Uncomfortably Speechless and Far From Perfect.


So I have been thinking about this post for about two weeks.  What I wanted to say.  What I really felt.  How to NOT sound like a hypocrite.  After a full few weeks I have come up with bits and pieces I am going to throw together and see where I come out.

So about two weeks ago my husband and I are both in bed.  He is watching TV and I am multi-tasking like always.  I have my phone, I have my laptop, I am holding my book but I am jumping in and out of the program he has on.  Yes, I probably have a tad bit of ADD.  Anyway, the show cuts to a commercial and this is the commercial:



First of all. I was INSTANTLY uncomfortable.

Second, (and don’t ask why), the words, “ARE YOU F UCKING KIDDING ME?”  Came out of my mouth.

Now lets start this post with my response.

I said Are you fucking kidding me.  I said it as if I was shocked.  Speechless.  Floored.  That people WOULD have an affair!!!  OMGosh what is this world coming to?!?!?  Who would do that?  Who in their right mind would pick up a laptop and log on?  Well CLEARLY enough people that the company can afford to make a commercial. AND wait.  ummm yeah me, I ummm yeah had an affair.

Thing is.  Here is where I though a lot about this post.   Just because “I” had an affair doesn’t mean “I” think its right.  I don’t.  I love weddings and marriages and being faithful and adore wedding vows.  I do.  (NO REALLY I DO).   I also however know I am human.   I was so lonely. I know being lonely doesn’t make anything right.  You hear people who have affairs say they are not sure how it happened but that it just did.  AND IT DOES.  Something makes you log on.  Something makes you post an add, (as I did) saying you just want to talk to someone… someone in your same boat.   That loneliness, that feeling of being unwanted or unappreciated.  That DESIRE to have and feel butterflies again.  I was raised right.  I know right from wrong.  I go to church and believe in God.  I also know I am not perfect.  However the part of this situation that was so,  ummmm well… interesting, (for lack of a better word) is when I said, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I turn my head and see my husband looking at me with his jaw dropped open, followed by an eye rolling that was over dramatic.

“WHAT?” is all that could come out of my mouth.

He mutters “I’d love to see the hell this commercial would raise in THEIR house.”

I immediately say, “WHO”S HOUSE?”  Knowing damn good and well he was talking about HIM and HIS wife.

He said, “don’t act all shocked at the commercial, clearly affairs happen and why wouldn’t a company try and go make money off of it.”

I said, “I’m very aware that affairs “HAPPEN”, I’m shocked that the world has stooped so low as to advertise to have one.  And lets be clear, I didn’t just go log on to a website and sign up to have an affair.’

His response made my blood boil, “Craigslist isn’t a website?”


He shocked says, “well it IS a website”.

I just informed him as I got up and walked out, “it wasn’t like that”.

He quickly tried to add more by following me, “WHAT?!?!?! In the commercial they showed how burned out it was.  How a routine had been found and the life was SUCKED OUT OF THEM, (hello zombies) are you saying we weren’t like that?”

I turned around and snapped, “No we weren’t like that.  I didn’t have a life sucking out of me routine to fall into because your ass wasn’t here and you wanted to go be a fucking Rock Star, remember?  I’m done with this conversation.”

Next I know I am fuming.  A commercial.  Really?

Which brings me to my last point and maybe a long one.

If you google “the other woman’ or “affair” or “mistress” or “infidelity” or “cheating” or “lover” or any word that you can think up that has to do with being unfaithful and in a relationship with a married person or you being married yourself and you click on images you will find three things.

1. (MOST PICTURES) are of women wearing little or nothing looking like a sex crazed whore or pictures of a woman tempting a man or vice versa.

2. A woman crying, (most likely the wife that has been betrayed which again makes me fucking crazy because they never seem to see their role in the big picture and believe me they have one).


3. porn sites.

The reason this makes me crazy is none of the pictures that come up in number one was me.  EVER.  I didn’t show up in a dark alley in a trench coat with nothing on under it.   I didn’t PLAN to have an affair.  It was never JUST about sex.   The ashley madison commercials and the sexy skimpy lace nighties, and the sex  and all that jazz makes me crazy.  Thats not how its starts.  Yeah sex is part of it… when and if you decide to cross that bridge but its laughter and talking and chatting and genuinely caring about someone because someone has forgotten to care about you anymore.

The thing is as MUCH as the commercial shocked and almost offended me, (the me that my father raised, the me the wife I’d hoped to be),  the same amount of the commercial was so relatable.  It made me realize thousands of men and women are unhappy JUST LIKE ME.  Why don’t we end it if were so unhappy?  Because lets be honest.  ITS NOT THAT FUCKING BAD we are all just spoiled fucking brats that want more and want to feel good.  And frankly without sounding like  a spoiled brat, it felt pretty damn good to have someone adore spending time with me.  It felt pretty amazing to see first hand that I could still turn someone on.  It felt nice to have someone talk to you and hold your attention in a conversation.  It felt nice to get messages asking how you were and if you were having a good day. And I’m not going to lie, all of the above made the sex fucking amazing.  But then something happens.  Not to everyone.  But It did for me.  I fell for HIM.  I did.  I fell in love with him.  Someone that wasn’t mine.  Someone I had no right to love?  But can we control who we love?  Well that ladies and gentlemen, is a whole  other post.  Who would have thought that one little commercial would make me struggle and relate at the same time?   In my head this post was going to be a lot longer.  I’d say this commercial was on at a time that your kids *COULD* have seen it… 9pm ish.  Wow.  Just speechless at a very real reality.

