Still here. Still have good days, still have bad days.
Had my genetic testing done and its confirmed we are having a boy.
Went on a mini get away with my family and where I had a good time, I saw HIM in everything. I have a hard time staying in hotels and not think about HIM.
I tried to push him from my head and focus on my family and husband. My husband and I didn’t have a very good weekend though. The day before we left he had a tooth pulled. And of course the dentist (because I wasn’t there to be his fucking mom) prescribed him percosets for the pain. She only gave him 15 and he allowed me to give them to him as he needed them for pain, I just instantly get in a shitty mood. My doctor talked to me for a long time saying this is why pain killer addiction is so hard to overcome. Every addict will eventually be in pain and need some kind of pain management. It’s so frustrating. I love him and care for him and don’t want him to hurt but those pills instantly throw me backwards. So here I am mad at my husband over pills, (what ruined our marriage in the beginning) laying in a hotel bed thinking of HIM. He knew it too. He knew I was mad about the pills. He flat out asked me, do you think about him when you are upset with me? Guess I must have looked like I was day dreaming. Who knows… I told him I don’t really think about HIM anymore… (which is a lie but I think I’m trying to lie to myself more than him). Maybe I’ll start believing my own words. How do you just forget it? You don’t. It will never go away. It will be in the back of my head constantly. Especially when things at home are hard. Especially when I am watching my husband take pills for legitimate pain. I just know how easy and quickly he can fall. I’m terrified. So terrified I think I’ve started to put that wall back up. I’m trying not to. The pills are gone, but he is complaining about how his mouth still hurts. I’m watching him take Advil so I know he is trying.