Remembering HIM and hating pills.

Still here.  Still have good days, still have bad days.

Had my genetic testing done and its confirmed we are having a boy.

Went on a mini get away with my family and where I had a good time, I saw HIM in everything.  I have a hard time staying in hotels and not think about HIM.

I tried to push him from my head and focus on my family and husband.   My husband and I didn’t have a very good weekend though.  The day before we left he had a tooth pulled.  And of course the dentist (because I wasn’t there to be his fucking mom) prescribed him percosets for the pain.   She only gave him 15 and he allowed me to give them to him as he needed them for pain, I just instantly get in a shitty mood.   My doctor talked to me for a long time saying this is why pain killer addiction is so hard to overcome.  Every addict will eventually be in pain and need some kind of pain management.   It’s so frustrating.  I love him and care for him and don’t want him to hurt but those pills instantly throw me backwards.   So here I am mad at my husband over pills, (what ruined our marriage in the beginning) laying in a hotel bed thinking of HIM.  He knew it too.  He knew I was mad about the pills.  He flat out asked me, do you think about him when you are upset with me?  Guess I must have looked like I was day dreaming.  Who knows… I told him I don’t really think about HIM anymore… (which is a lie but I think I’m trying to lie to myself more than him). Maybe I’ll start believing my own words.   How do you just forget it?  You don’t.  It will never go away.  It will be in the back of my head constantly. Especially when things at home are hard.  Especially when I am watching my husband take pills for legitimate pain.   I just know how easy and quickly he can fall.  I’m terrified.  So terrified I think I’ve started to put that wall back up.  I’m trying not to.  The pills are gone, but he is complaining about how his mouth still hurts.  I’m watching him take Advil so I know he is trying.

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12 thoughts on “Remembering HIM and hating pills.

  1. First, congrats on having a boy.
    Second. Since when do dentists prescribe a narcotic for a pulled tooth? I had 3 molars pulled at eighteen yrs old and was never prescribed anything for pain. In fact, having the molars pulled made the pain go away. (Shrugging shoulders).
    He should have told the dentist that he was an addict and could not have them. IMO that is a red flag that he didn’t say anything. I personally couldn’t deal with being with an addict reformed or not and I give you a lot of credit for trying.

    You don’t have to share if you don’t want to but I’m curious as to what He is doing now. Did he go back home to reconcile?

    • Sadly I don’t know what he is doing. I am trying hard not to go there. I can’t tell you how hard it is to have 17 unopened emails from HIM. I can’t delete them but I can’t open myself up again… it just all sucks. He told me he understood me needing to have ‘no contact’ but he writes still. I don’t think he is disrespecting my wishes, I just think he wants me to know he is there, if every my marriage should fail. He loved me as much as I loved him.
      As far as the pain killers go and dentists prescribing, its hit or miss. My husbands roots to his teeth were so long and embedded into his jaw. They had to cut open the gum and he had stitches too. Its not like just pulling a tooth. I’ve had teeth pulled and was fine with Advil or Tylenol, and I’ve had teeth surgically removed and needed more. I just feel like percocet and pain pills are what is going to make this marriage work or not.
      Thanks for the congrats. I’ve been doing a little shopping and trying to get more excited…. how horrible does that sound?

  2. Give him a break. He could have refused them and used something else, but at least he asked for your help. That’s a HUGE step and he needs to see you appreciating his efforts otherwise THAT could be what pushes him towards a relapse.

      • Makes sense to me. I’m sorry its all still really tough for you…. I wonder if that ever goes away… I wonder that in my situation all the time.

      • As someone who understand the allure of pain medication as well as the black hole that you can find yourself in with them, my only recommendation would have been to have asked for whatever pain med he liked LEAST. I say this b/c Percocet, was the one that actually caused me to have an issue. The Vicodin I was on, while I liked it, never got me into trouble. The percocet though? It was the one. So for me, since I do struggle with chronic back and neck pain (though I battle it with injections and Advil currently, NO narcs for over a year!) it is likely that at some point, I will need another surgery. When and if that happens, I will request the lowest dosage of Vicodin and will have a trusted friend or family member, give them to me as needed. It is not that I want to go back there and I don’t even crave them anymore, at all. I never want to go through that again, however, I also know, that in THAT moment, if they hit my system, I will be reminded of WHY I liked them and could easily use poor judgement again.

        That being said, it’s just an idea for any future situations in which he may find himself truly needing something for pain. I think it is a good sign that he had you manage them, yet I can obviously understand why it is hard for you to even see him on any type of pills.

        I am glad to hear that you are feeling good physically, and finding some excitement about your new baby boy! Not sure if I congratulated you on finding out that it was a little boy, so if not, congrats! I continue to wish you well….and that you find peace and contentment in your heart. Take care. 🙂

        On Fri, Jul 5, 2013 at 9:15 PM, Being Her, (the other woman)… wrote:

        > ** > Being ‘Her’ commented: “I hear that loud and clear. ” >

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