an old’er’ email to him…

“and in the end i’m just going to be an unhappy old man”  this breaks my heart.   

The things we will sacrifice for our kids. 
 
You are this amazing, strong, providing man, and I am in love with you.   I am in love totally with something I can’t have.  There are times its easy because reality is reality and then there are times that it is devastating because I know this one perfect thing that would make me so happy I will never have.  At least not the way I want to have him.    And then there is this odd side.  The side of wanting you to be happy regardless of where that leaves me in the picture.  I think thats how I knew I loved you.  It was never about me or my feelings or how I FELT or what I got…  it was about someone meaning more to me than what I got out of something.   I have never felt that for anyone.  Not wanting or expecting anything in return.  I love my kids like that for sure but not another person.  And I can not put my finger on what sparked it.  I can’t point what started it.  It just was there.   Right or wrong I have feelings.  Right or wrong I have fallen for you and I can’t stop loving you.  I don’t want to stop I just feel like this amazing person who I love so much I can feel, and talk to, and admire and long for but I can’t see or touch.  Its torture almost.  Hearing your voice on that first trip of yours was amazing.  I can’t tell you what it did to me.  I could close my eyes and feel you there.  Things I had started to forget were pressing hard in my memory as if they had never left.  I could see your smile as we talked.  I could picture your expressions as you told me stories about your kids and life.   I could imagine your body language when you told me about your fights with D that had my name wrapped in them.   And my breaking point was when all your complements came to me on my character.  The ‘me’ you see.  The ‘me’ you know.  Regardless of what J says about me, or what I feared you thought of me.  Your words seriously brought me to tears.  You have been so good and so kind and so loving to me.  I love you so much.  You are such a good man.  I don’t say either of those thing lightly.  I mean every word of both those statements.  I always mean what I say to you. 
******
So now that we are standing where we are… on the outside of each of our boxes what do we do?
waiting for his response. 
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3 thoughts on “an old’er’ email to him…

  1. Yeah, I totally get all of this. The “boxes” symbolism really speaks to me as that is exactly what she and I wanted each other to break out of. Now, I fear that one day, she will pull out her box and climb back inside in order to bring peace to him and that household…

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