The emotions I felt when having an affair.

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He made me feel like I could go anywhere, be anyone and love every second of the journey.

(typing fast if there are errors, I apologize)

There were SOOO many feelings, so many emotions, so many at one time that you thought your anxiety was going to burst causing your excitement to overflow and only be put out by your fear that was covered by insanity.  That sounds like a lot right?  It doesn’t even come close.

I felt excited.  Somebody loved me.  Somebody wanted to see me.  Somebody wanted to hear what I had to say.

I felt scared.  I mean this was an affair.  He had a wife. I was born and raised here, everyone knew me.  I own and run a business and all those people know me.

I felt realistic.  If I got caught I got caught.  I was human.  My husband left me.  My husband got addicted to pain pills.  The man I had an affair with obviously was a grown man and could make his own decisions, i didn’t put a gun to his head telling him to have an affair with me.  So if we were seen then we were seen that is where we were in our life.  But we didn’t want to be seen.  I didn’t want my husband to kill himself and as much as he hated the way his wife treated him, he didn’t want to hurt his kids.  So we were very careful.

I felt anxious.  My nerves were shot.  I’d not dated for a LONG time.  What was I doing?  My thoughts were spinning.  I was talking in my head out loud to myself. My down to earth responsible side  trying to over-speak my will to want more, my will to be happy, my will to be loved.  All at the same time.

I felt guilty.  I felt so bad for feeling so good.  I’d feel horrible for the two hours or so I’d have with HIM feeling amazing.  He made me smile and laugh and talk and listen and encourage me.   I lost weight, I went to the gym, I felt GOOD!  And I felt bad for feeling that way.

I felt nervous.  I was so afraid that I was going to lose him or his wife would find out or my sister in law would see me or whatever.  My mom would be so disappointed.  She believed my husband would get better if we all loved him and stood by him.  She would be so hurt to know I’d given up on my husband.  And hurting her would kill me.  I was worried for my kids  nervous that they’d see my happiness and think that it was because daddy was gone.  That wasn’t it at all.  It was that for the first time in a very long time I felt needed, wanted, loved and adored.

I felt torn.  Torn between whats right and what made me happy.   I felt torn between responsibility and desire.  I felt torn between being a good friend, (to his wife) and a lover to him.

I felt like a piece of shit.  I started my friendship in the beginning (I won’t lie) to be closer to him.  To get to see him more.  If we (her and I) hung out, I’d see him.  Even if it was just as ‘her friend’.   Thing is in REAL life, (not that this isn’t real) but in a real situation I am a really good friend.  I started to really like her.  She was a great friend to me and a good mom.  She was a horrible wife, (and I’m not saying that because of him) I’m saying that because I saw it, heard it and witnessed it myself.  But his actions, my actions, our actions really hurt her.  I was a horrible friend to her.

I felt happy.  I was so happy.  I was on cloud nine.  He was my first and last thought every day.  He’d send me a message saying good morning and tell me good night.  He’d think of the most creative romantic things to say to me and do for me.  He came over on his lunch hour. He complemented my outfits, my hair, my opinions.  He held my attention, made me laugh.  Made everything around me disappear.  And never made it look like any effort.  He said he was happy.  He said  he hadn’t been happy in a long time.  He made me feel so important to him.

I felt confident.  Because he never hurt me or put me down.

I felt beautiful. Because I was told that I was.

I felt desired.  Because I could arouse him with only a kiss or even better a look.

I felt needed. By someone other than my children.

I felt every emotion you could possibly feel all at the same time.

I felt like my best friend in life died suddenly without any warning at all when it was all over.   When his wife found out.   When his wife posted on my facebook that I was a whore who’d been with her husband for all 300 of my friends and family to see.   I felt like you’d cut off my body and left my head to think about what I’d done.   Suddenly OUR actions felt like mine.  That lead to several months of being severely depressed.  Ashamed. Lonely.  Yet having to act like nothing had happened because no one knew.   I’d caught and deleted her facebook message before anyone had seen it.  The only person she got to before I could block her was my son.  My 15 year old (at the time son).  My son with my first husband.  And his response was so grown up.  I blocked her and he said, “Mom, its okay.  He made you happy, he was a really cool guy.  I really liked his family.  If you guys didn’t do anything its fine but if you did its ____________’s (my sons step dads) and ____________’s (my affair partners wife’s) fault for not loving both of you the right way.    What a grown up LOGICAL response from a teenager.  But that is how my son has always been.  Wise and mature beyond his years.

I felt proud.  That I had raised a good kid to see situations the way they were and to know both sides before you decided on your feelings.

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Why, hello there!

I hope you are all doing well, I miss you all.  My life is insane.  Spring always is for me because all my (many) kids play sports.  Every night and every weekend are games and practices and I’m exhausted.  I don’t want you all thinking I fell of the planet lol!   Things are no different.  I talk to HIM by email, missing hugely what we had, and my husband is doing awesome and staying clean.  I’m torn, (like always).  I choose my husband and he falls because he thinks all is good again, or I choose HIM and I have to deal with the consequences of that.  Which trust there are plenty… I’m just taking it day by day.  Life is so unfair sometimes.  I’m just at a place where I’m enjoying talking to him and enjoying the fact that my husband is staying clean on his own, I had sooo much fear for so long that he would wind up in a ditch.  So I guess life is good right now.  I just took a huge step back and made my main focus my children.