So tonight it is supposed to snow….


Which tells me what tomorrow will be like.

He is always in my head when it is snowing or cold.

My husband came over tonight.  He helped with dinner.  It was nice, (it was really good too).  He came over because my two youngest kids are sick.  He came to see them/help.  The help was nice but I find that it puts me in this instant foul mood.  I am finding that I am annoyed at everything when he really isn’t doing anything wrong.  I am so sick of feeling like this.  I know what it is.  I know that it is just the anger that I feel over everything that has happened surfacing.   I am so pissed that him being here is a treat for my kids when it should be the way it is all the time.  I am so pissed that he helps with dinner which should be a normal occurrence.   I am so pissed that it is awkward trying to get him to leave, seeing him let down a little that I am not asking him to stay the night.   I am so FUCKING pissed that he did this to us.

I am so pissed.  And hurt.  And sad.  And lonely.  And missing HIM and wanting my marriage back, and hating drugs….

I seriously could go on forever.

I am sitting in a dark room lit only by the Christmas tree, the kids are in bed and my ipod is playing on the Bose stereo softly.   The Song is Singalong Junk by Paul McCartney.   Its a great song.  You tube it.  LIsten to it.  It is relaxing.  It goes well with a good red wine and WordPress!  🙂

My tree is beautiful.  It looks pretty damn happy.  I don’t think I ever found time to sit and look at my tree all alone.  With a laptop in my lap and a glass of wine at my side.  How fucking depressing.

I checked on the kids.  Made sure they were covered.  Its cold here tonight.  A bunch of snow is expected.  I checked their heads and made sure their fevers were still gone.  I leaned against the door frame listening to their breathing.   Those poor mommies and daddies that don’t get to see and hear this anymore because of that shooter in Connecticut.   It is heart breaking.   Makes all my problems and issues no where important.  I have no right to complain about anything.  They all were so beautiful.

Guess I need to stop complaining now.  I have no reason to do so.  I’m truly blessed, with or without a husband.  I have five beautiful children, and I am so very thankful.  I, if I had one wish would give anyone who has ever lost a child, their child back. I can’t imagine that pain.  Even the thought of it is excruciating.  I couldn’t imagine.  I wish those parents didn’t have to feel this pain.

Selfish bastard with a gun.


3 thoughts on “So tonight it is supposed to snow….

  1. I hadn’t seen that Memorial pic yet. It is so sad yet so beautiful. Heartbreakingly so. And like you, it has allowed me to focus on what really matters again. I try to do so all the time, but a reminder like this….well, I just don’t have a right to be sad right now. Or lonely. My babies are upstairs sleeping, peacefully and I get to see their sweet faces in the morning. And tomorrow, while they are at school, I get to wrap lots of little surprises that they have been wishing for. And then I get to watch them rip open the paper and smile and squeal with delight. I am blessed. And I will be okay. (so will you….)

  2. First, I know your hurt and anger, but for different reasons. Next, you have a right to complain, just because your complaint is different from someone else’s, does not mean you’re not allowed to complain. Everyone has their own perspective, no one can tell you it is wrong or not allowed. It’s truly tragic what happened, but that doesn’t mean your problems are any less important.

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