Just checked email… and these are the some of the things HE said to me…

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you remember how good it feels to be loved my the man who has always loved you…
i have never stopped loving you.
you have no idea how comfortable you made me feel too. You made me feel like i was a million miles away from any care or worry i had.
i love you and i hope i never ever ever lose what i have or have had with you.
i can tell you right now that my feelings for you will never change or fade.  you and our experiences are permanately engraved in my mind and on my heart.
i’ve said this a million times, but i still don’t think you have any idea how bad i want to be with you!!!  i love you!
have a great night honey.  when you find yourself getting down or stressed out, think of us!
i love you!  xoxoxoxox 143

Now before you judge me….

If you were hurting this badly, and you met someone in their marriage hurting just as badly, and you did nothing but talk for six months and come to love this person… could you keep from making a terrible mistake?  I was so sad.  I was so down, and in this nightmare, this life of mine, HE made me smile and feel good about myself, and I apparently did the same for HIM.  I have not spoken to him for awhile.  I don’t plan to either.  I’m so sick of everything and everyone.  I wish I knew all of you in real life, and had these conversations with you in person.  The friendship and warm body sitting before me is much needed.   I just hold this pattern of get up, be a mom, work, be a mom, go to bed.  I’m exhausted.  I’m tired of trying to fix what can’t be glued. Or what doesn’t want to be glued.   And frankly its all getting to be a little pathetic.  

Let down again, maybe for the last time.

My husband and I have been doing pretty good.  Great conversation, he’s been helping a lot… things have been going well.   Last night we were intimate.   He couldn’t finish.  He said it was because he was so tired.  We laid down and were starting to fall asleep and I couldn’t get it out of my head that all the times before when he couldn’t finish he was on pills.   It was eating at me.  I bought a safe that I had been keeping my pills in but when I had gone to the mountains I put them in a lock box and hid the key in the bag for my headphones.   He somehow got into the lock box.  Not sure if he pushed the pin out of the hinges or if he found the key.  I’m hosed when I go out of town, he knows I need my meds I guess.    I’m so sorry to bore you with the fact that he has stolen from me again, and that I had started to forgive him and trust him again.   Thing is I always said I wouldn’t be one of those dumb women who again and again forgive men for the same senseless acts.   I just really had hoped things would be different because of what my daughter wanted for Christmas.  My savings is gone, I used it to put him through therapy twice.  I was under the impression he was taking his script that made him not feel his high… now I’m wondering if I watched him swallow some other pill assuming it was his script.   Fuck my life.   I’m so sorry all my posts are the same, trust me its getting old to me too.  I think each time it hurts more, but the shock is a little less. 

Goodbye Rgonaut, I’ll miss you. A lot.

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Goodbye.

I am so sad.   I truly feel like I have lost a best friend.   I take it very seriously when you follow me or comment on my posts.  And when you’ve been around awhile, you build ‘friendships’ with your fellow bloggers.  I am so sad to see him go.  When you have blogged as long as I have, (which for this blog is only a year but I have the most followers on this blog) you see people go all the time.  There are very few I feel “REALLY” close to and this is one of those people.  Thank you for letting me into your life by the stories you told, I will miss you.

From my mind to HIS inbox…

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Hey you.

