Letting go..


Letting go.

Letting everything just fall to where it is going to land.

Walking away knowing I tried.

Learning to to only worry about myself and children.

Letting life occur.

One foot in front of the other. Repeat.

I pray my husband wakes up.

For his kids.

Before its too late.

I’m sure eventually the dust will settle.

Because I’m sick of the dust being in my eyes, (and heart).




10 thoughts on “Letting go..

  1. Proud of you. Even though I just started following you, and learning about your journey. I do not believe that you are doing this b/c of, or for MM, but for you. Yes, your MM may have played a role in opening your eyes to your current situation and how you could no longer stay there. But you know in your heart, that you are not leaving for MM. You are leaving for you. To take care of you. In in doing so, you will also take care of your children. And if in the end, MM, happens to leave his situation for his OWN well being, then as you said…the dust WILL settle. You are only blessed with ONE life…ONE. And that is different from the youthful saying…”you only live once”! (so let’s get a tattoo!) But this is YOUR life and your children’s. And I will also pray for your husband. We cannot force ANYONE we love (be it husband OR MM to change…we can only change how we react to or deal with or accept them.) I have NO doubt that you will put them first in everything you do moving forward, and that you will not expose them to ANYTHING that you are not sure of. So hang in there. You can be my inspiration one day, to believe that it can be done. And by “it” I mean…taking care of yourself and finding happiness where you need to. Within yourself, by being true to yourself.

  2. And I must add….I am not naive to the fact that there might be internal hope in regard to you and MM ending up together. I am not pretending that you might not be with him, or need him, or that your love for him “might” have influenced the timing of this. But MM is NOT the REASON. I guess I wanted to clarify that. Because I GET that there are obviously a multitude of feelings and emotion, regarding MM and the future and what it may hold. And freedom. Oh freedom. It is both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time, isn’t it? Ok. That’s all. (for now!)

  3. I am in a similar position, albeit our kids are off & on their own now. But the disconnect between my wife & I seems palpable. What I don’t get is how we allow ourselves to be miserable just to avoid hurting someone else. Having spent several years in Al Anon I know that one of the themes there is “self care” – and to mothers this is a really hard lesson, that you can’t really take care of someone else until you take care of yourself. Staying for the kids? If the kids are over 5 or 6 years old, they know what’s up. They are way more perceptive than we all knowing adults give them credit for. Realizing that the kids would be happier in an environment where everyone is content and happy is a step in the right direction.

    You also mentioned about how hard it is to give up control. One other thing we learn in Al Anon is that what’s hard to give up is THE ILLUSION that you had any control at all.

    It’s a tough spot to be in and I don’t mean to be critical, just making observations. I hope you find what makes you happy.

    • Thank you. I didn’t think you were being critical, just commenting. I don’t think the divorce will affect my kids more than our last four years have. He isn’t living here, so a divorce is nothing new. They know. Its just letting go of that dream that I had for our family.

  4. This really stinks… I have 3 and youngest is DeafBlind… My husband was so bad he did not die from his blood alcohol level of .46 – he went to the hospital but he daily drank 2 liters of vodka (the strong stuff) a day plus took Adarall, lorazapam, efexor, and others, smoked and chewed and also did street drugs that he won;t tell us what exactly but we have been divorced now for almost 2 years… after 2 in patient treatments, several jail time stints, several job losses and abuse… we all had enough… we have peace now.. but I just found out he has had a new lover the past 10 months… but still says “I love you” to me… I want to scream at time… I sob and blubber at times. But mostly I just live and be the mom I have to be to my 3 beautiful babies…

    • wow. Hugs to you. I am so sorry you suffered through all that, (and still at times I do I’m sure). Kudos to you for doing what you needed to do for your kids. Its hard. My husband is so up and down. He’ll do great for months and months and then he falls. Its so hard. And I’m lonely. What do you do? All I can do is focus 110% on my kids. So I do great until the middle of the night. Then it is tough.

  5. Found this as I am struggling in my choice to let go of HIM for the children, both mine and his. It’s so painful and every minute I ask myself why I made the decision to let go. For five years I have seen HIM.. talking to HIM about every thought in my head. Now I just feel lonely. I am hoping that I can through this pain… a pain that must be kept secret and is tearing me up. My family even asked me if I had a stroke, because I am just vacant…

    • 😦 its comments like these that I have no idea what to say, what to suggest, what to say that I did that worked. Truth is I’m still so lonely. Nothing has ever made me as happy as he did, and I’m terrified that nothing (or anyone) will ever again.

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