My Little Champion

I’m exhausted but can’t sleep.

I’m wired but can’t focus.

I’m heartbroken but can’t cry.

I’m surrounded by everyone but feel alone.

I’m healthy, but feel sick.

I’m whole but feel broken.

I’m informed but feel confused.

I’m at peace, but feel angry.

I’m out of tears, but still cry.

I’m a mom of many but still lost one.

I got our baby’s ashes on Friday.  Such a small small amount.

I cried when he handed me the little velvet pouch.

Life is so fucking unfair and crewel sometimes.

My girlfriend sent me this:

“The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.”

I guess it is from the book of Mormon.  I am not Mormon, but the words were comforting.  Kind of I guess.  I believe in God, and I believe we go somewhere better…. I just don’t understand.  I know things happen for a reason, I know I did everything right. I’m just sad. Broken. Hurt. Confused. Lonely. Angry. Empty.  And missing a baby that I had fallen in love with before ever even placing eyes on.

I was going to name him Nolan.

It meant, “”little champion, chariot-fighter”

He was my little champion.  He still is.

I picture my grandma up there rocking him as she did me when I was little.

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