The emotions I felt when having an affair.

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He made me feel like I could go anywhere, be anyone and love every second of the journey.

(typing fast if there are errors, I apologize)

There were SOOO many feelings, so many emotions, so many at one time that you thought your anxiety was going to burst causing your excitement to overflow and only be put out by your fear that was covered by insanity.  That sounds like a lot right?  It doesn’t even come close.

I felt excited.  Somebody loved me.  Somebody wanted to see me.  Somebody wanted to hear what I had to say.

I felt scared.  I mean this was an affair.  He had a wife. I was born and raised here, everyone knew me.  I own and run a business and all those people know me.

I felt realistic.  If I got caught I got caught.  I was human.  My husband left me.  My husband got addicted to pain pills.  The man I had an affair with obviously was a grown man and could make his own decisions, i didn’t put a gun to his head telling him to have an affair with me.  So if we were seen then we were seen that is where we were in our life.  But we didn’t want to be seen.  I didn’t want my husband to kill himself and as much as he hated the way his wife treated him, he didn’t want to hurt his kids.  So we were very careful.

I felt anxious.  My nerves were shot.  I’d not dated for a LONG time.  What was I doing?  My thoughts were spinning.  I was talking in my head out loud to myself. My down to earth responsible side  trying to over-speak my will to want more, my will to be happy, my will to be loved.  All at the same time.

I felt guilty.  I felt so bad for feeling so good.  I’d feel horrible for the two hours or so I’d have with HIM feeling amazing.  He made me smile and laugh and talk and listen and encourage me.   I lost weight, I went to the gym, I felt GOOD!  And I felt bad for feeling that way.

I felt nervous.  I was so afraid that I was going to lose him or his wife would find out or my sister in law would see me or whatever.  My mom would be so disappointed.  She believed my husband would get better if we all loved him and stood by him.  She would be so hurt to know I’d given up on my husband.  And hurting her would kill me.  I was worried for my kids  nervous that they’d see my happiness and think that it was because daddy was gone.  That wasn’t it at all.  It was that for the first time in a very long time I felt needed, wanted, loved and adored.

I felt torn.  Torn between whats right and what made me happy.   I felt torn between responsibility and desire.  I felt torn between being a good friend, (to his wife) and a lover to him.

I felt like a piece of shit.  I started my friendship in the beginning (I won’t lie) to be closer to him.  To get to see him more.  If we (her and I) hung out, I’d see him.  Even if it was just as ‘her friend’.   Thing is in REAL life, (not that this isn’t real) but in a real situation I am a really good friend.  I started to really like her.  She was a great friend to me and a good mom.  She was a horrible wife, (and I’m not saying that because of him) I’m saying that because I saw it, heard it and witnessed it myself.  But his actions, my actions, our actions really hurt her.  I was a horrible friend to her.

I felt happy.  I was so happy.  I was on cloud nine.  He was my first and last thought every day.  He’d send me a message saying good morning and tell me good night.  He’d think of the most creative romantic things to say to me and do for me.  He came over on his lunch hour. He complemented my outfits, my hair, my opinions.  He held my attention, made me laugh.  Made everything around me disappear.  And never made it look like any effort.  He said he was happy.  He said  he hadn’t been happy in a long time.  He made me feel so important to him.

I felt confident.  Because he never hurt me or put me down.

I felt beautiful. Because I was told that I was.

I felt desired.  Because I could arouse him with only a kiss or even better a look.

I felt needed. By someone other than my children.

I felt every emotion you could possibly feel all at the same time.

