Help me! I’m suffocating!

We all have a moment that we lose respect for our partners because they seem to have lost respect, compassion and time for us. This story is sad, yet common. I think a lot of people find out that their partners aren’t really there for them unconditionally when they hit bottom. They’re not very helpful either. They are great however, at telling us what we NEED to do and how we NEED to feel and what NEEDS to happen. And at that moment all respect is lost. Without respect, distance and regret walk in and communication and love walk out. The bottom of the barrel is where all the shit is. Sadly we often find ourselves at the bottom of that barrel and most couples don’t clean up and swim together, the one lets the other almost drown from standing on them while barking orders.


I love this post because I can relate. I know these feelings, these emotions.

Dour Reflections



My previous post sent me into a free-fall of depression; typically, when I’m badly depressed, I try to work it out by writing, soooo…

I love words.

Words have power. Words have elegance. Words can encompass anger, hatred, love, desire, despair, pain and jubilation. Magical spells, prayers, pleas, expressions of love … all done in words. We cannot read each other’s minds. We cannot read each other’s body-language (not accurately, anyway). We can’t observe the most subtle signs.

But we can talk. We can listen. We can shout, and scream, and rant, and rave …

We can whisper “I love you” into the silence between two bodies and pray that it is whispered back.

And yet, for all their power and subtlety, words can’t do everything … it is why there are artists and musicians and actors and composers, in addition to poets and writers.

I’m lonely. I’ve been…

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Passing a Park and flooded with memories…

WARNING!  I’m on cold medicine and feel like shit and I am not proofreading this so I hope it sounds right, makes sense and doesn’t have too many spelling errors….

I have done very little today.  I’ve started to enjoy weekends of no plans.  I know that is very close to being unrealistic being that three of my kids are going to have sports starting up again being that spring is just two weeks away.  Yesterday we had a huge snow storm here.. we didn’t go anywhere.  Today I started to feel sick, sore throat and my ear hurting.  I thought maybe if I got up, showered, got dressed and did my hair and makeup I’d feel better.  I NEVER stay in PJ’s all day and I did yesterday.   With the snow and not being able to go anywhere I did just that.  Nothing.  So today I tried regardless of not feeling well.  As I was getting ready I realized just how bad I feel.  I have been sick more this year than I think I have been in the last five years.  Not horrible sick, (although the flu in January was BAD), just not a 100%.  So I thought okay we will go to lunch and maybe some food and some sunshine will help me bounce back.  At lunch I felt so bad that I was just a bitch.  The cheeseburgers we ordered came to our table without cheese, the fries were cold and I just wanted to be home and in bed.  I told the waitress about the cheese and she made it right but I was just done at that point.  I wanted to be home and in bed.  My daughter asked me twice if I was okay, other than being sick.  I promised her that is all it was. And at that point it was.   As we left there was an accident so I turned up a street that we normally wouldn’t drive up.  I pass a park that instantly made me think of him.   The second time I saw him he had said he was going to this park with his family and his wife needed to talk to a friend while there and it was girly drama so he would just be swinging his daughters on swings because that is all they ever wanted to do at a park.  Well this day I only had one of my kiddos, (my son who was at the time two so I told HIM I’d come to the park.   At this point I’d never met or seen his wife.   I get to the park and my son is SOOOO excited to swing. I instantly see him standing at the swings pushing his girls.  I see him smiling at their giggles before he even saw me.  He was so good looking.  And a man being a dad is attractive all by itself anyway. I walk up and put my son in the first baby swing right next to his daughters, (who are little) and I smile at him. He smiles back.   I then start to make unsuspecting small talk with him as if we were strangers.  His youngest two were small enough that it probably wouldn’t have mattered if we talked about something that we shouldn’t have been talking about but his older two could have walked up at any moment and we were being careful.  This was bold anyway.   My son starts to giggle and laugh and asking me to push him higher.   My son brings me to smiles and laughter myself.  I love being a mom.  I kept trying to look over to where his older kids kept running to talk to their mom and I couldn’t see her.  I wanted to know what she looked like, what she was doing.  He had told me she didn’t help much and he often felt like he was doing ‘all the work’ alone. (Later I learned this to be true after our families became close, he was NOT stretching the truth, not even a little bit!)  I couldn’t see her, and I didn’t want to seem like I was staring. Later the next day when we were chatting he said he was so attracted to the kind of mom I was.  He said his wife was a great mom but she was more like the fun one.  All into the playdates and birthday parties and doing hair and playing dress up but when it came to the ‘other no fun’ parts of being a parent she was checked out.  In the two years we were friends with them I never ONCE saw her change their diapers- but I’d hear her inform him that they were shitty and that he should do his fatherly job of changing them.   I never once heard her be the disciplinarian.  She was the fun mom for sure.   I admired her creativity and ability to let them have fun even if it made a mess- I struggle in that area but as soon as it was homework time, bathing time, dinner time, timeout time, she did NONE of it.  As I am standing at the swing pushing my son having a conversation with a stranger ;0) his older daughter says mom wants you real quick.  He rolls his eyes at me and tells his little girls he will be right back.  He walks over to the tree where she was and I see them talking but he is blocking my view of seeing her.  I’m thankful for my big coach sunglasses that hide the fact that I am looking.  Just then my sons swing SMACKS one of his little girls and she goes flying screaming.   I run behind the swing and pick her up.  She had gone to run to her parents and ran right behind my sons swing and hit hit her and it hit her hard.   I help her up and he is running to me to get her.  I didn’t need to explain what happened it was so obvious.  Poor thing her cheek was bright red and she was still screaming.  She had been scooped up by his amazing arms and she had started to calm down.   She was beautiful. She said hi to my son and my son didn’t say anything back.  She said why wont he talk to me?  I explained that he couldn’t talk and he was getting help learning to talk.  He looked at me with a sad expression.  He clearly saw the hurt and worry in my eyes because it was a subject we had talked about in the six months earlier several times.  We had done speech therapy and at that time my son wasn’t making progress and they started to think he was autistic.  Just then you heard HIS name being screamed at from the park…. His wife was ready to leave.

Its funny how just driving by that park today brought that whole story, that whole day back to the front of my memory.  Crazy.

I got home, put my PJ’s back on and have been in bed all day.  I hope I feel better tomorrow because I can barely do my job when I feel great, (its tough work) let alone when I feel like shit.  I hope you all have had a wonderful weekend!