I love the emails I’ve been getting from all of you.

I’ve been getting emails from readers… and I don’t care if you comment here or email me but please know I love talking to you all!  Some people want so badly to share their story or their situation but don’t want it on the internet and I get that.  I respect that.  I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to talk with me.  I blog because first and foremost I love conversation and writing.  I love interacting with people!  Especially the ones that have taken the time to read my story and really know the type of person I am and the character I hold.  They have the ability to see past the “OMG SHE FUCKED SOMEONE WHEN SHE WAS MARRIED” and are able to see the story.  The people who are able to not judge me and TRY to understand knowing they are not perfect either.   I love all of you and regardless if you talk to me here, or on my email, thank you for your comments, opinions and advice.  I truly appreciate you very much! xoxox

His response

i will never stop loving you.  i consider our relationship up to this point to be the beginning chapters to a very long love story.  the things i’ve said to you were with the utmost sincerity.  the feelings i have for you now are stronger than ever.  the fact that i see what we could have if we were together is tortuous to me because of what we both have to endure in our lives now.  i can tell you right now when all of this is over, (our relationships come to a close and we are both so close),  i’m going to show up on your doorstep and take you away forever-to be mine.  i love you so much and appreciate your honesty, your openness and your sincerity.  not to mention you are smoking hot!  🙂

 

an old’er’ email to him…

“and in the end i’m just going to be an unhappy old man”  this breaks my heart.   

The things we will sacrifice for our kids. 
 
You are this amazing, strong, providing man, and I am in love with you.   I am in love totally with something I can’t have.  There are times its easy because reality is reality and then there are times that it is devastating because I know this one perfect thing that would make me so happy I will never have.  At least not the way I want to have him.    And then there is this odd side.  The side of wanting you to be happy regardless of where that leaves me in the picture.  I think thats how I knew I loved you.  It was never about me or my feelings or how I FELT or what I got…  it was about someone meaning more to me than what I got out of something.   I have never felt that for anyone.  Not wanting or expecting anything in return.  I love my kids like that for sure but not another person.  And I can not put my finger on what sparked it.  I can’t point what started it.  It just was there.   Right or wrong I have feelings.  Right or wrong I have fallen for you and I can’t stop loving you.  I don’t want to stop I just feel like this amazing person who I love so much I can feel, and talk to, and admire and long for but I can’t see or touch.  Its torture almost.  Hearing your voice on that first trip of yours was amazing.  I can’t tell you what it did to me.  I could close my eyes and feel you there.  Things I had started to forget were pressing hard in my memory as if they had never left.  I could see your smile as we talked.  I could picture your expressions as you told me stories about your kids and life.   I could imagine your body language when you told me about your fights with D that had my name wrapped in them.   And my breaking point was when all your complements came to me on my character.  The ‘me’ you see.  The ‘me’ you know.  Regardless of what J says about me, or what I feared you thought of me.  Your words seriously brought me to tears.  You have been so good and so kind and so loving to me.  I love you so much.  You are such a good man.  I don’t say either of those thing lightly.  I mean every word of both those statements.  I always mean what I say to you. 
******
So now that we are standing where we are… on the outside of each of our boxes what do we do?
waiting for his response. 

Oh there are always two sides to this nightmare.

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One of my good friends came into my house this morning with his son.  My husband and I have been REALLY good friends with him and his wife for years.  He apologized to me for just dropping in but he needed a favor.  My son, (my youngest), is their son’s best friend.  Our boys do everything together.  We often take each others kiddos just to do play days and hang out.  I said to him sure whats up, what can I help with.  At this moment when he looked up I was mortified.  He clearly had been crying, his eyes were swollen and red.  I sat my coffee down and the words, “Oh my God Mike are you alright?”  came out of my mouth.  He sat down on my couch and I told his son that my son was downstairs in the playroom and he quickly ran with excitement in that direction.  Just at that moment Mike put his face in his hands and started sobbing.  I jumped up grabbed tissue and handed it to him and sat back down to hear words that sent me in disbelief.   “She’s leaving me, she has started to pack her things and move them into another mans house.”  All that could come out of my mouth was “WHAT?”  He continued, “Yes.  She said she’s been checked out of our marriage for a year so finding someone else didn’t seem wrong. She said this man makes her happy, and makes her realize there is something more for her in life.”  He looked up at me and clearly the horror was all over my face.  I felt like I was going to throw up.  This was that ‘perfect’ couple.  A huge home, (that they JUST bought months ago), he JUST bought her a brand new Cadillac escalade three weeks ago.  I just didn’t see it coming.  He said, “she wants to live with him, and I understand marriages end but I don’t get one thing.”  He said he found out that this guy is a sex offender.  He said he told her she could have half of everything, but his kids will not be around this guy and she understood.   He at this point is sobbing like I have never seen a man do.  She is willing to not only give up her husband, but her kids. Just.  Like. That.