I felt like my best friend in life died suddenly without any warning at all when it was all over.   When his wife found out.   When his wife posted on my facebook that I was a whore who’d been with her husband for all 300 of my friends and family to see.   I felt like you’d cut off my body and left my head to think about what I’d done.   Suddenly OUR actions felt like mine.  That lead to several months of being severely depressed.  Ashamed. Lonely.  Yet having to act like nothing had happened because no one knew.   I’d caught and deleted her facebook message before anyone had seen it.  The only person she got to before I could block her was my son.  My 15 year old (at the time son).  My son with my first husband.  And his response was so grown up.  I blocked her and he said, “Mom, its okay.  He made you happy, he was a really cool guy.  I really liked his family.  If you guys didn’t do anything its fine but if you did its ____________’s (my sons step dads) and ____________’s (my affair partners wife’s) fault for not loving both of you the right way.    What a grown up LOGICAL response from a teenager.  But that is how my son has always been.  Wise and mature beyond his years.

I felt proud.  That I had raised a good kid to see situations the way they were and to know both sides before you decided on your feelings.

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23 thoughts on “The emotions I felt when having an affair.

  1. How do you feel now? I know that confused might be a word that would describe it. I think that what you described is what many people feel, when they decide to have or “end up in” an affair. I know that I felt accepted, loved, adored, valued, respected, excited and beautiful. I felt smart and funny and appreciated. I too, loved that I could excite him just by walking into the room and hugging him. I “assume” that another could make me feel this way, one day, mostly due to the fact that I NEVER felt any of that in my marriage, which spanned through some very developmental years (ages 26-34, when I FINALLY realized how broken my marriage was….or rather, how broken my HUSBAND was.)

    I STILL feel this way about my AP. He still feels this way about me. I can get aroused just by touching his hand and by looking at him as he eats or gets ready or gets out of the shower and dries off. I am mesmerized by HIM and by who he is, with ALL of his flaws and faults. And he is also mesmerized by ME, in the same states. And I do not believe that it is the “affair” itself that causes this. I do not even believe anymore that I am with him b/c I have unmet needs. I believe that we have developed a love that won’t go away. Yes, we can choose to turn our backs on it, b/c it is “wrong”. And maybe, it was a love that should have never been ignored, since we have a history from years ago?

    Either way, for the first time in my life, I experienced intimacy. Not just sexual intimacy, but emotional intimacy as well. I experienced what it MEANT when people say that being with someone makes you WANT to be a better person. Being with them makes you wake up EVERY day and wonder what you can do to make their life better on that day. Being with him makes me want to embrace his flaws and love him unconditionally, the way that I have always wanted to be loved….or at least as much as a human can love someone unconditionally, without that person being their child. This is NOT just b/c our love is forbidden or just b/c either of us are filling voids anymore. This is who we have become for one another b/c of our situations and b/c of what we have learned.

    I have finally accepted that I AM exactly where I am supposed to be right now. He may still have things he has to do, as may I, before we can or will or might be “together”. But with all of our life experiences combined, we are where we need to be TODAY. And for me, that brings hope for the future. It may be with him, it may not be. I do not know. But if it IS with him, then it will be at the right time, when it is meant to be.

    I hope that you are able to find peace during this time. I can relate to your dilemma on many levels. Not exactly, of course, but on many levels. My greatest fear is that when I DO file for divorce, that my husband will THEN decide he needs to “try”. But it is too late. And I do not want to carry the guilt of him deciding to “try” after all of these years of basically asking and begging him to do so. My only solace in this is that if he DOES try and get help, for HIS issues, that we will be better able to co-parent together, since we will both be in this, with our children, for the rest of our lives….long past the final “child support” payment. But I have made peace with this. If he chooses to try, the day I file, then while it will hurt, I will still be okay moving forward. It is still the best thing for my children and myself….for me to find peace and contentment. Be it with MM, or someone else, or simply….myself.

    • I want to frame this comment and hang it on the wall. I feel like you were speaking for me. Truly. I need to think some more on how I want to reply to this. Its perfect, beautiful and my situation exactly.

  2. It really is a whirlwind and it doesn’t get any better for a long time after its over. In the end I realized I just needed to appreciate the moments I had shared and let them be just that. My moments.

    I never felt guilty for falling in love. Never felt guilty for someone loving me when I needed it. In a perfect world it would be a fairy tale ending.

