Possibly my longest post ever!

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Sitting up in bed in the dark.   I have Pandora playing Jazz, (yes I like Jazz, don’t judge,).  It’s relaxing and I write well to it.  Let me tell you, I am super sexy tonight!  I have tissue stuck up my nose because it WILL NOT stop running!  Don’t laugh.   You know you do it when no one is looking too!  Today was a crazy day. It started at Children’s hospital.  My son woke up at like 2 in the morning last night with a 105.2 fever.  I nearly died.  I blinked thinking I was not awake enough to read the thermometer.  I shook it like it was broke.  I have six kids and have worked with kids for 15 years and have never seen a fever that high.  I ran and got the other thermometer and tried again. 105.3.  SHIT.  I went right to urgent care.  His ears looked fine.  His rapid strep test was negative.  He said his head hurt was the only thing.   My daughter missed three days of school last week with a fever and a headache too but it was nothing like 105.  My doctor said if she had her fever longer than three days to bring her in but it broke on the third day.  Children’s Hospital told me that a virus is going around with a high fever and headache, but they were seeing fevers of 103, not 105.   Because of how high his fever was they decided to start an antibiotic because clearly his body was trying to fight something.  They also have me alternating Tylenol and Motrin for him every three hours.  Today he seemed run down and had ‘sick eyes’.  But his fever didn’t break through.  If you are a parent you know what ‘sick eyes’ are.   Your kiddo’s big beautiful eyes just don’t sparkle.  They look miserable and you wish you could be sick for them.  

 

We had plans to go to a friends house this morning for a parade and event near her house and decided not to because of his fever.  I went and had my haircut (OMG it was about time), and met my girlfriend at Starbucks for a coffee.   She is struggling with her husband right now.   They have grown so far apart.  I sat there and listened.  Listened to every word as if she were speaking for me.   Things she thought, felt, wanted, needed, desired and expected were all things I could relate to.  Why is it we fall out of love?  Why do things change?  How is it possible to love someone but no longer be IN love with them?   It scares me.  Almost all of my girlfriends have or are getting a divorce.  Why is marriage so difficult?  My one girlfriend who had the perfect husband and marriage, just buried her husband.   I posted about his funeral a bit ago back.  Great guy.  There aren’t many like him out there.   Anyway back to my point.  Clearly we all adore our spouses in the beginning.  And we care about them and love them very much even in the end.  But somewhere we want and need more.  What is it?  What caused that?  What changed?  Is it kids?  Life?  Duties? Jobs?  What?  I truly don’t think I was any different back then than I am now.   I am better off financially.  I have furthered my education.  I have owned/ran my business at a noted by the state level. I feel like I personally am in a better place.  So how can other areas be worse?  Looking for your comments for sure on this post.  IF you divorced, what changed?  Love?  Appreciation?  Sex? Help?  What was it? 

In my first marriage I’d say it was attention.   My first husband was a workaholic.   If I said something nice about him, it was that he always had a job and he busted his ass.  I never worried about money.  HOWEVER he was a tight ass.  We faught about money a lot.  He ran all the finances and if you needed shoes the ones you had better have been falling apart.  And that is hard to adjust to, (at 17 when I got married) when you come from a family that had money.  I’m not bragging here and my relationship with him taught me a lot.  It was fine when he told me no to something I wanted but when it was no for my kids I flipped out.  He wanted to wait until their clothes DID NOT FIT before buying more.  Not ‘getting a little too small’.  MADE me crazy especially when I made half the money.  He was very caught in the past.  Our biggest fight was when he came home from work one night early.  He wanted to know why I didn’t have dinner started.   I said that I was sorry but he was home early and that I’d start it right now.  He thought a woman’s job was cooking and cleaning and you had dinner ready for your husband when he got home.  Lets just say that is the first time I’d ever thrown something at anyone.  I hucked the bread and the peanut butter at him along with something along the lines of “then make yourself a sandwich I’m not a mind reader as to your arrival time home.”   He would eat his dinner and turn on the TV and from dinner until bed never turn away from the TV.  EVER.   I took care of the kids.  I did their baths, homework, bedtimes, and I’d go to bed.  I never remembered him coming to bed most nights.  It was a very lonely marriage.   About seven years into our ten year marriage he started drinking.  And I know you can see wehre this is going.  Needless to say I moved out with my three kids and did the single mom thing.  I had never been happier.  I rented a house and made ends meet with out being on any kind of assistance.  I’ll never forget my dad telling me how proud of me he was.  He said you don’t see many 25 year olds with three kids just make ends meet and have well behaved, respectful kids.

