Let down again, maybe for the last time.

My husband and I have been doing pretty good.  Great conversation, he’s been helping a lot… things have been going well.   Last night we were intimate.   He couldn’t finish.  He said it was because he was so tired.  We laid down and were starting to fall asleep and I couldn’t get it out of my head that all the times before when he couldn’t finish he was on pills.   It was eating at me.  I bought a safe that I had been keeping my pills in but when I had gone to the mountains I put them in a lock box and hid the key in the bag for my headphones.   He somehow got into the lock box.  Not sure if he pushed the pin out of the hinges or if he found the key.  I’m hosed when I go out of town, he knows I need my meds I guess.    I’m so sorry to bore you with the fact that he has stolen from me again, and that I had started to forgive him and trust him again.   Thing is I always said I wouldn’t be one of those dumb women who again and again forgive men for the same senseless acts.   I just really had hoped things would be different because of what my daughter wanted for Christmas.  My savings is gone, I used it to put him through therapy twice.  I was under the impression he was taking his script that made him not feel his high… now I’m wondering if I watched him swallow some other pill assuming it was his script.   Fuck my life.   I’m so sorry all my posts are the same, trust me its getting old to me too.  I think each time it hurts more, but the shock is a little less. 


34 thoughts on “Let down again, maybe for the last time.

  1. Hun I think its time for a hard truth. Your husband doesn’t want to get better. He hasn’t gotten to that point yet, but he isn’t the only one with the problem righr now. I saw my mother go through the same thing and I learned a lot from it. Right now you have an addiction too, codependence. Call it what you will be your need to help fix him, to take care of him is becomong an addiction. In the 12 step culture they talk a lot about insanity and they say its repeatung the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That’s what this has become, not to mention meaning to or not you are enabling him.

    I hope me telling you this doesn’t make you angry with me, I am just trying to pass on some of what I learned with dealing with 2 meth addict parents. At this point its up to you what you do next but I recommend therapy for yourself and your kids, maybe alanon cause you cam’t do this alone.

    • I am sorry, and though I appreciate your comment, I disagree. I am many things, however codependent is not one of them. I am not in denial, I just hoped that he would wake up and be the father his kids deserved, like the father I had, and want above all other things to be the man I married. Anyone who knows me would tell you I am the furthest from codependent. In fact my family, parents included probably wish I was a little codependent, maybe then I wouldn’t be such a bitch.

      • Everyone is codependent on some level, otherwise relationships wouldn’t work. The think is in a good relationship you should get as much as you give. You are giving your all but he isn’t and that isn’t your fault.

        You may call it something besides codependence but what I am talking about is your need to cure, to help. The same trait that makes you a good mother and I am guessing you had it in spades long before you gave birth. The problem is your husband isn’t a child, he is an addict, his brain thinks that if you forgive him or try to help him that on some level his actions are okay.

        I think the drugs killed the man you married, which isn’t to say he can’t get clean but that man is gone. One day a new man may rise out of the ashes, one you can respect and admire but the addict, the man he is now has to go. You may see glimpses of who he was, but they are fleeting the addiction is too powerful…believe me I know I suffer from my own addiction though isn’t a substance but an act. It’s been almost 2 years since the last time I gave in….its been hell and I still crave my addiction but therapy has helped. Sadly there is no 12 step program out there for me.

        You aren’t a bitch. You are strong and couragous. A good mother and as good a wife as he will let you be but unfortunately drugs are his other woman and he is still in the fog and not ready to give them up.

  2. Your posts are not boring! Don’t stop writing because you think we don’t want to hear it, we are here to listen! And it helps writting it out, trust me. It also helps you when you read back, it helps you stay strong in whatever decision you make. So keep writing, I promise I read it!

  3. Wow. I’m really sorry to hear this. Don’t apologize to anyone for your posts. You were very intuitive to wonder about that, b/c it is true. I’m not sure what med he is on, but I wonder if he even gets the “high” that he is after….or if it doesn’t even work, when he takes your pills? Not that it really matters. I only ask b/c you know that I am on Suboxone, and since I’ve been on it, while there were a few occasions, when I had a craving, I’ve never taken a narcotic again. Mostly out of fear of having a bad reaction, but also, b/c I am under the impression that I wouldn’t feel anything anyway, so why go there? I’m just sorry that he isn’t having as much luck with his medication as others do.

    The fact that he continues to do this, repeatedly, causes me to question how badly he REALLY wants to be clean. Obviously it probably causes you to wonder the same thing, but while I really did love the high and the energy from the pills I took, I never want to go back to that. Ever. I have less energy and it has taken me months to reacquire any zest for living or doing “normal” activities that bring “normal” people joy. But I am feeling things again and it has been worth it. It’s just that HE has to WANT to be clean….and I guess I don’t understand why…with all of the chances and rehabs etc….why is he not there yet? With all he stands to lose?

