Well hello strangers!

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Sorry.  My life has been up and down.  Whats new?  I think that is why I haven’t been blogging.  You guys have to be tired of hearing the same stories over and over again.  I just keep saying the same things, I love my husband, his addiction to pills is stronger than his love for me.  But I love him.  He tries but again and again he fails.  Oh and lets not forget the continued rambling of how I miss HIM (the other man), and how happy I WAS and how he has been emailing me.  Maybe his emails will start to be what I blog about… I don’t want to get boring.

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So I was sick, you all know this.  My husband stepped up.  Took care of the kids made me soup, bought me orange juice I did not get out of bed for four days I think… (funny thing I can’t remember my days and nights, they all blended together)…. geesh!  I had a Christmas Present from one of my clients to have dinner at his restaurant, (a really nice place) and by that evening I felt a little better and we had to use the dinner that night.  So to show my appreciation to my husband for stepping up, (and boy did he ever step up, we went to this dinner.  Five course meal, beautiful presentation, so much food.  It was crazy.  I felt great during dinner… walking back to the car because the restaurant was downtown, it hit me.  I didn’t feel sick but my energy was gone.  I went from fine to exhausted.  I wanted to sit down and have him just go get the car, it was only another half a block away.  I said, “I knew I shouldn’t have done this, it was just too much too soon. I barely made it to my car, my husband drove us home and I went straight to bed, only to be awoken a half hour later by my daughter vomiting.  Great.  Poor baby and I can’t even get out of bed.  I managed to get up and walked up to my husband dealing with it and I just started crying.  I was so sick I couldn’t even be a mom.  I instantly grabbed my head it was throbbing and I had a fever.  My husband starts the shower, puts my daughter in and I go to take my meds and realize the bottle (tiny keychain thing) that I keep two pain pills in for an emergency is empty.   I wasn’t going to take a pain pill, but I moved that container to get to my Advil bottle in my purse.  I went from sick to livid and crying made it worse.   A great night ended with vomit, missing pills and tears and being let down again.  He knew instantly when I said you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.   His head fell.  How many times?  This is like ten?  Who is the stupid one by this point.  I was so angry.  Sunday I got up (he had slept on the couch because I locked my bedroom door and had turned on the monitor to my kids’ rooms) and out of being stubborn I acted like I was fine but I was one hurting unit.   I was still sick.  Sunday my son started throwing up that day.  The entire time I was sick I didn’t have a stomach bug I only had the flu and strep.  But low and behold, Tuesday I got the stomach part of it.  O.M.G. I am sick of being sick.   Its all over the today show and news how bad the flu is… they are calling it a national emergency.  Well let me tell you what.  IT IS NOT FUN… it is so bad.  Flu is always bad but I have never been that sick.   So I’m just getting to where I feel good.  I still tire easily like around four pm.  The time of day where my body just says, “Okay you need to stop, you are still getting better.”   I’m trying to listen to my body but it is so hard.

To make all of this worse.  I open my email, (you know the one I can’t bring myself to delete), to an email that says two things:

I miss you so much, you are in my head constantly.

I am going out of town for four days for work.  I wish you could come with me.

Uggg.  Damn.

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21 thoughts on “Well hello strangers!

  1. I’m exhausted and slightly sick to my stomach just from reading everything you went through on what must have been an emotional and physical roller coaster. Sickness. Wellness. Elation. Disparity. I have no words of inspiration other than to say: You made it.

  2. The flu sounds awful.. glad you’re feeling better. Seeing the e-mail would have been difficult. Has your husband considered NA? It’s changed my husbands life.

    • He isn’t going to beat this if he doesn’t want to. That is the problem. We have done medications to help, groups, you name it. I’ve done TWO in treatment centers. Its up to him and I feel so helpless.

      • You are helpless in that situation, you are correct they have to want to change. It took my husband hitting rock bottom before he could get clean. It’s not been an easy road but it has been worth it. I hope he will eventually get clean for himself, you and your kids.