 

 My parents and I were on a bowling league on Friday nights.  I bowled with them to spend time with them and to have a night off.  Well one Friday night my husband at the time (ex now) while we were separated came into the bowling alley.  From the front doors he yelled “WHERE IS THAT FUCKING BITCH?”  My dad bowled with two of his police partners.  My dad is a retired police officer.   Anyway my mom (a peace keepr) walks up to him and she puts her hand on his chest and says _________________ you don’t want to cause a scene, lets just calm down.   He pushed her hand off of him and said FUCK YOU!  TO MY MOM, I was dying.  I wish I could be anywhere but there.   Well here comes my dad and his two cop partners and they seriously pick him up and walk him outside.  The bowling alley called the police.   I hear yelling and people I don’t even know are asking if I am okay.  I was so embarrassed.  This shit only happens on Police shows with white trash people.  I didn’t get it.   Before the night was over I had a boulder (a huge rock) thrown through my expedition’s window.   He was arrested.  And my dad came in and I didn’t know what to expect.  What he’d say or do.  He pointed to me and said “I owe you an apology. When you said he was an asshole, I might have blown you off a bit thinking that all marriages are tough sometimes, but that guy is an asshole.  Good call on leaving his ass.”  And he kissed my forehead.   My dad was and still is my world and amazing.

 

Where I am going with this is he turned into someone I didn’t know.  He’d go to work, come home, eat, watch cop shows like Law and Order and drink.  I grew up.  I married him when I was 17.  At 17 I was VERY mature.   What 17 year old makes a marriage work for ten years.  I was going to go crazy if I didn’t leave.  One day I remember asking him a question from the couch three times.   He never looked at me. Never acknowledged me.  Never even blinked when I spoke as if I’d distracted him.  Nothing.  It was that night that I realized I could not live like this for 60+ years.   So I moved out.  That was that.  I felt like I could breathe for the first time in a long time. 

 

So you all know the issues I face with my current husband.  Great guy.  Kind.  Thoughtful.  Great heart.  Good dad.  But  his addiction is more important than me.  It continually takes him down a road that has destroyed our relationship.  I don’t trust him.  I can’t leave anything out.  I am telling you when a spouse steals from you and lies to you and blames your oldest teenage daughter it WILL cause issues in your relationship.  But when he tries, or apologizes or stays clean I see glimpses of the man I married.   Its so hard.

 

Sex?  I wonder seriously how many marriages the actually issue is sex?   My first husband sex wasn’t that great.  I didn’t know it wasn’t that great because again, I was 17.   I’d only had one partner prior to him and lets face it teen sex sucks.  Experience and knowing you body and what you like just isn’t there.   So my first husband and I had sex in the beginning that seemed okay… not great not bad.  I don’t remember EVER doing anything erotic or fun or even different positions… it was weird.  I just don’t.  I don’t know if I’ve pushed the memories out lol or if they were just THAT bad lol.   Anyway, him and I got to a point where he was annoyed when I asked to mess around.  He actually said more than once that sex was for having children and with three kids, we were done having kids.  So we were done having sex apparently.  Sigh.  Whatever.   I get so angry when I think of him.  My mom had to come take me to the hospital to have my third child my daughter because he was watching the game.  FUCKING ASSHOLE I have never forgiven him for that.  He eventually showed up at the hospital.  JERK.  Oh!  And then his brother came and picked me up from the hospital and took me and my new baby home because like I said he was a workaholic and he had  to work during the time my doctor decided to discharge me.  Sigh.  Needless to say I don’t miss him at all.  I’m just saying, I don’t know what exactly happened there.   I grew up and expected and needed more and couldn’t see myself with him in 60 years.

 

Sex with my husband now is  not bad.  It’s not an area I would complain about.   Well for the most part. The only things we have argued about with sex was a couple times when sex was done when he finished and he’d just get up and be done.  The shit hit the fan really quick with that one.  Not that it needs to be about me but I can’t imagine getting off and just climbing off your partner like peace out, I got off….  It makes me think of that scene in the movie Spanglish with Adam Sandler.  When his wife is riding him and she finishes and just walks away.  In fact it is sex that usually tells me if he is clean or not.  He can’t ‘finish’ when he is on pills.   He can perform but never finish.   It never fails that is when I’ll go look in bottles or try and figure out what is missing from where.   He caught on to that too so now if and when we haven’t had sex for awhile I know.  

 

So just like I did with my ex-husband, I think I have matured and know what I want.  Can I see myself with him in 60 years?  Yes, if he could kick the pills, he isn’t that bad to be married to.  So what changed in my relationships was, (my first marriage), sex changed,  attention changed, and I felt very alone in my relationship and in my parenting.   With my marriage now, its hands down trust.  That and I’m terrified he is going to die.  I have a fear and a dream often of having to burry him.  In my dream I turn around from looking at his casket and I see my kids all six of them taking up an entire church bench dressed in black.   What a fucked up dream.  

