And my Ex now wants to show compassion. Again.

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I was so sick on Saturday and Sunday.  I had the worst migraine.  Vomiting.  The whole nine yards.  I could NOT be a mom, I could not even get out of bed.  I did cry knowing full well that would make my head hurt that much worse but thats all I could do.  It got so bad and my meds weren’t working that I wanted to go to the hospital.   My parents are out of town, my sister lives in the mountains.  Who was I going to call.   My son has a permit and could drive me but then who would watch the younger kids? Next thing I know my husband is at my house.  He offered to take me to the hospital so my oldest son could stay with the kids.  Perfect I thought because I sure the hell didn’t  want to leave him at my house.  I don’t trust him to stay out of my shit.

So we get in the car and I don’t know if any of you get migraines but your sense of smell is on a HUGE high and even the littlest smell can make you want to throw up.  The car moving made me sick.  He pulled over for me to get sick, (OMG, really?!?!) he ran around the car with baby wipes for me.  I just started crying.  I wanted to die right there.  I’d get sick and my head would throb.   He kept saying he was sorry.  I finally snapped asking him to please shut up, I didn’t want to talk about us.  He said he was saying sorry because I wouldn’t be in pain if  he hadn’t taken my medication.  I informed him I can’t hold anything down so even if I had pills, (which he did leave me a few) I couldn’t hold them down for them to work anyway.

We get to the hospital and walk in.  I can’t see, (due to the visual flashes and crap that fly through your vision during a migraine) so he is filling out all of my forms.  The nurse comes out and calls us back to a room and another guy comes in to start my IV and I start crying like a baby.   I am the worlds biggest baby about IV’s.  I can do shots, and tattoos, and childbirth but bring in an IV and you’d think they were cutting my arm off.

They guy looks at me and smiles, he promises me I will be fine and that he is good at this.  No help, I am still crying.  My husband grabs my other hand and makes a comment that I was never good at this.   I just have shitty veins and they can never find them.   My husband is holding my hand and I don’t know if I’m more irritated with my headache, the guy doing my IV or my husband holding my hand.  Just then I am going to throw up again.  HERE IS MY BIGGEST HOSPITAL PET PEEVE.  They hand you this teeny tiny kidney shaped bowl to throw up in.  Either you vomit the amount of a three month old baby spitting up OR you have extreme talent to not over flow the puzzle shaped bowl and get an award for not missing.   Can I just have a trash can or go to the toilet…. this is some sport or something.

Next thing I know I am not hurting (amazing pain meds in my IV) and my husband is holding a washcloth on my forehead.  Damn.  He used to be so kind.  I start crying.   He asks if I’m okay I said yes, my head just really hurts.  I thank him for bringing me to the ER.   I fall asleep to him rubbing my hair.  I get sent home two hours later with meds for my vomiting, pain and migraine.  He says he will stay late and make the kids dinner.  I put all my medication under my mattress upon which I was laying and went to bed.  I woke again at 9pm freaking out got out of bed.  Came out to the main room and he was on the couch watching TV.  He said he did our second youngest homework with her and put all the kids  to bed.  He had made them dinner and cleaned up the dishes.  I said thank you and realized he had a bowl of the soup he made the kids in the microwave for me.   The thought was nice but the thought of food made my stomach roll.   Why can’t it be like this?  Him helping.  Him being clean. Because if it was I’d stay with him in a heartbeat.  Under all the drugs and crap he is a really good, caring man.

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18 thoughts on “And my Ex now wants to show compassion. Again.

  1. what a brutal and awful night and experience. and that it brought up so much emotional crap when you were dealing with so much physical crap as well. just remember random moments of kindness are not his history. you deserve that kind of care all the time and not just when incapacitated. be well.

  2. I hope you are feeling better now. I haven’t had to deal with migraines, but that sounds horribly painful. I must admit that I was surprised when you asked why it couldn’t be like “that” all the time and if it was, that you would STAY with him in a heartbeat. It’s not that the statement itself doesn’t make sense, but I don’t feel that way at all. I am so damaged emotionally by my husband and his words and behavior over the last many years, that it is too late. More than that, even though we ARE getting along right now and he IS being nicer, I know that it is b/c of ME and all of the work I have done. For my husband, he is never happier what I am fixing MYSELF. Only then can he “love” me….or at this point, I suppose it is closer to “liking” me.

    So, did you mean that if it could be like that all the time, you WOULD stay with him even now? Or did you mean that if it was always like that, you stay, even if you had met someone else? Or do you think that your thought process and subsequent comment was more about how nice it is to have a functioning two parent household, in times like this, and that if he could change, you would stay, b/c THAT would be worth it? I certainly DO NOT mean to push or ask too many question, but I suppose it makes me rethink my last few comments to you, if you TRULY would stay, *if* he could change. That is not to say that he can…or that you are even willing to wait, but in that entry, I got the feeling, that you might still be.

    And then I read words like that from people who are in similar situations as me, and it makes me realize just how much my husband and I do NOT have any foundation at all. He would take care of me, if I were in that shape (maybe…b/c he has left me to do it alone before…yes, this is true) but even if he did, I wouldn’t want him back. Under any circumstances. Maybe my questions are more for me than for you, b/c I feel like in reading your entry and your words, I can’t relate to that. And that is a pretty big deal, as far as my own situation goes. Not sure how much longer I can avoid the inevitable. Even if I had a glimmer of hope or want, it might be different, but I just don’t.

