Laying there unable to sleep.


I’m in bed.  Thinking of  you.  missing you.  I’ve had two glasses of wine which makes me far from drunk but relaxed enough to know what I want and long for.  I want you.  I want to fall asleep each night next to you and wake up each morning in the same place.  I want to fall asleep to your breathing and wake up to your kisses or kissing you.  I don’t know how I’ve gone this long without you.  I’ve never wanted anything more.  I’d change everything if I knew no one would get hurt.  I just can’t bring myself to hurt others for my selfish reasons.  I love you.  More than I’ve ever loved.  But not enough to uproot your/my children.  I truly think if it was just our spouses, I’d fight for you.  I’m not settling.  I’m just letting the kids have their happy ever afters instead of me.  I love you.  So much it hurts sometimes,.  Nights like this when he’s sleeping and I did all the work for dinner, homework, and bedtime.  Nights like this when I’m incredibly lonely.  Nights like this when I miss seeing the moon with you next to me.  Nights like this when I could deal with this because I was seeing you soon.  Nights like this when I didn’t care that he went to bed at 7:30 because I had you.  Nights like this that I didn’t mind him forgetting to tell me he loved me because I knew you did.   I hope you are having a good evening and that you are getting a chance to relax.   Goodnight.  Oh how I wonder how you’ve been and what you are doing.


10 thoughts on “Laying there unable to sleep.

  1. sigh…the last time i looked at the clock last night was 2:48am…6:30am was a hard wake up today. you wrote the words that lay scattered on my brain and refused to be swept into a tidy arrangement for me to share…so thank you..and i am sorry.. i know exactly where you are, how hung over you feel from emotional excess and being unable to purge it away.i hate i feel every single word like it was stitched on my heart with rusted barbed wire.

  2. I am right there in the middle of that pain with you. Knowing you will never fully have what you want. Having to live a lie no one else can share. Being alone drowning in your anguish. Pretending you will be okay.

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