Yeah and like my husband said, this probably wouldn’t be a good commercial for HER to see. Especially as they are sitting in bed together watching TV.   AHEM.

13 thoughts on “Uncomfortably Speechless and Far From Perfect.

  1. I actually have to agree with your husband for the most part. Craigslist is basically the beta version of Ashley Madison with less class. I know you probably won’t want to hear that, but let’s face reality here – Craigslist is sleezy. Besides the straight freaks that overwhelm the personals, it is also full of people looking to have affairs and cross boundaries and step outside of their primary relationships. Ashley Madison just classed it up, formalized a place for cheaters, and started charging.

    If I were to hazard a guess, I would think it is the brazenness of an ad like that promoting cheating that was the most shocking. We all know it happens. Millions of people have affairs. Yet it is something to be kept in a closet and not talked about. Morality dictates that since an affair is wrong and a betrayal, it should carry a certain amount of shame and guilt and secrecy. AM flaunts it, and even has the audacity to say it “brings your marriage to life.” Uhhh… no. It may have brought the woman in the commercial to life, but not her marriage.

    I know, morally, you want to feel BETTER than the people who would go to that site. Even though you engaged in the same base behavior that they are – cheating on your husband. I would guess that inside you feel like because it wasn’t just sex and because your husband is an addict who abandoned you, your situation is different. Although not justified per se, not as outrageous as someone who believes cheating is acceptable and should be aired at 9 pm in a commercial. Except… it’s the same thing when it boils down to it, and affairs are on TV at all times of the day and night in virtually all of the top shows.

    It is a sad commentary on the state of the world, though. We are all spoiled brats for the most part. It’s a depressing reality.

    • true. All of what you say is true. I however know I didn’t log on to have an affair. Where as most people can’t say that when logging on to AM. Yes talking on CL is not innocent, and not right, however I seriously felt separated at the time. Again, not that it makes any of my actions right. I just think AM cut to the chase and cut out all the bullshit. Want to secretly fuck around? Do it here! OH and were gonna charge you… lol Everyone has a different story. Everyone has their side. Everyone is going to justify their actions and reasons. Including me. I just think my grandmother would have had a stroke right then and there had she ever saw that commercial. LOL.

  2. I cringed when I saw that commercial….but my stomach turned when i actually saw someone interview them on one of the daytime talk shows.

    but…..as I say this, I am reminded that I was THE OTHER WOMAN and affairs do happen yet I wouldn’t want it to happen to me, again…..it’s happen too many times.

    That’s why if I have any suspicion I call the girl and let the crazy show, in front of the person I am with.

  3. Societal values! Religious values Your values My values Their values His Values. About the only thing that really bothers me about an affair is the dishonesty…I value honesty. And the Golden rule. I know there’s hurt etc etc, but it stems from breaking one’s promise…which to me seems to be an act of dishonesty or perhaps desperation. And I don’t want to be a hypocrite. If the tables got turned and it was my wife who had cheated, how would I feel…i.e. do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

  4. I learned a long time ago to never say never so I can say I have never had an affair but I can’t say I never will because if you aren’t in the person’s shoes you can’t judge.
    That said my ex was always in Ashley Madison and numerous other dating sites. But it had nothing to do with me or our relationship and everything to do with his sickness. It made me feel unattractive and insecure. I had been an attractive, sexual, sensual woman who loved sex and had no doubt about my ability to keep a man satisfied but putting something sexy on and going out to seduce the man you love and having him say “Be right there” and waking up in the morning with the bed empty beside you is devastating; especially when you check history on the computer and he was watching porn and in dating sites all night instead of coming to bed with me.
    Some people just have sex addictions and are sick. In my mind that is what Ashley Madison is all about. They have a lot more than just your run of the mill affairs. There is every kind of erotica including damn near kiddie porn.
    Personally I can’t see advertising for an affair; just leave. I find it easier to accept that it “just happened” .
    I don’t trust any of these social media sites; my ex was on all of them pretending to be a totally different person leading people on it is do easy for predators now with the internet.

  5. AM has been around for a while. I’ve actually heard Howard Stern read commercials for them on XM. They are quite “out there” and apparently have millions of subscribers.

    But I get what you’re saying though. It’s even worse for me. Whenever the word “affair” comes up in a tv program, I blush if she’s around. I wouldn’t dare watch a movie now with her where an affair was the central theme. The subject is too much of a minefield. I don’t know what she’s thinking. Or what she’ll blurt out. I too have had those spats that seem to come out of nowhere because “it” came up indirectly, forcing one of us to stomp out of the room.

    And yes the subject is everywhere around us.

    It’s uncomfortable, to say the least. But I guess it goes with the territory.

  6. My H and I were just talking about how this culture we live in doesn’t respect marriage enough. People don’t mind blatantly disrespecting someone else’s (or their) marriage. Marriage needs a PR rep or an agent. Anyway, I am disgusted to see that commercial. I’d forgotten the company existed until now.

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