Laying there unable to sleep.

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I’m in bed.  Thinking of  you.  missing you.  I’ve had two glasses of wine which makes me far from drunk but relaxed enough to know what I want and long for.  I want you.  I want to fall asleep each night next to you and wake up each morning in the same place.  I want to fall asleep to your breathing and wake up to your kisses or kissing you.  I don’t know how I’ve gone this long without you.  I’ve never wanted anything more.  I’d change everything if I knew no one would get hurt.  I just can’t bring myself to hurt others for my selfish reasons.  I love you.  More than I’ve ever loved.  But not enough to uproot your/my children.  I truly think if it was just our spouses, I’d fight for you.  I’m not settling.  I’m just letting the kids have their happy ever afters instead of me.  I love you.  So much it hurts sometimes,.  Nights like this when he’s sleeping and I did all the work for dinner, homework, and bedtime.  Nights like this when I’m incredibly lonely.  Nights like this when I miss seeing the moon with you next to me.  Nights like this when I could deal with this because I was seeing you soon.  Nights like this when I didn’t care that he went to bed at 7:30 because I had you.  Nights like this that I didn’t mind him forgetting to tell me he loved me because I knew you did.   I hope you are having a good evening and that you are getting a chance to relax.   Goodnight.  Oh how I wonder how you’ve been and what you are doing.

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10 thoughts on “Laying there unable to sleep.

  1. sigh…the last time i looked at the clock last night was 2:48am…6:30am was a hard wake up today. you wrote the words that lay scattered on my brain and refused to be swept into a tidy arrangement for me to share…so thank you..and i am sorry.. i know exactly where you are, how hung over you feel from emotional excess and being unable to purge it away.i hate i feel every single word like it was stitched on my heart with rusted barbed wire.

  2. I am right there in the middle of that pain with you. Knowing you will never fully have what you want. Having to live a lie no one else can share. Being alone drowning in your anguish. Pretending you will be okay.

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