The day before Christmas

So Monday, Christmas Eve my business that I own was closed.   I am never closed.  What do most people do on Christmas Eve?  Shop? Clean and get ready for the big day? Plan their Christmas Dinner?  Be lazy and watch football?  NO not me!  I always have my girly doctor appointment.  I can remember it that way (when it is) and always have the day off lol.

So I’m laying there on that table… you know that awkward hard/cold/plastic/paper table.   My doctor does my breast exam and says all looked good, (yay!!!) and then goes to the end of the table and sits on her little chair.  She guides my feet to the stupid foot rests and tells me to relax.  That statement always annoys the heck out of me.  Relax?  Really?  You are about to put cold, awkward things into my body and tell me things like you are going to feel my uterus as you push to my spine through my stomach, all while you are telling me to relax. But whatever.  What I am getting at is when she was down there, she looks over the paper cloth draped over my legs and asks, “So while I’m in here, (my mind is screaming please don’t say IN) how about we take this IUD out because it is due to expire in April, before your next appointment and we can either put another one in OR talk about other birth control.  I said Okay because I knew April would have been five years that it had been in and thats when you get them out.   As she takes it out I get this anxious feeling.  It was kind of a final straw to realizing my relationship is pretty much done.

She asks if I want another one put in and I said no.

She finishes up and helps me sit up.

She looks at me and says okay, so what forms of birth control should we consider?  That was the moment.   The moment that I tell someone in person outside of my best friends that my marriage was over.   I started bawling.  I told her I wouldn’t be needing birth control.   She asked if I was sure because she knows how fertile I am… she said are you sure you don’t want to go on a pill because you two could make up or you could meet someone else.   I agreed only because I didn’t want to talk about it.  She filled my prescription for birth control, (ones that aren’t supposed to affect my migraines) and I have no plan to fill them.   I have no plan in having sex.  If I get to a place where that changes I’ll fill them.  Until then I guess ‘that area’ of my life is closed.  Sigh.

I walked to my car and started crying.  The littlest things make you realize how much your life has changed.  A simple not needing a pill or an IUD.

Sorry.  This post maybe to much info, I just had to get it out of my head.



12 thoughts on “The day before Christmas

  1. I always hate those appointments! Ugh!! My doctor always gives me a lecture when I pass on birth control, but given my man can’t have kids right now…well I don’t really need it. And u don’t want it anyway, my migraines are too often and bad enough anyway.

  2. This post, beautifully and honestly written, is like the perfect analogy for how things are during the process of restarting your life. Moments of clarity and even new-found humor and insight, followed by complete cloudiness and tunnel vision. Then you start the next hour. Then day… then week… In the months that followed after finding myself divorced and a single dad, I had moments of re-birth and optimism that my life and the lives of my children were taking a higher road to a better place. A few minutes later, I was trying to keep my kids from seeing me teary eyed feeling like I was at the bottom of a canyon emotionally. But at the root of everything, I am an optimistic and hopeful person — things that help you see the good things, the humor and the bigger picture as you establish your new life. In the first part of your post, those qualities are truly obvious, and I’m sure — like me — they will illuminate the right direction for you. And even though I’m a guy, I can understand how past experience is probably birth control enough for now 😉

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