    It also makes me believe that he is relying on a magic pill to just “cure” him. It sounds like he might need intensive in-patient rehab. Maybe up to 90 days. I think you said he goes to therapy, but he really needs to be in therapy at least weekly, WITH a specialist, not just the prescriber of the med. He should probably also be working a 12 steps program. I do not do that either, but I have heard that you really have to work SOME KIND of program to stay clean and it sounds as if your husband needs that.

    Please do not think I am trying to armchair quarterback him or his situation. We are all different. My main concern is you. While I have not experienced YOUR exact situation, I have had the same feelings of repeated letdown, with the emotional abuse from my husband. Always promising to change, starting therapy, but never sticking with it, “trying” to be nice….but not truly doing the work. And eventually he does it again. My life has been this way for nearly 11 years now and I no longer believe that he can change. I do not believe that he wants to do the work necessary to save our marriage or our family and I no longer have any faith in him. While I remain married, for now, it is just too late for us. I believe that my husband is ONLY going to see what he needed to do, when he loses it all. I’m not sure if his pride will allow him to beg for a final chance, but I do believe that he will be sad and shocked, even though I have told him repeatedly that I am done, when I file the papers. He is one who has to lose it all….and that is very sad to me, still.

    It seems, as if your husband is the same type. Which is also sad. Hearbreaking, really. Thinking of you…..

  4. There’s no fault in being an optimist and wanting to believe the best in people. The fact that it’s beginning to sting less and less just means you’re getting stronger in your convictions. You will need that. Hang in there. Trust yourself. And don’t apologize for what you write. If people didn’t care, they wouldn’t read it 😉

  5. I just came across your blog today. I am so sorry for what you are going through, but it seems that you have given him many chances, and he still lets you down. Picture your life 5 years from now if you stay with your husband. Now, picture your life 5 years from now if you leave him. Which seems better for you and for your kids? I wish you the absolute best.

    • either way I feel bad. Either way my husband will loose. I truly feel he will die if I don’t tolerate it. At least with me standing over him I can somewhat control it. If he’s not beneath me, who will be up his ass, (sorry for the term) to make sure he doesn’t OD?

      • I know you don’t think you’re codependent, bit that right there is a textbook codependent statement. You cannot control him. Watching Jim take his meds every day won’t fix.Jim or cure him or control Jim. He will ALWAYS find a way to do what he wants.to do no matter what obstacle you they to put in front of him. No one can be responsible for him not ODing except HIMSELF.

      • My Dad is a recovering addict. After 6 years of dealing with his addiction, my Mom finally moved out. He said he would clean up his act and start going to meetings to get her back. She said she would come back after he was clean and sober for 1 month. When he got his 1 month chip, she came back. That was May of 1999 and he has been clean and sober ever since. I wish you the best.

  6. Tough choice – to stay or to go. Have you asked him? Have you asked yourself when will enough be enough? What will be the final straw? I have never been in a situation as tough as yours – it’s easy to tell you what I would do, but in reality I know that until you experience something you cannot know how you would react. So – whatever you do, good luck to you.

    • Thank you. To stay or go? I’ve never left. I hope everyone sees that in the end. That I never went anywhere… he left… he found this addiction. He ruined us. He pushed me into choices I made. He made my savings (14 thousand dollars) disappear trying to ‘save’ him, ‘save’ us. I don’t know what the final straw is. Every time I think it is this time, I find effort somewhere inside of me to try again. Don’t ask me how. I don’t know where it comes from.

  7. Dont give up on him. Dont give up hope because he is sick. You patiences is amazing and although he cant show you how grateful he is right now, I know he wants to. I know in the the end that it is our choice as addicts to stop numbing ourselves. We have to finally be sick and tired of being sick and tired. Everyone is different and there bottom is different. But if I can say anything to you to help, i know how selfish it is for an addict to choose a drug over you and your own child. what makes it worse is, he knows for a quick glimpse just how selfish he is being which makes him only go deeper into his addiction to hide and not deal with the pain he is causing. Everytime I relapse it has been a huge set back for my husband to trust me again, but I thank god he is still supporting me and loving me. I dont have anymore strikes left though. I think the one stupid thing we do as addicts is we think that since we have gotten away with so much for so long of time that we test the waters to the limit in our addiction and there comes a time when enough is enough. We have to learn the hard way. I always write that I took the easy way out to deal with my feelings , but it really is the hardest way in the long run.
    I hope he can find his strength to be able to see what he has left. I know the one thing i needed the most when i was at my worst was to hear my husband encourage me with love instead of anger and the hate in his eyes. Which is asking alot considering the situation i put us in. I just wanted to to know he believed in me and my recovery.
    Drugs blind you of everything you once knew. Im so sorry you have to go through this.