    But this world is far from perfect and sometimes its those brief shining moments that make the most impact.

    Who can say when they just become memories?

  3. Why judge yourself so harshly. Life is too short to let Love pass you by. Sometimes it isn’t appropriate or clean, or nice and wrapped with ribbon. But it is beautiful, and you can allow yourself to feel that…because you held it, had it, created it and shared it – and now you are letting it go. Be kind to yourself Xx

  4. Well written. Raw and real. Betrayeds usually don’t want to hear this stuff. Because it doesn’t fit the mold of the cheater as being all the same — self-centered jerks. We’re human too.

  5. That was very well written. It does explain your feelings and honors them very well. I was wondering if you could ponder one part though. The lesson your son learned. I understand that you were happy that he was very forgiving and could let go. Good lesson!
    Forgiving is powerful.

    The part that was a little off to me was the blame. No matter how anyone treats/loves you. You are still responsible for your actions.

  6. Interesting, I also made my lover’s wife my friend, almost like a way to get closer to him and integrated and be able to share more of his life. I am fortunate that the affair ended without any exposure. We are all still friends. Yet I do think that having that kind of interaction, helped to end our romance as things became more real, not just how we communicated and who he was with me, but I got to see who he was with her. I find it completely intriguing how we as society have defined all these rules of how to love and what love means. Out of fear we try to strong-hold our spouses, instead of loving them for who they are and being okay that maybe they need something from others. I love your blog!

  7. I am the OW and married as well. His wife knows, my husband does not. She knows my name, how to contact me, how to contact my husband – we live 5 hours apart – so no chance of running into each other on the streets. I do not know her. I take full 51% responsibility of the A – do not blame my xMM at all – and he is now in couples counseling having trouble letting me/us go. I have been in counseling – individual x 10 weeks – when she found out. Last week – he agreed to full transparancy of all electronic devices – so we are in NC x 5 days only – with a very poor closure. Struggling w many losses – however wanted a “good” closure – if there is such a thing. Thoughts on a closure that did not represent us? I know he is struggling as well…

    It is a lonely world being the OW. No one besides my therapist knows – on my side of things. Breathing is hard right now. Never experienced or recall experiencing this level of emotional pain. I guess i am fortunate to have lived/live a good life. I have been reading posts/blogs/websites for 11 weeks now – since D day – and have been hesitant to post – due to the negativity, anger, blame, feelings of deception I read – all real emotions yes – towards xMMs – that is just not how I view him or our connection. We never spoke about our spouses – so I have nothing negative to say/think about his wife either. No promises were made about the future that he broke – he was never controlling or manipulative – we went into this with our eyes wide open – living in the moment & enjoying our time together. We never talked about ‘the end’ either…we knew it was always out there in some form or fashion.
    I agree about the ability to love more than one person so deeply – I love xMM differently than my husband. I didnt know this depth/type of love was possible. My husband is amazing, kind, gentle, has a stable job, and is very admirable & well liked. There is nothing negative to share about him either – I am so lucky in the grand scheme of things – 2 great men. I am just not thinking about my husband & how he might react. I clearly haven’t been since the A began 8 months ago. I am more worried & focused on my xMM and how torturous things must be for him x 11 weeks since his wife found out. It must be so difficult for him & his wife. I know that could be my situation in a moment’s notice too.
    My counseling sessions are reactionary to what is going on in my xMMs household – we have tried NC before – unsuccessfully three times – therefore my heart does not know if this is ‘the end’ – he wants to talk later this week – of course I do too – and I am just not emotionally strong enough to let go – to call it ‘the end’ – either – he would honor it, if I did.
    I am discussing in counseling what I want out of life as well & my ability to articulate to my husband – however not sure he will be able to provide – not the core of who my husband is. I recognize that I am clouded in my thinking – especially that it may not be over w xMM. And I honestly don’t want it to be over.
    Am I fixated on the concept of a good closure conversation, which i will probably end up in tears; should let this slowly die without a ‘burial’ conversation?

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