38 years. Woo-fucking-hoo!

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In bed.  Alone.  Reading. Blogging. Trying to figure out my life.

My mom has my kids.

Happy Birthday to me.

Depressing.

Thus far, 38 sucks.

I want to go out.

Dance.

Laugh.

Smile.

Enjoy a couple glasses of wine.

Take a walk in downtown Denver.

Feeling fall.

Forget everything.

Accompanied by someone fun.

Someone of the opposite sex.

With no intentions other than making me smile.

oh, and laugh.

And forget all the shit in my life right now.

Why a guy?  Well, they are not full of drama and bullshit.  I have a ton of friends but none I feel like I can really TALK to.  When I was growing up all my friends were guys.  Not because I was a whore, (oh like some of  you HER haters think) but because I was a tomboy.  I played sports.  Yeah I had a couple girlfriends but I had a ton of guy friends.  Nothing was gossipy, nothing was backstabbing.  I want that kind of guy friend again.   The one that nothing EVER would happen with because he was more like a brother.   There to make you laugh.  There to have your back.  There to bring you ice cream on your birthday and you didn’t want to do anything but stay in bed and cry.  I don’t want sex.  I need a friend.  More than email.  More than phone calls.  That is why I liked HIM so much I think.  It wasn’t (like I’ve said a million times) JUST the sex.  So I want what I had with HIM, minus the sex, and minus the wife.

And then there was this:

The best part of my birthday was waking up before six, walking to the bathroom and hearing my five year old son from his room in his raspy morning voice say, “happy birthday mommy.”  Hands down best part of my day.  I asked him how he knew?  He said his sister told him when they were going to bed last night.   I hugged him, walked into the bathroom and cried.  How can he just fuck up this family like this?

Happy Birthday to me.

 

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42 thoughts on “38 years. Woo-fucking-hoo!

  1. I can almost guarantee this will be the worst birthday you’ll have to face. It’s just timing, emotion and an uphill climb given the circumstances. My ex told me she had filed for a divorce on my 40th birthday. At the time, I was devastated. Within a year, I had gotten myself together and moved on with my life in a direction I never dreamed could bring as much happiness as it has. In retrospect, it was the best present I could have received. Well, other than every birthday I’ve had since then 😉

    Hang in there. Your children obviously love you very much. Whatever else you may feel, you’ve done that part very right.

    Cheers to you and the better birthdays to come.

  2. Happy Birthday! You can make this a monumental year!
    It is never too late to be happy, to change a situation that is definitely not working no matter how much you lie to yourself.
    I had to ask myself these questions not long ago and I am going to ask you the same ones.
    1. How much longer are you going to let someone else dictate how and when you are happy?
    2. Why do you keep repeating history and expecting different outcome?
    3. Will I ever find happiness the way my life is right now?
    4. What am I afraid of?
    5. What can I do to take back control of my happiness?

    I understand missing “him” because he gave youba reprieve from a life you hate without you having to change anything or make any big decisions all on your own.

    Now please don’t be offended, I am not attacking you, you don’t even have to approve this comment if you don’t want to. I just wanted to say, years fly by and before you know it you will be 48 and alone in your bed on your birthday.
    “he” is not going to make you happy; you are going to make you happy, you just have to want it and believe you deserve it. You have to believe in yourself and stop believing in someone else who is only going to disappoint you.

    Take responsibility for your own happiness and believe in your right to be happy and you will have more male “friends” than you know what to do with. “HE is not the only man you can find attractive.
    Good luck…… Make this one count!
    Hugs
    Carrie

  3. Kind of reminds me of my birthday this year. I had to call and invite a few friends to join me for dinner or I would have been alone for my 50th. I feel your pain.

  4. Simply saying happy birthday seems pointless so I have decided to try and come up with something more poignant. Unfortunately, I am failing.

    So , I decided you need a laugh and with your birthday being this close to Halloween I have a great joke.

    There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a costume party… Then he had a bright idea.
    When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there wearing only underwear.
    “What the hell are you supposed to be?” asked the host.
    “A premature ejaculation,” said the man. “I just came in my underpants!”

  5. Oh happy birthday! Truly. I was in Denver to meet “him” and had free time. I wish we knew one another…I would have taken you out to dinner at the Capitol Grill instead of my gf who had no idea why I was really in the mile high city those 26-hours! Chin up birthday girl {hugs}

  6. Hope your day improved for you. Your son’s comment must have been just PERFECT for you. I miss my kids calling me “Daddy…” I’m “Dad” now…. they are too cool to add the “y” at the end…

  7. Belated happy birthday! If it’s any consolation I’ve been there, done that. Several years ago my whole family had called me for my bd BEFORE 6:30 a.m. So hubby decides to play a trick and not tell me hb. I left for work while he was in the rr. He raced to catch up to me- too little, too late.

  8. I have nothing to say except HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY… and please, please, take care of yourself! The way it sounds like you have thousands of things which take up your time, remember to breath, and listen to the voice inside. No, this is not some spiritual mumbo jumbo, but all about self preservation and listening to the signals from your body and mind before you get a burnout. I wish you a wonderful 38th year which might be the turning point in your life. Perhaps. If you take the leap and allow it to be. 🙂

  9. Happy belated birthday! I am just now getting to this post – I swear I was following you – it seems that i am not – or i was and somehow i un-followed – which makes no sense unless i tapped that little part of my screen on the i-phone by accident. oy – anyways, i have remedied the situation. I hope you had a nice birthday. i can understand so much of what you are feeling.

  10. Your situation rings so true for me. Seems like I live that over and over these days. Brighter days are ahead I do believe….somehow.

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