience in your life that opened your eyes to a new world. It taught you a lesson. (many probably) It changed you and caused you to take an inventory of the life you were living, versus the life you want and NEED. I realized that I only had ONE chance and that it could be taken away at ANY moment. And that thought still terrifies me, as I sit in a stale and unhealthy marriage, out of fear. But the take away is that you learned something about yourself in a way that isn’t deemed to be healthy or moral or good. So you have guilt over THAT. But it doesn’t change what is underneath and that is the broken marriage.

    For me, it has been 10 full years of the same cycle in my marriage. The same unhealthy cycle. While I cannot be with my MM, and I am not yet divorced, and don’t know when I will. I DO know now, that I want, need and deserve more. On a level that I did not know existed. I know that I am clear on this. I removed the MM from my life (physically) for a full year and very slowly, emotionally. And I did the final phase of WORK on my marriage. It was the last ditch effort to save us, knowing FOR SURE, that I was doing everything right, or at least by the book. During that time, I held up my end of the bargain….but my husband did not. (like yours hasn’t). He did not follow through with therapy or counseling and while he will take propecia for hair loss, he won’t take an anti-depressant for his obvious depression. (which manifests itself through constant negativity, stress, criticism and control.) He wants a better marriage, but not enough to do the work. And NOW, I know, that it will never change. He will never change. And at this point, if he does, it is already too late.

    Have I made any sense? I am SO sorry for the length of this. Please don’t feel as if you have to post this, b/c I am embarrassed by it’s length. I guess the take away is simply that the situation in which you came to the realization that you were not happy in your marriage and in which you finally accepted that the marriage cannot be repaired, was a situation that is tainted with judgment and an overwhelming sense of “wrongness”. So it feels “selfish” to have realized that you want something different for yourself, even though I believe that eventually, you would have gotten there with or without the MM. Whew. I did NOT mean to say all of that. But there are so events on the timeline that need to be broken down, analyzed and finally processed. Actually, the final stage is hopefully…acceptance. I have gotten there. I know my marriage is over, regardless of the affair. And while I am not sure of where I am going or when, I at least have peace again, having finally made a decision.

    I’m embarrassed to even hit “post comment” but now I have an appointment to get to….so here goes!

    • OMGosh I feel like you know my full story! I feel like we are in similar boats for sure. The same size boat, color boat, going the same speed. The only difference is our sails are different brands. The brands being emotional abuse and addiction. I have become really close to a few bloggers outside of our blogs, by email or phone calls and I appreciate them, but their situations are similar, not so close to what yours and mine seem! Gosh I wish I knew you in real life and not just blogging life. It would be nice to have that same boat friend in life.

      • I agree so much with what letlovego is saying to you. But it’s difficult, she knows what she should do, preaches it to you, but yet is unable to do it herself. Reading what she has written here it seems obvious what she should do.

      • however, I know fully how hard it is to do it. I can say I am going to divorce him, and I have been so close so many times, will I do it? This time? Maybe. Maybe not. But I have always been able to tell people when they should go.. what they should do. Common sense works well outside of the box.
        Not so easy when its you. Your marriage. Your husband that you still care for. Not so easy when its your marriage that is failing.

    • “I did not realize what I was missing. I do not mean that I was missing great sex or attraction (I mean, I was, but that is not my focus here.) I had simply come to the conclusion, without even realizing it, that THIS was life. THIS was marriage. That I did not need sex, affection, support or any type of intimacy with my husband.” ” He will never change. And at this point, if he does, it is already too late.”