 

I don’t think any marriage is easy and I think every marriage has its problems.  I just want a marriage where you are each other’s worlds and you wouldn’t do anything to hurt them.  Yes, you have arguments and disagreements.  But you have each other, great sex, great conversations and a ton of laughter. 

 

So tell me, my blogging buddies, if and when you got divorced what were your main reasons?  What changed?

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12 thoughts on “Possibly my longest post ever!

  1. I just want you to know I have read the post but can’t respond fully right now. I have never been married but I will share with you my parents divorce.

    As for our kid, I hope he is ok!! I have a fever of 106.7 when I was younger, naturally my parents didn’t rush me to the er, they threw me in an ice bath…WORST thing you could ever do! It’s messed me up some, hardly ever gets fevers unless I’m dying lol and I’m always cold! My body can’t regulate it’s temperature anymore. It’s horrible. I hope he doesn’t get any of that.

    Just wanted to say stay strong! And I will share more when off this busy ambulance. Take care!

  2. Trust and money were the reasons I left. It was a painful decision. One I put off for a long time.
    What changed? I opened my eyes. The ex didn’t have the ability to love me, because it was all about him. His harshness and controlling behavior grew worse. I tried to tell myself it’s just because marriage was hard. But, when he took my pain pills prescribed to me for the second time after our second child, I made a mental note I would leave once our oldest turned 18.
    For 8 years my mantra was wait until that 18th birthday. I couldn’t make it. I was 7 years short.
    His actions in and since the divorce have proven my decision right, time after time.
    Sorry for the long rant here. I’m sorry for your struggle and wish you happiness. It cannot be easy to live with an addict. Trust is so important in a marriage.

  3. What it boiled down to for me when I chose to divorce my husband is that he lied one too many times and put my health at risk. I had known he was untrustworthy for a while, but I was under the delusion that he would change. The truth of the matter is that most people are who they are. Thinking that you can change someone or their addictive behavior is terribly off base. I learned that lesson the hard way.

    The main thing that changed was me. Even our marriage counselor said so. My perspective shifted, I realized what I am worth, and I accepted that I cannot change him. I learned to let go of the things that I cannot control, to set hard boundaries, and to choose myself, my safety, and my happiness. It has been the best decision I’ve ever made, hands down. I became a healthier person, and there was no longer a place for his dysfunction, lying, and addiction.

  4. You know I’ve followed you since the beginning I think, right love? So I say what I’m going to say from following you, my own personal experience, and then some arm chair stuff thrown in, LOL

    I’ve told you before I’ve battled addiction, and now I’m married to a sex addict. Addiction is fucking hard. However, if the addict is constantly relapsing, not actively working a recovery program to stay clean…not WANTING to stay clean (I mean yes I know he wants to, but he’s not making the proper effort) and you keep thinking he’s hit bottom, yet doesn’t? At some point you have to ask yourself, when is enough…enough?

    Not being able to trust your spouse is so very hard. I mean I have trust issues from a different perspective, obviously. I get scared, I check up when my stomach is in knots, and I hate it. HATE it. And my husband is in active recovery. Yours is not. You’re more like his mother than his wife.

    Before, I was always worried that you were thinking of divorce not only because of his addiction, but because of your ex-AP. And that clouded your thinking. But I think now you’re much clearer. You’d be making this decision for the right reasons if you do. I know your husband has been to rehab, yet he’s not in any active recovery program. No NA meetings, no sponsor. If he was serious about being clean, he would do this. There are ways. What about addiction therapy? etc. He’s not ready. And you can’t change him and force him to be ready. You’ve tried over and over. But only you can say when you’re done.

    What are your deal breakers? What are your fears of letting the marriage go? What is best for your children and you?

  5. I am still very much in the middle of a split, but I can tell you exactly why I decided I wanted out. My husband is a good man. He’s a good provider, a good father and he doesn’t have any vices that are detrimental to our family. He also doesn’t love me. He likes me just fine, and he has gotten very good at pacifying me, but he never truly loved me. I knew that I could stay in this marriage forever, he’d never leave, he has a comfortable life and I take good care of our family. But I have been miserable for the last three years.

    I realized that when the best thing you have to say about your marriage is “at least he doesn’t beat me,” it’s probably time to get out. I took an honest look at my life and decided that I was already so lonely, I’d probably be happier alone. So that’s what I’m working towards, taking care of myself and figuring out what I really want out of my life.

    • Good for you. Good job listening to your heart. I think that is where I need to step up… I’m so afraid of what everyone else will think. They don’t all see my husbands struggles. I don’t bad mouth him. And where his family knows, most of mine doesn’t. I don’t know what I am so afraid of everyone knowing… that my marriage is just like everyone else’s and we have our issues? Or if its admitting to myself that I failed at something.

  6. Ok, I hope I can finally give my full reply to this. My parents got divorced recently so I will share their story from a “kids” perspective.

