My Little Champion

I’m exhausted but can’t sleep.

I’m wired but can’t focus.

I’m heartbroken but can’t cry.

I’m surrounded by everyone but feel alone.

I’m healthy, but feel sick.

I’m whole but feel broken.

I’m informed but feel confused.

I’m at peace, but feel angry.

I’m out of tears, but still cry.

I’m a mom of many but still lost one.

I got our baby’s ashes on Friday.  Such a small small amount.

I cried when he handed me the little velvet pouch.

Life is so fucking unfair and crewel sometimes.

My girlfriend sent me this:

“The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.”

I guess it is from the book of Mormon.  I am not Mormon, but the words were comforting.  Kind of I guess.  I believe in God, and I believe we go somewhere better…. I just don’t understand.  I know things happen for a reason, I know I did everything right. I’m just sad. Broken. Hurt. Confused. Lonely. Angry. Empty.  And missing a baby that I had fallen in love with before ever even placing eyes on.

I was going to name him Nolan.

It meant, “”little champion, chariot-fighter”

He was my little champion.  He still is.

I picture my grandma up there rocking him as she did me when I was little.

Broken

Miscarried at 14 weeks and 5 days. (a week ago Monday). 

You have to have a D&C when this far along. 

You have to sign ‘releases’ for ‘remains’ to be given to a mortuary. 

You have to decide what to do when you have no fucking clue how to wipe the snot falling from your nose from your unconsolable crying. 

You have to somehow get up and be a mom and wife. 

You have to.  Somehow.  Some way. 

Remembering HIM and hating pills.

Still here.  Still have good days, still have bad days.

Had my genetic testing done and its confirmed we are having a boy.

Went on a mini get away with my family and where I had a good time, I saw HIM in everything.  I have a hard time staying in hotels and not think about HIM.

I tried to push him from my head and focus on my family and husband.   My husband and I didn’t have a very good weekend though.  The day before we left he had a tooth pulled.  And of course the dentist (because I wasn’t there to be his fucking mom) prescribed him percosets for the pain.   She only gave him 15 and he allowed me to give them to him as he needed them for pain, I just instantly get in a shitty mood.   My doctor talked to me for a long time saying this is why pain killer addiction is so hard to overcome.  Every addict will eventually be in pain and need some kind of pain management.   It’s so frustrating.  I love him and care for him and don’t want him to hurt but those pills instantly throw me backwards.   So here I am mad at my husband over pills, (what ruined our marriage in the beginning) laying in a hotel bed thinking of HIM.  He knew it too.  He knew I was mad about the pills.  He flat out asked me, do you think about him when you are upset with me?  Guess I must have looked like I was day dreaming.  Who knows… I told him I don’t really think about HIM anymore… (which is a lie but I think I’m trying to lie to myself more than him). Maybe I’ll start believing my own words.   How do you just forget it?  You don’t.  It will never go away.  It will be in the back of my head constantly. Especially when things at home are hard.  Especially when I am watching my husband take pills for legitimate pain.   I just know how easy and quickly he can fall.  I’m terrified.  So terrified I think I’ve started to put that wall back up.  I’m trying not to.  The pills are gone, but he is complaining about how his mouth still hurts.  I’m watching him take Advil so I know he is trying.