38 years. Woo-fucking-hoo!

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In bed.  Alone.  Reading. Blogging. Trying to figure out my life.

My mom has my kids.

Happy Birthday to me.

Depressing.

Thus far, 38 sucks.

I want to go out.

Dance.

Laugh.

Smile.

Enjoy a couple glasses of wine.

Take a walk in downtown Denver.

Feeling fall.

Forget everything.

Accompanied by someone fun.

Someone of the opposite sex.

With no intentions other than making me smile.

oh, and laugh.

And forget all the shit in my life right now.

Why a guy?  Well, they are not full of drama and bullshit.  I have a ton of friends but none I feel like I can really TALK to.  When I was growing up all my friends were guys.  Not because I was a whore, (oh like some of  you HER haters think) but because I was a tomboy.  I played sports.  Yeah I had a couple girlfriends but I had a ton of guy friends.  Nothing was gossipy, nothing was backstabbing.  I want that kind of guy friend again.   The one that nothing EVER would happen with because he was more like a brother.   There to make you laugh.  There to have your back.  There to bring you ice cream on your birthday and you didn’t want to do anything but stay in bed and cry.  I don’t want sex.  I need a friend.  More than email.  More than phone calls.  That is why I liked HIM so much I think.  It wasn’t (like I’ve said a million times) JUST the sex.  So I want what I had with HIM, minus the sex, and minus the wife.

And then there was this:

The best part of my birthday was waking up before six, walking to the bathroom and hearing my five year old son from his room in his raspy morning voice say, “happy birthday mommy.”  Hands down best part of my day.  I asked him how he knew?  He said his sister told him when they were going to bed last night.   I hugged him, walked into the bathroom and cried.  How can he just fuck up this family like this?

Happy Birthday to me.

 

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If you notice…

that I un-follow you and right away re-follow you, its because I want to keep your blogs at the top of my “blogs that inspire me list”, as I follow blogs, my favorite blogs move down and will eventually go away and I want my favorites to always stay on top ish.   In no order.  Just so you know!  :0)

Gotta <3 Tim McGraw!

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“My Best Friend”

I never had no one
I could count on
I’ve been let down so many times
I was tired of hurtin’
So tired of searchin’
‘Til you walked into my life
It was a feelin’
I’d never known
And for the first time
I didn’t feel alone

You’re more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
I don’t know where I’d be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You’re my best friend
You’re my best friend, oh yeah

You stand by me
And you believe in me
Like nobody ever has
When my world goes crazy
You’re right there to save me
You make me see how much I have
And I still tremble
When we touch
And oh the look in your eyes
When we make love

You’re more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
And I don’t know where I’d be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You’re my best friend
You’re my best friend

You’re more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
And I don’t know where I’d be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You’re my best friend

Oh its so much easier said than done…

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Some of your comments on my last post are ringing true to my recent thoughts.  I’m so ready to leave.   To the point of looking at houses and looking at my finances.  Luckily, (and I’m not bragging), I make good money.  I don’t let what I make go to my head because I understand and respect that anything can happen.  Can I afford to live on my own?  I have before, and I made at that time less.  So yes.  What is it that I am hung up on?

Hope.

The hope he will get better.

Faith.

Faith he will change.

Fear.

Oh God, am I scared to walk away.  Still see him laying in a ditch.   I’d rather live unhappy than have my kids think he died b/c I left.

And lets not lie.  When he is clean, when he is focused, he is a good man.  He is funny and kind and loving and amazing.

But the good is starting to outweigh the bad.

Being with HIM (as shitty as it sounds) helped.  Helped me feel whole. Wanted. Needed. Adored. Appreciated. Loved.  Happy.

So do know I am thinking about it.  And usually when I am thinking about something I am close to acting.

‘Being Her’ is drowning.

woman_in_water

Caring for an addict and missing a married man.

No one knows.

No one can possibly know.

How it feels.

How it hurts.

How its all you can think about.

To wish you could just go back.

Start over and change things.

Either the same story, skipping the bad parts or skip the whole story all together.

Crying when no one is looking.

Longing for something you just can’t have.

Watching someone treat someone so badly that you want to adore.

Living with someone that doesn’t respect you or himself.

HIS wife and my husband don’t know what is standing right in front of them.

I’m far from perfect but I’m right here!  Right here wanting to be loved.  Wanting to be adored and wanting to be treated the way HE treated me.  HE didn’t do anything other than respect me and treat me like someone that was very important to him.  Talked to me.  Asked me how I was.  Laughed with me.  Turned me on.  Aroused me.  If I would have only knew the last time I saw HIM was going to be the last time I’d see him, I would have hugged him tighter, kissed him longer and told him to make sure he knew exactly what he meant to me.

My husband is in bed.

Kidney stones.

I’ve seen the blood.

Heard the moans.

Seen that he can’t cum or pee.

I’ve lost all concern.  Because everyone that does have concern gives him pills.

Now he is in bed for what has been days.

As I’m being a mom, and doing life.

He has missed three days of work.

His doctor is a dumbass and prescribes before treating.

This is my fucking life.

My husband is an addict and the man I love is married.

Fuck my life.

Of course you all know this.  Its just ever so clear to me that nothing is going to change.  I’m sick of feeling sad.

I stepped back and realized what I’ve been doing.

I threw a TON of things into my life to cover the bad.

I have kids.  A business.  I’m a full time student.   I am on the board of my kids’ school.

I am a coach to a softball team.

And thats just the start of it.  I realize every time I get sad or down I add something else to my plate.  Trying to make NO TIME to think about it.   However, what is happening is for the first time ever I have been sick four times this year and I am getting horrible stress headaches.  I need to fix the problem VS covering it up.

I don’t even know where to start.

Unforgettable

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Unforgettable
That’s what you are,
Unforgettable
Tho’ near or far.

Like a song of love that clings to me,
How the thought of you does things to me.
Never before
Has someone been more…

Unforgettable
In every way,
And forever more
That’s how you’ll stay.

That’s why, darling, it’s incredible
That someone so unforgettable
Thinks that I am
Unforgettable, too.

Unforgettable
In every way,
And forever more
That’s how you’ll stay.

That’s why, darling, it’s incredible
That someone so unforgettable
Thinks that I am
Unforgettable, too.

(Nat King Cole)