    • that is the problem. I have tried so hard to ignore him for the sake of his family, (I do feel really bad for what I did to her) but it is so hard when you cared about someone so much and he is still contacting you and you are so unhappy at home….

      • I feel your pain, I really do. But at the end of the day, only you can go with what your gut tells you to do. You count too. You are important too.

  3. I am SO sorry that you and your family were hit with this nasty flu! While our flu shots appear to have protected us so far, we have been hit by some nasty, back to back roto and noro viruses! No fun. Ugh. So maybe my questions will give you something to blog about? I was under the impression, that the Other Man, was getting divorced? While I absolutely respect you leaving his family alone, I just thought their marriage was over? Has something changed? Not that this would make your situation with your OWN husband any easier and not that this would mean that you should join your MM on his work trip. I just really thought that they were getting divorced.

    As far as your hubby. Sigh. I am not sure what to say. I cannot imagine that he doesn’t want help by now? What is it going to take? He has risked and continues to risk, losing his family. I know that FOR ME, no high was worth losing my children for. My husband? Sure. Because while I was responsible for MY choices, I made A LOT of those choices to be able to continue to live in an emotionally abusive marriage. But when I finally realized that I was on a terrible path that could cost me my KIDS…..I was clear. And don’t get me wrong. It hasn’t been easy. But I just wonder if your husband is the type of man who is going to have to lose it ALL to finally get it? I know now, that MY husband is. It will take him living alone and being alone to FINALLY realize all that I did RIGHT. And I am not sure if due to his narcissistic personality , he will EVER truly admit and or understand that I was ENOUGH, flaws and all. (and I am not speaking of my pill issue.)

    But anyway. What is it going to take for YOU? Do you think that you have to cut your husband out of your and your kids’ lives completely, for him to wake up? I am NOT suggesting or insinuating at all. Just wondering? I am sure you wonder the same.

    I can tell you right now though, if my MM were getting divorced, I would be gone. In a heartbeat. Not BECAUSE of him. But b/c I want to leave, but honestly don’t feel like it is urgent at this point, b/c I have an easy life and because I don’t want anyone BUT my MM. So you, are very noble, if your MM is still getting divorced and you are STILL staying away. Because I would have joined him on that trip, were it possible, in a freaking heartbeat. But that just leads me to believe that unlike me, YOU still have LOVE and HOPE for your husband and your marriage. I wish I did, but I just don’t. There is NO love left and NO hope left either. At least not for me. And while it sucks, it is easier than the back and forth that you are most certainly going through daily. That was one of the worst parts for me. Trying to figure out what to do and when and how. And once I was able to say….FOR SURE….that our marriage was over, even if not legally, then I found PEACE.

    And for me, I still want my MM and he still wants me. But we are just waiting. And moving slowly. And while he is trying to just “do right” by everyone else, due to recent issues, I am just enjoying the luxury of being lazy, I suppose. But no matter what we choose, it all comes with a cost. And the cost for me, is that I am stagnate and stuck….by my own choosing. But at least I have the peace of knowing that I did ALL that I could to save my marriage for ME, for US and for my KIDS….but HE chose otherwise. And I have the luxury of not loving him anymore. Which I do not think that you have, yet.

    So I’ll send good vibes you way. And pray for you to find the peace that I have found in at least KNOWING, that I did ALL that I could. In knowing that my husband CHOSE his own path, at our expense. And it doesn’t even hurt that much anymore. Not like it used to. I pray for Peace, for you, soon.

    • Wow… there is a lot to reply to there… I will work on that I just didn’t want you to think I approved your message and then didn’t answer… I’ll work on that… it’s going to be a long one lol.

  4. LOL! There is NO deadline. But I know that sometimes, with me, when others ask questions, all of a sudden, I have something to say! And of course, I personally, always appreciate the new focus for me to delve deeper into what it is that I am feeling or going through. But anyway. Take your time and know that I never expect any answers! I just find what others, in this “predicament”, have to say, helpful.

  5. I can’t get over the parallels with you situation to my parents. My father was so addicted, it cost him verything even his life. I don’t have any words of wisdom but off an ear if you need to vent.

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