Guess today isn’t a blogging day.

I’ve tried three times to write a post.   All after being done I’ve sent to the trash.

I’m angry at my husband.

I think my last effort was last night.

I miss HIM.

Talking just isn’t enough.

I’m greedy.  I want more.

I want the fairytale.

I’m a fucking girl damnit.  Of course I want the fairytale.

Just forget the horse.  I’m allergic and they stink.

Possibly my longest post ever!

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Sitting up in bed in the dark.   I have Pandora playing Jazz, (yes I like Jazz, don’t judge,).  It’s relaxing and I write well to it.  Let me tell you, I am super sexy tonight!  I have tissue stuck up my nose because it WILL NOT stop running!  Don’t laugh.   You know you do it when no one is looking too!  Today was a crazy day. It started at Children’s hospital.  My son woke up at like 2 in the morning last night with a 105.2 fever.  I nearly died.  I blinked thinking I was not awake enough to read the thermometer.  I shook it like it was broke.  I have six kids and have worked with kids for 15 years and have never seen a fever that high.  I ran and got the other thermometer and tried again. 105.3.  SHIT.  I went right to urgent care.  His ears looked fine.  His rapid strep test was negative.  He said his head hurt was the only thing.   My daughter missed three days of school last week with a fever and a headache too but it was nothing like 105.  My doctor said if she had her fever longer than three days to bring her in but it broke on the third day.  Children’s Hospital told me that a virus is going around with a high fever and headache, but they were seeing fevers of 103, not 105.   Because of how high his fever was they decided to start an antibiotic because clearly his body was trying to fight something.  They also have me alternating Tylenol and Motrin for him every three hours.  Today he seemed run down and had ‘sick eyes’.  But his fever didn’t break through.  If you are a parent you know what ‘sick eyes’ are.   Your kiddo’s big beautiful eyes just don’t sparkle.  They look miserable and you wish you could be sick for them.  

 

We had plans to go to a friends house this morning for a parade and event near her house and decided not to because of his fever.  I went and had my haircut (OMG it was about time), and met my girlfriend at Starbucks for a coffee.   She is struggling with her husband right now.   They have grown so far apart.  I sat there and listened.  Listened to every word as if she were speaking for me.   Things she thought, felt, wanted, needed, desired and expected were all things I could relate to.  Why is it we fall out of love?  Why do things change?  How is it possible to love someone but no longer be IN love with them?   It scares me.  Almost all of my girlfriends have or are getting a divorce.  Why is marriage so difficult?  My one girlfriend who had the perfect husband and marriage, just buried her husband.   I posted about his funeral a bit ago back.  Great guy.  There aren’t many like him out there.   Anyway back to my point.  Clearly we all adore our spouses in the beginning.  And we care about them and love them very much even in the end.  But somewhere we want and need more.  What is it?  What caused that?  What changed?  Is it kids?  Life?  Duties? Jobs?  What?  I truly don’t think I was any different back then than I am now.   I am better off financially.  I have furthered my education.  I have owned/ran my business at a noted by the state level. I feel like I personally am in a better place.  So how can other areas be worse?  Looking for your comments for sure on this post.  IF you divorced, what changed?  Love?  Appreciation?  Sex? Help?  What was it? 

In my first marriage I’d say it was attention.   My first husband was a workaholic.   If I said something nice about him, it was that he always had a job and he busted his ass.  I never worried about money.  HOWEVER he was a tight ass.  We faught about money a lot.  He ran all the finances and if you needed shoes the ones you had better have been falling apart.  And that is hard to adjust to, (at 17 when I got married) when you come from a family that had money.  I’m not bragging here and my relationship with him taught me a lot.  It was fine when he told me no to something I wanted but when it was no for my kids I flipped out.  He wanted to wait until their clothes DID NOT FIT before buying more.  Not ‘getting a little too small’.  MADE me crazy especially when I made half the money.  He was very caught in the past.  Our biggest fight was when he came home from work one night early.  He wanted to know why I didn’t have dinner started.   I said that I was sorry but he was home early and that I’d start it right now.  He thought a woman’s job was cooking and cleaning and you had dinner ready for your husband when he got home.  Lets just say that is the first time I’d ever thrown something at anyone.  I hucked the bread and the peanut butter at him along with something along the lines of “then make yourself a sandwich I’m not a mind reader as to your arrival time home.”   He would eat his dinner and turn on the TV and from dinner until bed never turn away from the TV.  EVER.   I took care of the kids.  I did their baths, homework, bedtimes, and I’d go to bed.  I never remembered him coming to bed most nights.  It was a very lonely marriage.   About seven years into our ten year marriage he started drinking.  And I know you can see wehre this is going.  Needless to say I moved out with my three kids and did the single mom thing.  I had never been happier.  I rented a house and made ends meet with out being on any kind of assistance.  I’ll never forget my dad telling me how proud of me he was.  He said you don’t see many 25 year olds with three kids just make ends meet and have well behaved, respectful kids.

 

 My parents and I were on a bowling league on Friday nights.  I bowled with them to spend time with them and to have a night off.  Well one Friday night my husband at the time (ex now) while we were separated came into the bowling alley.  From the front doors he yelled “WHERE IS THAT FUCKING BITCH?”  My dad bowled with two of his police partners.  My dad is a retired police officer.   Anyway my mom (a peace keepr) walks up to him and she puts her hand on his chest and says _________________ you don’t want to cause a scene, lets just calm down.   He pushed her hand off of him and said FUCK YOU!  TO MY MOM, I was dying.  I wish I could be anywhere but there.   Well here comes my dad and his two cop partners and they seriously pick him up and walk him outside.  The bowling alley called the police.   I hear yelling and people I don’t even know are asking if I am okay.  I was so embarrassed.  This shit only happens on Police shows with white trash people.  I didn’t get it.   Before the night was over I had a boulder (a huge rock) thrown through my expedition’s window.   He was arrested.  And my dad came in and I didn’t know what to expect.  What he’d say or do.  He pointed to me and said “I owe you an apology. When you said he was an asshole, I might have blown you off a bit thinking that all marriages are tough sometimes, but that guy is an asshole.  Good call on leaving his ass.”  And he kissed my forehead.   My dad was and still is my world and amazing.