      This was my exact same situation as well… i empathize, i understand and finally i support, your journey…thank you for this reply…

  2. Per the above comments:

    As a “newcomer” I most certainly do NOT want to take offense. I have always hoped that the honesty within me, would shine through in my writing. That by admitting that I am afraid to leave b/c I have been out of the work force for so long, was PART of the reason I am currently staying. In Being ‘Her’s’ case though, I feel that she has something I do not. A fully functioning career, and a confidence in being able to make it, alone. I do have a degree with nearly a decade’s worth of experience, but I also have fear. Something I freely admit. I discuss it frequently in my therapy sessions, and on other sites. I am constantly attempting to build enough confidence to actually follow through on what it is,that I so desire. I guess I just do not want to come off as “preaching”, yet following a different set of guidelines for myself. Trust me, I struggle with that everyday. I wish I had the confidence in MYSELF to leave TODAY. But I don’t. And because I do know myself so well, I have to be completely independent and ready, when I do leave. And I will. Mark my words. I will. I absolutely WILL take my own advice, and I am constantly working toward sooner, as opposed to later….or never.

  3. Wow. Neat dialogue. As a divorced mom of two Involved in the most in-amicable split imaginable my new view is this: If you are emotionally strong enough to successfully co-parent with your former partner, it is leaps and bounds better than staying together in a loveless marriage. I’ve witnessed functional splits working and the kids and former partners are thriving (after some rocky patches of course).
    I have heard from far too many friends in this past year that they are sticking around for the kids. Although I understand as a woman and had the same sense of guilt and loss when my marriage fell apart (and I didn’t initiate it), I can hardly stand to see them going through the motions and shelving their own wholeness.
    Good luck to you, and you can all still be happy once the marriage part is over.

  4. To be independent is a big and frightful leap to take. That’s why my mom can’t leave my dad. She can’t accept his sexuality (we think he’s a closet bisexual who can’t seem to stop having extra-marital sexual escapades), but she’s financially dependent on him. Society and relatives expect marriages to last. She tried running away several times, only for my dad to take her back home precisely because of what society and relatives expect. He needs my mom to put up this idea and reputation that he has a good heterosexual marriage, plus the order she brings to the household. Is that what marriage is all about? I know I’d want a more honest and loving relationship. Maybe it”s their generation, too. They can sacrifice more of themselves than their younger counterparts.

    The exchange of points of view here has made me take a good look at my marriage, and why I feel this way to a man outside my marriage. I love my husband, and after years of being with him, I can say we’ve made progress, and I’m getting to be happier with him. I just don’t understand why I’m greatly attracted to another man.

    Sorry for the length! 🙂

  5. There is one sentence that jumped out at me; right at the end.
    I’LL TRY BUT I HAVE SUCH A HARD TIME JUST GIVING UP CONTROL.

    If I may play devils advocate and not come across as judgmental or attacking you because I have been there and only say this because I have been there; but exactly what are you in control of?

    You have no control over whether your husband does drugs or not or whether he chooses to live or not; that is being a martyr (sorry I cringe at that word and it hurt when someone called me that) sometimes we stay with someone or in a situation because we DON’T want to be in control. It is easier to react to someone else’s actions than take action ourselves. If we take control we might fail and right now the other person is failing and it makes us feel superior for lack of a better word. I would be happy, if he only, if he didn’t, …… We hand the control for our happiness over to the other person ; its easier and we know our role with them. If we take control we only have ourselves to blame if things don’t work out (but things always do work out), we are responsible for our own happiness. You owe that to your kids, not only to be happy but to teach them that they are responsible for their own mistakes, happiness and consequences to their actions. In fact you owe it to your husband to say, I believe you are strong enough to do this without me monitoring you, admonishing you and teaching you right from wrong. Right now you know who/what is in control? His addiction. Every one is waiting for his addiction to raise its ugly head again and maybe it isn’t possible for you to go back to your husband because you can’t forget the pain and lies. Maybe your husband needs to start fresh too, did you ever think maybe he needs to find someone new to love who he hasn’t hurt and who isn’t suspicious? You don’t know what the future holds and there is only one way to find out. But maybe staying is being selfish and letting go would be the kindest thing to do? From what I can tell I think its time you TOOK control.
    Sorry if I offended
    Carrie

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