Which tells me what tomorrow will be like.
He is always in my head when it is snowing or cold.
My husband came over tonight. He helped with dinner. It was nice, (it was really good too). He came over because my two youngest kids are sick. He came to see them/help. The help was nice but I find that it puts me in this instant foul mood. I am finding that I am annoyed at everything when he really isn’t doing anything wrong. I am so sick of feeling like this. I know what it is. I know that it is just the anger that I feel over everything that has happened surfacing. I am so pissed that him being here is a treat for my kids when it should be the way it is all the time. I am so pissed that he helps with dinner which should be a normal occurrence. I am so pissed that it is awkward trying to get him to leave, seeing him let down a little that I am not asking him to stay the night. I am so FUCKING pissed that he did this to us.
I am so pissed. And hurt. And sad. And lonely. And missing HIM and wanting my marriage back, and hating drugs….
I seriously could go on forever.
I am sitting in a dark room lit only by the Christmas tree, the kids are in bed and my ipod is playing on the Bose stereo softly. The Song is Singalong Junk by Paul McCartney. Its a great song. You tube it. LIsten to it. It is relaxing. It goes well with a good red wine and WordPress! 🙂
My tree is beautiful. It looks pretty damn happy. I don’t think I ever found time to sit and look at my tree all alone. With a laptop in my lap and a glass of wine at my side. How fucking depressing.
I checked on the kids. Made sure they were covered. Its cold here tonight. A bunch of snow is expected. I checked their heads and made sure their fevers were still gone. I leaned against the door frame listening to their breathing. Those poor mommies and daddies that don’t get to see and hear this anymore because of that shooter in Connecticut. It is heart breaking. Makes all my problems and issues no where important. I have no right to complain about anything. They all were so beautiful.
Guess I need to stop complaining now. I have no reason to do so. I’m truly blessed, with or without a husband. I have five beautiful children, and I am so very thankful. I, if I had one wish would give anyone who has ever lost a child, their child back. I can’t imagine that pain. Even the thought of it is excruciating. I couldn’t imagine. I wish those parents didn’t have to feel this pain.
Selfish bastard with a gun.