 

Where I am going with this is he turned into someone I didn’t know.  He’d go to work, come home, eat, watch cop shows like Law and Order and drink.  I grew up.  I married him when I was 17.  At 17 I was VERY mature.   What 17 year old makes a marriage work for ten years.  I was going to go crazy if I didn’t leave.  One day I remember asking him a question from the couch three times.   He never looked at me. Never acknowledged me.  Never even blinked when I spoke as if I’d distracted him.  Nothing.  It was that night that I realized I could not live like this for 60+ years.   So I moved out.  That was that.  I felt like I could breathe for the first time in a long time. 

 

So you all know the issues I face with my current husband.  Great guy.  Kind.  Thoughtful.  Great heart.  Good dad.  But  his addiction is more important than me.  It continually takes him down a road that has destroyed our relationship.  I don’t trust him.  I can’t leave anything out.  I am telling you when a spouse steals from you and lies to you and blames your oldest teenage daughter it WILL cause issues in your relationship.  But when he tries, or apologizes or stays clean I see glimpses of the man I married.   Its so hard.

 

Sex?  I wonder seriously how many marriages the actually issue is sex?   My first husband sex wasn’t that great.  I didn’t know it wasn’t that great because again, I was 17.   I’d only had one partner prior to him and lets face it teen sex sucks.  Experience and knowing you body and what you like just isn’t there.   So my first husband and I had sex in the beginning that seemed okay… not great not bad.  I don’t remember EVER doing anything erotic or fun or even different positions… it was weird.  I just don’t.  I don’t know if I’ve pushed the memories out lol or if they were just THAT bad lol.   Anyway, him and I got to a point where he was annoyed when I asked to mess around.  He actually said more than once that sex was for having children and with three kids, we were done having kids.  So we were done having sex apparently.  Sigh.  Whatever.   I get so angry when I think of him.  My mom had to come take me to the hospital to have my third child my daughter because he was watching the game.  FUCKING ASSHOLE I have never forgiven him for that.  He eventually showed up at the hospital.  JERK.  Oh!  And then his brother came and picked me up from the hospital and took me and my new baby home because like I said he was a workaholic and he had  to work during the time my doctor decided to discharge me.  Sigh.  Needless to say I don’t miss him at all.  I’m just saying, I don’t know what exactly happened there.   I grew up and expected and needed more and couldn’t see myself with him in 60 years.

 

Sex with my husband now is  not bad.  It’s not an area I would complain about.   Well for the most part. The only things we have argued about with sex was a couple times when sex was done when he finished and he’d just get up and be done.  The shit hit the fan really quick with that one.  Not that it needs to be about me but I can’t imagine getting off and just climbing off your partner like peace out, I got off….  It makes me think of that scene in the movie Spanglish with Adam Sandler.  When his wife is riding him and she finishes and just walks away.  In fact it is sex that usually tells me if he is clean or not.  He can’t ‘finish’ when he is on pills.   He can perform but never finish.   It never fails that is when I’ll go look in bottles or try and figure out what is missing from where.   He caught on to that too so now if and when we haven’t had sex for awhile I know.  

 

So just like I did with my ex-husband, I think I have matured and know what I want.  Can I see myself with him in 60 years?  Yes, if he could kick the pills, he isn’t that bad to be married to.  So what changed in my relationships was, (my first marriage), sex changed,  attention changed, and I felt very alone in my relationship and in my parenting.   With my marriage now, its hands down trust.  That and I’m terrified he is going to die.  I have a fear and a dream often of having to burry him.  In my dream I turn around from looking at his casket and I see my kids all six of them taking up an entire church bench dressed in black.   What a fucked up dream.  

 

I don’t think any marriage is easy and I think every marriage has its problems.  I just want a marriage where you are each other’s worlds and you wouldn’t do anything to hurt them.  Yes, you have arguments and disagreements.  But you have each other, great sex, great conversations and a ton of laughter. 

 

So tell me, my blogging buddies, if and when you got divorced what were your main reasons?  What changed?

Lowest blow from my blog yet.

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It’s all so debatable.  Right from wrong.  Don’t you think?  Blurred lines.  That Grey area.  I would have never, (long, long ago), thought in any circumstance could an affair be understandable.  Ever.   I would have said women who cheat were whores and men were scum.  They were both home-wreckers.   Well, that is until now.  Well until 2010.  When I learned FIRST hand you shouldn’t be so quick to judge.  When you choose to blog you set yourself up for three things.  1. to get your words and feelings out.  2. To hopefully find some support or people who have “been there, done that” and can relate. And 3. Haters. Blamers.  Finger Pointers.  Judgers. Those who are somehow better than you.  Your skin gets thick pretty quick. But there are STILL those jabs that hurt.  To the commenter that said this: “God punishes in strange ways.  Maybe your baby died and his spirit was given to a more deserving woman because you had an affair you whore.”     FUCK YOU.   I’m pretty sure God, (since you seem to know what he does), is very proud of your mouth, your pointing fingers and name calling and oh… judging.