It was nice to talk to you.   Its so odd, what hearing your voice does to me.   I know it sounds sappy and girly but it stirs something up inside me.  Lets all these feelings flood my thoughts and gives me this calm feeling and this ache in my chest.   After I got off the phone with you I went to bed.  I’m laying there thinking a million thoughts a minute.   I imagined being there with you.  How if the opportunity made itself present I wouldn’t have one second of hesitation, I’d be there. I don’t understand how I would never, ever, EVER consider doing anything like this, but with you I’m okay with it.
I was thinking that every marriage has its issues.  Every single one.  Thats life.  And where I know that the issues in my marriage are pretty substantial, he is trying.  Our doctor put him on a new medication that I, (like a mother), watch him swallow everyday.  How sad.  The way it works is if he takes ANY pain pill he won’t get the ‘high’.  So it basically makes taking a major pain pill like taking a tylenol.  Which is good and bad.  I hate that I have to treat him like a child and say, “Take your medicine that will keep you from lying and stealing to/from me”.    He is ashamed, he is embarrassed.   The thing is I don’t think we will EVER be able to get back where we were.  Before the pills, before the band, before you and me.   It’s just not there.   I just realize at the end of the day no one is perfect.  Why is me liking you, and wanting you badly any different than him liking pain pills and wanting them?  It comes down to it is something you want, that makes you feel good, and you’d do nearly anything to get it.  Now, I’m not really comparing you to a bottle of pills, (well kind of I am).  Is love and addiction really that far apart?  I could give you up.  I don’t want to.  I’d be brokenhearted.  I don’t feel obsessive over you.  If I did I’d be knocking on your door, demanding my love for you like some crazy Shakespeare play.  The reason I think it is love and not addiction is I COULD walk away.  I could let you go because I love you THAT much.  However, I am terrified to face that sadness and that final goodbye.   Finding you on the same day, at the same time, on the same website, in the same state, minutes apart, feeling the same way in our marriages and clicking the way we did is not a coincidence.  The famous art of learning to love something you can’t have.
I’ll never forget that one time a long time ago, you made a comment that you were getting to a place with me that you didn’t like thinking about S and I doing things.  We only talked about this once or twice but I understood your feelings.   I wouldn’t call it jealousy, I just didn’t want to share you.  I loved that I was able to be with you in ‘that way’.  Never back then did I think there would be a time where I couldn’t be with you at all.   Where it wouldn’t be easy.  Where you wouldn’t have a limo run at least once a week.  Where I couldn’t comment on your Facebook anymore.  I miss your Facebook posts for sure!  I loved seeing your political posts, KNOWING I’d hear about them in person too.   I just have all these perfect memories with you.  And they are all amazing.  They will never erase from my memory. Silly ones like you sitting on your couch when we were moving you in because you were tired and I grabbed the sink hose and threatened to spray you.  You said it wouldn’t reach you and after aiming for the sink we saw the spray power was massive.  I COULD HAVE drown you like a rat.  The fear in your eyes at that moment that I was going to was priceless.  You sitting across from me at our house on the back deck, you dishing up dinner brushing against me ‘accidentally’ . You rubbing your nose over and over while I was at your house, (that being sign that you were thinking of me).   I have that picture of your butt with a plastic fork in your back pocket on my phone. The one that you were at the baseball game and you put your butt towards me and said “FORK ME”.  I found it hysterical but D and S not so much LOL.  That day was crazy.  S and D were bored, (S hates baseball) and I just don’t think D was having a good time but maybe I was wrong.  I was having a blast.  The kids were happy, you were there, you were dancing.. (that made my day) and I was watching baseball!  And then to end it by playing catch with you was so much fun.   I’m so upset with myself for letting our families get so close.   I selfishly wanted to see more of you.  I never thought I’d end up loving your kids, (well I love all kids but I mean genuinely care about them).  In the beginning, I thought there was no way I’d end up ‘really liking D’ because of all the ways she was hurting you.  I didn’t hate her, I just didn’t know her.  And low and behold we hit it off.  She was funny, she was a great friend, she is a superb mom, yet I could see what you were talking about in the areas that you weren’t feeling like a husband.  That you felt forgotten.   I saw you do a lot of the work, heard her put you down, and heard my daughter,  when she came home say ‘mom they never hug or touch or sit together, it is so weird’.  I didn’t know if it was because she was there or, (if like you said), there was just very little affection. I guess where this letter is going it, I am so glad I met you. I would miss you if you were gone.  I was so moved by the kind things you said about me the time before last that we spoke.  Its nice to know someone sees your qualities and your good character, even if it is wrapped up in these character destroying acts like having an affair.   Underneath my choice and my actions, I am human, kind, caring and genuinely a good person.  I know you are too.  I don’t ever wish for S or D to go away… that would be heartless and it has never been a wish of mine.   I do however, wish that I could love you and be with you without anyone ever getting hurt.   And thats just it, I’d rather hurt than hurt anyone else.
It was so nice to talk to you,  I’ve missed your voice.  You were the last thing I thought about last night and the first thing that came to mind this morning.   I hope you have a wonderful day.
143.

Remembering a day (or two) with HIM.

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I slid the hotel card into the door.

The little light turned green and the lock clicked.

I opened the door and put the Valentines Day Card and chocolate on the bed looked at the beautiful room and turned and walked out.   I rented the room for two days with a late check out.  I knew he would get to the room first because I had to take my kids to school and I wanted to leave him a surprise for Valentines Day.  I left a second key for him at the front desk.

I went shopping.  All I could think about was my ‘next day’.  I was SO excited.   He sent me cute little texts and emails saying he was looking forward to meeting me.  I will never forget I found a scarf that I loved.  It was yellow.  I found this grey sweater-vest that was long and matched my grey boots perfectly.  It was amazing to me how good I felt.  I felt physically good.  Emotionally good.  I felt like I looked good.  I was glowing almost.  A emotional state that I hadn’t felt in a LONG time.  I knew what I was doing was wrong.  More so for him than I being that my husband had been MIA for nearly two years.  I had talked to him for almost a year at this point and had been seeing him for about four or five months.

The morning came.  I was excited, nervous, scared, anxious, happy… I felt sooo many emotions.

I entered the hotel and walked to the elevator.  The huge copper colored doors opened to mirrors on all sides and I stepped in.  I remember thinking the weightless feeling of being in an elevator is how my stomach felt without the elevator….  I knew he was in the building. The elevator came to a stop and the doors parted.  A sunlit area was before me.  I retraced my path from yesterday and went straight to the door.  I found it cracked and butterflies flew from my stomach to my throat.   He stood up from the chair when I walked in and walked up to me.  He said hi and I think I melted into a pile of nothing on the floor.  He grabbed my scarf and kissed me.  I saw the opened card on the bed.  Thats it.  Kissing started, touching began, clothes were removed, sheets were pulled down, skin was felt, nothing was awkward, everything was meaningful.  Phones were shut off.

It wasn’t sex.  It wasn’t fucking.  It was intimate.  It was sharing something with someone that you’d been close to for almost a year now.  It was sharing something with someone that knew how much you were hurting in life.  Sharing something with someone who had been forgotten at home too.  Sharing something with someone that wanted to share everything with you.   Those eight hours went so fast.  I still think about it and other than having room service bring us lunch, we didn’t do anything but pay attention to each other.  Later that evening when he left I just laid there.  My mom had gotten my kids and had planned on keeping them.  That bed was full hours earlier yet so big and empty when it was just me.  I had the windows open to the most beautiful sunset and city lights.  I laid in that bed for hours.   The pillow he laid on still smelled like him, (I wanted to take it home so bad lol).   I knew I loved him.  At this moment.  I loved him.

As far as my husband goes…. sit down…. that post will be coming soon.  Talk about a lot going on…. GEESH.