Now.  I understand marriages failing,  (I do).   I understand affairs and how they can ‘just happen’, (I do).  I understand falling out of love with someone, even if they are perfect in everyones eyes, like Mike.  Business man, works hard for a beautiful home, nice cars, sends her to the spa twice a month, they go on a “MAJOR” vacation twice a year, they foster a child to give ‘some child out there’ a better home.  I understand that ‘things’ don’t make a marriage or people happy, but this man tries.  His favor he needed was to know if I could watch his son today, (I work from home) and I obviously said yes.  He said I can’t even think. I can’t stop crying and I don’t want him to see me this way.  He said his daughter was at school all day.  I said I would, I said I’d pick up his daughter too that he could pick them both up after dinner.  I hugged him and he seriously was trembling.  My heart is so broken for him.  He walked to his car head down and I watched him wipe his eyes at least four times before driving off.

FUCKING BITCH.

So being fair I called her.   All I said is, “WHAT IS GOING ON?”  At first she played dumb like I knew nothing.  Then she realized Mike had been here.  She said to me that she didn’t know.  She met a man TWO WEEKS AGO and she is happier than she has ever been.  Life is simple.  Life with him is fun.  He lives in an appartment in not a very good area.  I asked about him being a sex offender and she got VERY quiet.  I said to her, I am speaking to you as a friend here, you better be VERY careful.  I said you know what my job is and if I know, or find out he has been around your kids I am REQUIRED by LAW to report it.  I have no choice.   I continued to say I understand more than anyone falling out of love.  I understand more than anyone loving someone you probably shouldn’t.  I don’t however, and will NEVER understand you telling your husband you would willingly give up your kids because of him being a sex offender.   I can’t be friends with someone like that.  I can’t.  Your kids are first.  How can you foster a child (which happend to just be placed back at home) so that you can provide them a good home and then take that good home/sitaution from your very own children?  I said I do not know what you are thinking and the sex can’t be good enough to give up your children.  This fling is going to pass over  and you are going to feel like an ass and have no ground to stand on.  You are going to lose all kinds of family and friends and you will have a sex offender/fuck buddy.  Your husband is DEVISTATED.  You are very close to ruining the lives of your children.  You are looking pretty fucking selfish to me.  TWO WEEKS?!?!  TWO WEEKS?  I felt like a peice of shit for having an affair with a man I met and talked to for six months, after my husband had been gone and in and out of jail for TWO YEARS.  So trust me I’m not judging you on what you are doing.  I’m judging you on the kind of mom you are very close to being.  She yelled at me saying this man is not a sex offender because he raped some two year old.  I looked at my phone like I was hearing her wrong.  She informed me he is 33 now, and when he was 31 got a 15 year old pregnant and has a two year old daughter with her.   Beautiful.  Fucking Beautiful.  You are a stupid, stupid bitch.  I don’t understand your priorities.  YOUR CHILDREN COME FIRST, and their safety.

I hung up… I am so angry.  KIDS MATTER MOST.  ALWAYS.  A SEX OFFENDER?  REALLY? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!  My poor friend Mike.

Until I met you.

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I walked alone down a path someone should have been at my side.

I tried hard not to complain but I was so lonely and broken.

I had planned to be faithful and only love one man.

Until I met you.

I felt like a single parent, sharing the joys of my kids alone.

Their activities, games, and school events I attended alone.

I’d cheer them on, praise them often, always alone,

Until I met you.

I had no one to talk to, no one to share with,

No one to tell me I was beautiful or encourage my dreams,

I had no one to listen to and encourage either,

Until I met you.

I had no hands upon me in a loving way,

No kisses along the side of my neck.

No exploring my body as if I were a map,

Until I met you.

I had never truly laughed that hard, to the point of tears.

I had never for a man had concern of his well being,

I had never worried and wondered what anyone did away from me,

Until I met you.

I never noticed the beauty of nature, the stars and the moon,

I never noticed the birds speaking of their happiness.

I never noticed the rain or fog or snow as being romantic

Until I met you.

I never got excited to share my thoughts, opinions and interests with anyone,

I never got so into politics or debates with respect on both sides.

I never felt held and interested in a conversation,

Until I met you.

I never wanted to see anyone so badly,

or dread anyone leaving so much,

or realize how fast time flew when I was with someone,

Until I met you.

I never knew that holding the hand of a lover could send my heart racing,

I never knew that all your senses could be overstimulated when with someone you love,

I never knew that knees really can go weak on a passionate kiss,

Until I met you.

I never knew what love felt like.

I never knew what love was.

I never thought love was a ‘big’ deal,

Until I met you.

Clearly I didn’t know anything,

Until I met you.