If you were hurting this badly, and you met someone in their marriage hurting just as badly, and you did nothing but talk for six months and come to love this person… could you keep from making a terrible mistake? I was so sad. I was so down, and in this nightmare, this life of mine, HE made me smile and feel good about myself, and I apparently did the same for HIM. I have not spoken to him for awhile. I don’t plan to either. I’m so sick of everything and everyone. I wish I knew all of you in real life, and had these conversations with you in person. The friendship and warm body sitting before me is much needed. I just hold this pattern of get up, be a mom, work, be a mom, go to bed. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of trying to fix what can’t be glued. Or what doesn’t want to be glued. And frankly its all getting to be a little pathetic.
My husband and I have been doing pretty good. Great conversation, he’s been helping a lot… things have been going well. Last night we were intimate. He couldn’t finish. He said it was because he was so tired. We laid down and were starting to fall asleep and I couldn’t get it out of my head that all the times before when he couldn’t finish he was on pills. It was eating at me. I bought a safe that I had been keeping my pills in but when I had gone to the mountains I put them in a lock box and hid the key in the bag for my headphones. He somehow got into the lock box. Not sure if he pushed the pin out of the hinges or if he found the key. I’m hosed when I go out of town, he knows I need my meds I guess. I’m so sorry to bore you with the fact that he has stolen from me again, and that I had started to forgive him and trust him again. Thing is I always said I wouldn’t be one of those dumb women who again and again forgive men for the same senseless acts. I just really had hoped things would be different because of what my daughter wanted for Christmas. My savings is gone, I used it to put him through therapy twice. I was under the impression he was taking his script that made him not feel his high… now I’m wondering if I watched him swallow some other pill assuming it was his script. Fuck my life. I’m so sorry all my posts are the same, trust me its getting old to me too. I think each time it hurts more, but the shock is a little less.
A read for my readers.
I am so sad. I truly feel like I have lost a best friend. I take it very seriously when you follow me or comment on my posts. And when you’ve been around awhile, you build ‘friendships’ with your fellow bloggers. I am so sad to see him go. When you have blogged as long as I have, (which for this blog is only a year but I have the most followers on this blog) you see people go all the time. There are very few I feel “REALLY” close to and this is one of those people. Thank you for letting me into your life by the stories you told, I will miss you.
Love this line:
“Perhaps, the best thing we can do is to remove both of these people from our life. By doing this we allow our heart to mourn, heal and find some clarity.”
I slid the hotel card into the door.
The little light turned green and the lock clicked.
I opened the door and put the Valentines Day Card and chocolate on the bed looked at the beautiful room and turned and walked out. I rented the room for two days with a late check out. I knew he would get to the room first because I had to take my kids to school and I wanted to leave him a surprise for Valentines Day. I left a second key for him at the front desk.
I went shopping. All I could think about was my ‘next day’. I was SO excited. He sent me cute little texts and emails saying he was looking forward to meeting me. I will never forget I found a scarf that I loved. It was yellow. I found this grey sweater-vest that was long and matched my grey boots perfectly. It was amazing to me how good I felt. I felt physically good. Emotionally good. I felt like I looked good. I was glowing almost. A emotional state that I hadn’t felt in a LONG time. I knew what I was doing was wrong. More so for him than I being that my husband had been MIA for nearly two years. I had talked to him for almost a year at this point and had been seeing him for about four or five months.
The morning came. I was excited, nervous, scared, anxious, happy… I felt sooo many emotions.
I entered the hotel and walked to the elevator. The huge copper colored doors opened to mirrors on all sides and I stepped in. I remember thinking the weightless feeling of being in an elevator is how my stomach felt without the elevator…. I knew he was in the building. The elevator came to a stop and the doors parted. A sunlit area was before me. I retraced my path from yesterday and went straight to the door. I found it cracked and butterflies flew from my stomach to my throat. He stood up from the chair when I walked in and walked up to me. He said hi and I think I melted into a pile of nothing on the floor. He grabbed my scarf and kissed me. I saw the opened card on the bed. Thats it. Kissing started, touching began, clothes were removed, sheets were pulled down, skin was felt, nothing was awkward, everything was meaningful. Phones were shut off.
It wasn’t sex. It wasn’t fucking. It was intimate. It was sharing something with someone that you’d been close to for almost a year now. It was sharing something with someone that knew how much you were hurting in life. Sharing something with someone who had been forgotten at home too. Sharing something with someone that wanted to share everything with you. Those eight hours went so fast. I still think about it and other than having room service bring us lunch, we didn’t do anything but pay attention to each other. Later that evening when he left I just laid there. My mom had gotten my kids and had planned on keeping them. That bed was full hours earlier yet so big and empty when it was just me. I had the windows open to the most beautiful sunset and city lights. I laid in that bed for hours. The pillow he laid on still smelled like him, (I wanted to take it home so bad lol). I knew I loved him. At this moment. I loved him.
As far as my husband goes…. sit down…. that post will be coming soon. Talk about a lot going on…. GEESH.
And I’m not saying I agree or disagree lol I’m just saying it made me think…. LOL, it did!