It was nice to talk to you. Its so odd, what hearing your voice does to me. I know it sounds sappy and girly but it stirs something up inside me. Lets all these feelings flood my thoughts and gives me this calm feeling and this ache in my chest. After I got off the phone with you I went to bed. I’m laying there thinking a million thoughts a minute. I imagined being there with you. How if the opportunity made itself present I wouldn’t have one second of hesitation, I’d be there. I don’t understand how I would never, ever, EVER consider doing anything like this, but with you I’m okay with it.
I was thinking that every marriage has its issues. Every single one. Thats life. And where I know that the issues in my marriage are pretty substantial, he is trying. Our doctor put him on a new medication that I, (like a mother), watch him swallow everyday. How sad. The way it works is if he takes ANY pain pill he won’t get the ‘high’. So it basically makes taking a major pain pill like taking a tylenol. Which is good and bad. I hate that I have to treat him like a child and say, “Take your medicine that will keep you from lying and stealing to/from me”. He is ashamed, he is embarrassed. The thing is I don’t think we will EVER be able to get back where we were. Before the pills, before the band, before you and me. It’s just not there. I just realize at the end of the day no one is perfect. Why is me liking you, and wanting you badly any different than him liking pain pills and wanting them? It comes down to it is something you want, that makes you feel good, and you’d do nearly anything to get it. Now, I’m not really comparing you to a bottle of pills, (well kind of I am). Is love and addiction really that far apart? I could give you up. I don’t want to. I’d be brokenhearted. I don’t feel obsessive over you. If I did I’d be knocking on your door, demanding my love for you like some crazy Shakespeare play. The reason I think it is love and not addiction is I COULD walk away. I could let you go because I love you THAT much. However, I am terrified to face that sadness and that final goodbye. Finding you on the same day, at the same time, on the same website, in the same state, minutes apart, feeling the same way in our marriages and clicking the way we did is not a coincidence. The famous art of learning to love something you can’t have.
I’ll never forget that one time a long time ago, you made a comment that you were getting to a place with me that you didn’t like thinking about S and I doing things. We only talked about this once or twice but I understood your feelings. I wouldn’t call it jealousy, I just didn’t want to share you. I loved that I was able to be with you in ‘that way’. Never back then did I think there would be a time where I couldn’t be with you at all. Where it wouldn’t be easy. Where you wouldn’t have a limo run at least once a week. Where I couldn’t comment on your Facebook anymore. I miss your Facebook posts for sure! I loved seeing your political posts, KNOWING I’d hear about them in person too. I just have all these perfect memories with you. And they are all amazing. They will never erase from my memory. Silly ones like you sitting on your couch when we were moving you in because you were tired and I grabbed the sink hose and threatened to spray you. You said it wouldn’t reach you and after aiming for the sink we saw the spray power was massive. I COULD HAVE drown you like a rat. The fear in your eyes at that moment that I was going to was priceless. You sitting across from me at our house on the back deck, you dishing up dinner brushing against me ‘accidentally’ . You rubbing your nose over and over while I was at your house, (that being sign that you were thinking of me). I have that picture of your butt with a plastic fork in your back pocket on my phone. The one that you were at the baseball game and you put your butt towards me and said “FORK ME”. I found it hysterical but D and S not so much LOL. That day was crazy. S and D were bored, (S hates baseball) and I just don’t think D was having a good time but maybe I was wrong. I was having a blast. The kids were happy, you were there, you were dancing.. (that made my day) and I was watching baseball! And then to end it by playing catch with you was so much fun. I’m so upset with myself for letting our families get so close. I selfishly wanted to see more of you. I never thought I’d end up loving your kids, (well I love all kids but I mean genuinely care about them). In the beginning, I thought there was no way I’d end up ‘really liking D’ because of all the ways she was hurting you. I didn’t hate her, I just didn’t know her. And low and behold we hit it off. She was funny, she was a great friend, she is a superb mom, yet I could see what you were talking about in the areas that you weren’t feeling like a husband. That you felt forgotten. I saw you do a lot of the work, heard her put you down, and heard my daughter, when she came home say ‘mom they never hug or touch or sit together, it is so weird’. I didn’t know if it was because she was there or, (if like you said), there was just very little affection. I guess where this letter is going it, I am so glad I met you. I would miss you if you were gone. I was so moved by the kind things you said about me the time before last that we spoke. Its nice to know someone sees your qualities and your good character, even if it is wrapped up in these character destroying acts like having an affair. Underneath my choice and my actions, I am human, kind, caring and genuinely a good person. I know you are too. I don’t ever wish for S or D to go away… that would be heartless and it has never been a wish of mine. I do however, wish that I could love you and be with you without anyone ever getting hurt. And thats just it, I’d rather hurt than hurt anyone else.
It was so nice to talk to you, I’ve missed your voice. You were the last thing I thought about last night and the first thing that came to mind this morning. I hope you have a wonderful day.