Caring for an addict and missing a married man.
No one knows.
No one can possibly know.
How it feels.
How it hurts.
How its all you can think about.
To wish you could just go back.
Start over and change things.
Either the same story, skipping the bad parts or skip the whole story all together.
Crying when no one is looking.
Longing for something you just can’t have.
Watching someone treat someone so badly that you want to adore.
Living with someone that doesn’t respect you or himself.
HIS wife and my husband don’t know what is standing right in front of them.
I’m far from perfect but I’m right here! Right here wanting to be loved. Wanting to be adored and wanting to be treated the way HE treated me. HE didn’t do anything other than respect me and treat me like someone that was very important to him. Talked to me. Asked me how I was. Laughed with me. Turned me on. Aroused me. If I would have only knew the last time I saw HIM was going to be the last time I’d see him, I would have hugged him tighter, kissed him longer and told him to make sure he knew exactly what he meant to me.
My husband is in bed.
I’ve seen the blood.
Heard the moans.
Seen that he can’t cum or pee.
I’ve lost all concern. Because everyone that does have concern gives him pills.
Now he is in bed for what has been days.
As I’m being a mom, and doing life.
He has missed three days of work.
His doctor is a dumbass and prescribes before treating.
This is my fucking life.
My husband is an addict and the man I love is married.
Fuck my life.
Of course you all know this. Its just ever so clear to me that nothing is going to change. I’m sick of feeling sad.
I stepped back and realized what I’ve been doing.
I threw a TON of things into my life to cover the bad.
I have kids. A business. I’m a full time student. I am on the board of my kids’ school.
I am a coach to a softball team.
And thats just the start of it. I realize every time I get sad or down I add something else to my plate. Trying to make NO TIME to think about it. However, what is happening is for the first time ever I have been sick four times this year and I am getting horrible stress headaches. I need to fix the problem VS covering it up.
I don’t even know where to start.