    My parents were both addicted to drinking and at one point drugs. I can still remember the parties, people everywhere passed out. It was a rough childhood, but they never gave up the bottle. My dad drank all the time, from the moment he got home till he went to bed, beer all day. Mom loved her mixed drinks and stronger stuff. It lead to fighting all the time, I took the beatings for it, it was always my fault.

    When my brother turned 18 they decided to get divorced. I was pissed, not because of the divorce, I was glad they were finally doing that! I was pissed because EVERYONE, family, friends, literally EVERYONE knew BEFORE they told us kids! They knew for MONTHS! I will never forgive them for it either! My parents divorce came shortly after 4 of my mom’s friends had divorced, so I knew it was coming but to tell EVERYONE before their own children…not cool!

    Honestly, with their relationship and the stuff they put me through I’m glad they did it. As for why they divorced…they never loved each other. I can only remember fighting all the time, they were never nice to each other, they never showed affection…it was just…they needed to do it from the moment they got married. I can’t remember any pictures of them before I was born when they were happy. Hell, their wedding pictures my father looks like a grumpy pissed off asshole!

    My man got divorced right when him and I got together, but it’s ok, his now ex wife encouraged it. She’s an awesome friend to the both of us and has given us her house to hide out at, it’s wonderful! : ) But they divorced because they grew apart, it wasn’t anything one person did wrong, they both thought about it and agreed to. She was so focused on her career and working all the time, he loved to be outside, she didn’t. From what they both say (yes she admits to this), the isn’t the person she acted like when they were dating. She acting one way, got him hooked, married, then just changed. She admits it was her fault, she kind of put him on a shelf and would only use him when she needed something…they just grew apart I guess is the best way to say it. But she has encouraged us from the beginning and she is one awesome friend of mine, it’s weird I know.

    So basically, there really isn’t one thing that ends a marriage…but I can tell you, people don’t work at it anymore, they just give up too quickly, however that isn’t you! You my dear might want to consider giving up for your own sanity and for your kids. I’m sorry if I’m not wording this better, but you have tried so hard, again and again. It’s time he puts in some solid effort! You can’t keep putting yourself through this again and again, it’s hurting you so bad. I can see it each time you post and I’m sure your kids are seeing it too. Trust me…staying in the relationship for the kids is not how to make one work. You can’t keep holding on to the person your husband used to be, you need to accept who he has become and he needs to change or be gone. I know how hard addiction is, I struggled with it before (I don’t talk about it), but he has to WANT to change, truly WANT it, and right now he doesn’t. He would work harder if he did. You have spent so much time, energy, and money to help him change and he’s not doing it. If he truly wanted to change, he would put in the effort to do so.

    Take care and e-mail me if you ever need to talk. our24yearagegap@yahoo.com

  7. Hubby and I strongly believe in the institution of marriage, and not in our wildest dreams did we ever think we would find ourselves in the middle of a divorce. Because divorce was never an option (in the past) hubby felt he could get away with living a life-style, which was acceptable before marriage, after we got married. I filed for divorce because I could no longer continue living in a sexless marriage. Because I could no longer deal with hubby giving his mother majority of his paycheck and bring home pennies, depending on me financially. Because my dreams, desire and needs were never his priority, but sports, TV, parties, drinking and misbehaving was. Because of his lack of experience with women, I had to teach him EVERYTHING, including basic respect for other human beings. He refused to understand me, to grow us, to think long term.

    Don’t get me wrong, hubby is good man, and he loved me dearly. However, when life gets real love isn’t the only thing that matters. Trust, understanding, common goals, passion, drive, ambition, respect, duty, honor … these things become very important. I had none of that with hubby, just love.

    At the end, I had become a very different woman, dark, sad, depressed, over-weight, not driven, lost, bitchy, suicidal and just a loser overall. Hubby didn’t do that to me, I did it to myself by trying to save my marriage over and over again. I realized I had 2 options, stay with hubby and potentially kill myself or go against everything I (we) believe in and give life another shot. I gave life another shot – ALONE.

    Today I am free, and I am so happy. Life happened to me the day I asked him to leave. Work, money, freedom, sex, friends, happiness, balance, control of my own dreams, desires and needs … I’m finally living again. Yes I miss hubby a lot, and I’m ok with it. Time heals all wounds, I have plenty of time now.

    -Empress

    • GOOD FOR YOU!!!! I know how hard that must have been. I can’t seem to take that step. My issue is I think he’d wind up dead. Truly. Its so hard. I am so glad you feel better and listened to your heart. I’m proud of you.

  8. When the bad moments far exceed the good moments, and you know it won’t change, and you just can’t take it anymore, after a long time of struggling. When there is no will to change from his side, and you feel you struggle alone. When you feel like it’s destroying you. Then it’s time to leave. And after a short time of grief, the relief is amazing.

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