  8. i feel like i want to shake you out of your depression. your responsibility, in descending order of importance, is to yourself first, your kids second, then your husband (i wanted to say God first but it makes me sound preachy…and i’m not), your family, your friends, your job.
    you are as lost as he is, trying to heal someone who is not looking for it, who is unable to help themselves as they can not admit where they are at and can;t see what they have lost. Your leaving him, your protecting your children, have nothing to do with giving up hope.you can help him better with distance between you, so you can help yourself first. you may not see it, because you are in it…you are drowning. you are coming up to the surface, less and less and the time on the surface is farther apart. my fear is by the time you realize the precarious position you are in, that it will be too late to save yourself. please reevaluate things…i’m worried about you.

    • Thank you for worrying. I am better today I was just really down and hurt yesterday.. Today I feel quite upset and angry… its just this circle I go though. I’m trying very hard to focus on me, I’m going back to school and that should help… thank you for being here for me.

  9. I commented a long time ago saying I had been married to an alcoholic, I myself had been addicted to prescription drugs and i don’t know if I told you my brother became a heroin addict in his late thirties. A pillar of the community, family man, successful business oowner of a million $ company, Mr GQ, confessed to the family he was mainlining heroin. My mother immediately got him into the best rehab in Canada, money was no object. He was kicked out and left several rehab before he stayed and completely the program. He graduated, afraid that any pressure would send him back into the drugs my parents supplied him with every thing, rented the house next door to them, gave him a vehicle to drive, bought his food; smokes, whatever he needed. $30,000 just on the rehab. His wife stuck by him and on his birthday 4 days after he graduated from his program we all celebrated his birthday at my folks.
    His wife went home after the weekend (they were separated because he had also screwed around on her but she was willing to try and had brought their son up and they stayed the night together.
    The next day 10 am my folks realize my brother hasn’t let his dog out yet and the curtains are still closed. My step dad good to check on my brother and finds him naked, blue; with a needle sticking out of his arm.

    911 was called and miraculously he lived with no side effects from the drugs. They put him back in rehab and this time he ran away by climbing the fence and went straight to his dealer who refused to sell him any drugs. He said he could stay the night and if he still wanted them in the morning he would sell them to him but my brother didn’t buy any in the morning. Instead he called his best buddy and asked if he could stay with him. It took several years for him to get clean, he lost his business, his wife and quite a few friends. He
    is a good man and he had many friends that stood by him, and me because my mom washed her hands of him.
    My point being, I remember being on my

    knees in my living room talking to him on the phone begging him to just call and if he had nothing to say; just breath so I knew he was alive. All the money for expensive rehab, the pleading, the pampering, making sure he wasn’t stressed,; everyone bobbing around “keeping him clean” did no good. He quit on his own and is a good father and once again the pillar of the community. He’s not with the same woman. You can not do this for him. You are talking like it is your sole responsibility to keep this man from killing himself. Sorry that is dependent

    • Sorry doing this on my phone. I was going to say that ar this point I would venture a guess that you are doing him more harm than good. He needs to do this on his own, you babysitting him, locking up your meds, scolding him etc is telling him you don’t believe he can do it. He is acting like a child and you his mother. I can’t see how either one of you could possibly think it is going to work this way. I am sorry, I am not trying to be cruel, I have been there. I have been through worse and sometimes you just have to know when to walk away for yourself, your kids and for him. Because what you are doing isn’t working and you are stuck repeAting history.
      Good luck
      and once again sorry if I have offended you

  10. I just read your whole blog…wow, can I relate, difference being I’m still in the affair and the drug addict is my best friend. I’ve learned over the years with her there’s nothing i can do until she’s ready she’s will continue to use, pain pills are her chosen drug also. I have to lock up my very much needed meds for years. Sadly I see alot of the same addiction in myself with the affair. Anyway I’ll me lurking I’m attempting a blog but I haven’t figured out graphics and such not quite sure what it looks like to anyone.

    • Thanks for reading! Can’t wait to read your stuff! When you are doing a post you can add an image and then click on preview to see how it looks… it will show you it the way we would see it! Hope that helps! Good luck, I’d love to follow it.

  11. Thanks, I’m trying I hope it looks good and reads right, can’t say I’ve ever done this before! I’m glued to your story for many reasons, I’m still dealing with my friend the drug addict also, I’ve let go to an extent but not completely.

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