‘Being Her’ is drowning.

woman_in_water

Caring for an addict and missing a married man.

No one knows.

No one can possibly know.

How it feels.

How it hurts.

How its all you can think about.

To wish you could just go back.

Start over and change things.

Either the same story, skipping the bad parts or skip the whole story all together.

Crying when no one is looking.

Longing for something you just can’t have.

Watching someone treat someone so badly that you want to adore.

Living with someone that doesn’t respect you or himself.

HIS wife and my husband don’t know what is standing right in front of them.

I’m far from perfect but I’m right here!  Right here wanting to be loved.  Wanting to be adored and wanting to be treated the way HE treated me.  HE didn’t do anything other than respect me and treat me like someone that was very important to him.  Talked to me.  Asked me how I was.  Laughed with me.  Turned me on.  Aroused me.  If I would have only knew the last time I saw HIM was going to be the last time I’d see him, I would have hugged him tighter, kissed him longer and told him to make sure he knew exactly what he meant to me.

My husband is in bed.

Kidney stones.

I’ve seen the blood.

Heard the moans.

Seen that he can’t cum or pee.

I’ve lost all concern.  Because everyone that does have concern gives him pills.

Now he is in bed for what has been days.

As I’m being a mom, and doing life.

He has missed three days of work.

His doctor is a dumbass and prescribes before treating.

This is my fucking life.

My husband is an addict and the man I love is married.

Fuck my life.

Of course you all know this.  Its just ever so clear to me that nothing is going to change.  I’m sick of feeling sad.

I stepped back and realized what I’ve been doing.

I threw a TON of things into my life to cover the bad.

I have kids.  A business.  I’m a full time student.   I am on the board of my kids’ school.

I am a coach to a softball team.

And thats just the start of it.  I realize every time I get sad or down I add something else to my plate.  Trying to make NO TIME to think about it.   However, what is happening is for the first time ever I have been sick four times this year and I am getting horrible stress headaches.  I need to fix the problem VS covering it up.

I don’t even know where to start.

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16 thoughts on “‘Being Her’ is drowning.

      • They will get over it quicker than you will.
        He might manipulate them to be that way too.
        Talk to someone. My sister went through this.
        Maybe he will live separately but I think he is too selfish.

      • I have been there standing in the door way with kids crying in the hallway. I have slept in my truck out in the driveway just so they knew where I was. I have watched my HER move on and find another new toy, destroy another marriage including her own. I have watched my wife have childish tantrums over things as trivial as a cup of coffee.

        I have shared and paralleled yours for quite sometime and I appear to be in pretty much the same place you are. Trapped. Scared. Lonely.

        It doesnt get any easier love. It only gets worse.

        This may be the worst pep talk in history but its at least honest.

        My guess, and I am just guessing, would be to start with the things you cant live without. Focus on those very few things and they will sustain you

  1. ..he is an addict..never mind about anything else..nothing else matters..HE is an addict. he is not your child, he is not your partner, he is not your lover, he is not your companion, he is not your friend.
    he is ONLY someone who fathered your children and they are being exposed to living with an ADDICT.
    both your kids AND you have to start attending NA meetings..get support, talk to other people living with this and like this. you need a plan from someone outside of your situation and you are in the middle of it and can’t see out of it.
    Filling up every single moment will swamp you and you are starting to feel the tole. Its time to save yourself so you can save your children or what their father is doing to himself is going to be passed onto YOUR children.
    You KNOW its your biggest fear..that they will not just see it but be impacted by it..and if you do nothing then you will blame yourself. do SOMETHING. Them crying is nothing compared to what will happen if they decide to follow daddy’s footsteps.

  2. I’m so sorry 😦 You are in my prayers. I also drown myself so I have no time to think about the problems that are in front of me. Although it never really helps, I don’t know how to stop or cope any other way. Again…. hugs & prayers to you, my dear!

  3. Hey, I’m still here if you need me. I listen well and will never complain, even if the story is the same ever time.

    I can’t say I know how you feel, because I don’t, but I do know how it feels to not have the man you love in your life! It’s hard. And I understand adding things to keep yourself busy, to keep your mind busy, I do it too. I work practically every single day, many of the times for 24 hour shifts just to stay “busy”. It never seems like enough.

    What I do know is…when your kids cry it’s a hurt I experienced growing up, and FINALLY my parents split. It hurt bad at first, then I realized how much more peaceful my life was becoming, how much better life was getting. Sometimes doing something for the kids isn’t always the right decision, it hurts at first, just like a bandaid, but putting it off drags out that pain. Sometimes it’s best to just “get it over with” (for lack of better wording), one day your kids will understand, I promise!

  4. My heart goes out to you. But you do have a choice to change your situation. It might not be the choices you’d prefer, and it might be tough, but it’s choices. And from how you describe it, your responsibility is not the least to yourself! How can you help your children if you don’t care for yourself? The man you married is not your responsibility anymore.

  5. Pingback: the 2013 Nominees – Best Poetry/Spiritual Healing Post | Kendall F. Person, thepublicblogger

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