So YES, I’m pregnant. Many of you asked in my last post…. I guess I left the area kind of grey. I didn’t really say I was. YES, I have mixed emotions and YES I am terrified and I have such mixed feelings.
First of all I was/am on birth control. Second, he has a vacetomy scheduled in TWO weeks. Third, I know he hasn’t been on pills because we put him on rehab but sadly I worry (in the back of my mind) what if he is, what if he was? What if that affects this baby? I’m terrified. He swears to me he isn’t/wasn’t. It all stems from the amount of time I was lied to constantly and he constantly took all my pills. I’m just…. feeling guilty for not being over the top excited. How bad is that? Who doesn’t get ecstatic when they become pregnant and they are married with kids already? He is excited. He is saying that this is proof of how hard he needs to work. He is telling me constantly that he loves me and he wants this, (not that I would ever NOT have this baby). He is telling me I am beautiful and telling me to take it easy, and doing a TON of stuff around the house. However, (sigh), I’m terrified (and holding my breath) that the bottom will fall out again. If you remember, I had this perfect little life in the beginning. Before the pain killers. Happy family, great marriage, home, our own businesses, new cars, (not bragging but I’m just trying to say life was good. That lead to buying a smaller house. Giving back my new car (that I LOVED) when the lease was up and buying a car that was OLD but reliable to not have a payment. Renting out our mountain home, (so I didn’t lose it) and accepting the fact that I couldn’t go there on the weekends anymore to ‘get away’. Two years. Two years he was GONE. MIA. Drugs, (pain killers- please don’t think anything like Meth or Crack) took over and became first and most important in his life. My doctor said it is hands down the HARDEST addiction to break. He said the reason is, these pain pill addicts, will one day truly be in pain and need pain meds, and the problem can start all over again. So I love kids. I work with kids. I adore kids. My world REVOLVES around my kids. I would never have changed anything if it meant I wouldn’t have had any one of them. So I don’t want to NOT have this baby or regret being pregnant. I just want my husband to keep his head above water so this baby knows nothing of the struggles we have had. I want it to seem as if it were all a bad dream to my other children. I want back the life I had…. it just seems so far away at times. This last time that he was in rehab seemed different. He got more out of it. It hit home and it was an in treatment center and he was there for awhile. He has been doing really well. I am very proud of him.
As far as ALL of you almost lol asking if you can Congratulate me, yes, :0) you can. A baby is a HUGE reason to celebrate and be happy. A surprise? YES. A blessing? Yes! A marriage saver? Maybe. But I’m willing to try. With 100% of effort from my side. I am hopeful. Hopeful of my husbands addiction being a thing of our past. Our sad, struggling past. Fingers crossed.
Love to you all. As always.