    But anyway…I really hope that you are feeling much better now. I’m sorry that you were hurting….both physically and emotionally. It really is a roller coaster for quite some time, until you finally choose to get off. I feel like I am sitting on the ride, after it is over, waiting for the bar to lift, but not realizing that it is the type of bar that you life yourself. As soon as I figure that out, I can get out….and decide what ride I want to get on next, if any. Take care…

    • I understand that, however the first half of our marriage, before the drugs and the band were like this all the time. We were both caring on both sides all the time. I miss that SO much.

  3. I’m so sorry about the migraine! I know how you feel! I cry every time, knowing full well that it will make them worse. My man feels so helpless each time I get them. It has been a while since I ended up at the hospital for them, but they have been pretty bad lately.

    I also hate IV’s more than anything!!! I can do shots, but not IV’s! However, my patients all say I am excellent at giving them! : ) lol I had one lady that was deathly afraid of them like me, she asked if she could call me any time she needed one. Ha! I get even the toughest ones too! As my evaluator said when I was in school, “she has skillz!” lol

    Hope things are getting better! And be careful trusting him…he is playing the classic game…I’ve been there…

  4. I’m sorry you were sick….that sounded rough.

    He sounds like a really good guy, but he can’t keep coming into your life and jerking you around. He needs to get some serious help and get better on his own. He can’t play house and then go and get high when he feels like it.

  5. Thanks for the reply. I honestly did not mean for that to come off wrong and hope that it didn’t. Just getting more history on you, I suppose! But that makes me sad, that things USED to be so good. It also does give me hope for you, in some way. I feel like you are in an even tougher spot than me, because you DID used to have a great relationship. You have experienced life with your DH before drugs, and I have not experienced life with my DH before abuse. So I can now completely understand the back and forth and how events like this probably cause you to doubt and wonder and even….hope. Heck, even with me, I went back and forth for 3 years before I mentally and emotionally accepted that I can’t fall back in love with him.

    I’ll be thinking of you and hoping for some peace for you. And remember, “Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things, and still be calm in your heart”. (-Unknown). It is one of my favorites and it is the best way I have to describe where I am, even though I still have issues to take care of. It has taken me YEARS to feel this again…..and it is a gift. Praying for that gift, for you.

  6. I enjoyed the insight to your life, of which I can envision as my own if I continue to let my addict, or MY addiction to my addict, be the centre of my world.
    By that, I mean what I have allowed from my partner, not you from yours.
    I can see why you stuck by your husband for a period. Not only for the children, its an obsession to finally have ‘that man’ back.

    I have been in a relationship for only 18 months to a long time user who also happens to be such an amazing man. Although I don’t want it to end, I need and deserve a hell of a lot more than what he is giving me. I feel lucky in a sense that there are no children to consider and if I want to, I can get out easily.

    My heart breaks every day for what he is going through. I am shattered that he cannot see his potential in the same light everyone else can and that he believes this is all he deserves.

    You may understand my view/experience more from my only post, My Addiction. I get the feeling you may have been standing in my shoes not long ago. 🙂

    Thanks

    • I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is so hard. Under all the pills, drinking (whatever the addiction) is a person. Usually a very kind, loving, sweet person if they could only break through. It is physically and emotionally draining to wait for that break through though. Its almost like it brings the other ‘healthy’ person down while the one with the addiction is trying to stand again.

      • Thank you. It’s tough not having many people to discuss it with either. You can talk about it, and everything that comes with it, up to a certain point before you start looking look like a fool. People also love to discuss your business with EVERYONE else.
        As for the affair, I can see how after years of feeling neglected and over-looked, you could stray when you never ever imagined you would. I’ve always 100% believed I would never no matter what, but then when you have night after night alone, followed by day after day mothering a sick man, physically and emotionally, escaping that reality would seem like a good idea at one point.
        I also have to say about your husband blaming himself for it, I’d probably blame mine too! 🙂

      • I hope you are feeling much better..every single blog you have written, I have felt the “choke” of tears welling up..you write so well and so honestly, that for once, I don’t feel so alone, even for the briefest of moments. A week ago Thursday, I ended up in the emergency room with an abnormal heart rhythm (and I am health as a horse, knock on wood..never get sick), but this was a wake up call. Turns out, the etiology was a combination of too much caffeine (trying to burn the candle at both ends, being a mom, making basketball games, working two jobs, groceries, paying the bills, laundry, etc) and MSG..threw me into trigeminy. The doctor on call was a woman, my age, four kids (just like me) and working two jobs…she got it, literally, how I was feeling on the inside. It was funny, though..my kids were sound asleep at home, husband passed out in his chair in front of the t.v., lost in some haze of whatever pill he chose to block out the real life around him. I’ve always thought that was an effing luxury myself..to be able to check out like that, to choose a pill over your wife, children, family, friends…it is a demanding, expensive, addictive “lover” if you will. The only person I wanted, at that moment, was Him…but I couldn’t and wouldn’t call him at home. He would have come, for me, because he loves me, but I won’t ask him to do that.

        Wishing you a very Merry Christmas…for you and your kids.. Thank you, for being willing to share your story.

      • Thank you for reading my blog. I appreciate every reader and their comments and opinions. It has helped me so much in my situation. I haven’t checked yet, but I hope you have a blog I can follow too. I’ll go check now. 🙂 If you don’t have a blog you should SOOOO start one!

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