“Tell me Being Her, What do I do?”

 

Uhhhh.   Ummmmm.  Uhhhhh.  

As my heart sinks for them.  I’ve been getting a lot of emails lately.  From people that find themselves in my same boat and most of them ask through tears, “What do I do?”

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OMG DO I WISH I KNEW WHAT TO TELL ALL OF YOU!!!   IT SUCKS!  IT HURTS.  IT FEELS IMPOSSIBLE.  IT FEELS LIKE YOU CAN’T BREATHE AND LIKE YOU ARE GETTING TOO MUCH OXYGEN ALL AT THE SAME TIME!  Your head hurts.  Your heart is breaking.  Your eyes can’t cry anymore one second and find a new well the next.  I know.  My suggestions seem stupid probably but talk.  Write.  Email me.  Start a blog.  Get those feelings out.   It is such a lonely place to be.  It’s hard to find sympathy when what you did was wrong.  And none of you have to explain to me that you feel bad that it started that you had no idea it would take off or where it would end up going because I know that too.  Yes, I used to be the judging woman that would look down on men, (or women), who had affairs.  images-1

That is until you squeeze your foot into that shoe.  Somehow walking in that shoe that isn’t yours, it becomes proper fitting and kicks up a little heel to make you feel sexy.  Damn shoes!   My blog in the beginning was almost pathetic.  I was so broken.  Sad.  Lonely.  I had to be okay when I was around everyone and it was so hard to do.  I’d go to the bathroom or bedroom and shut the door, and just sob.  Shaking silently.  Knowing the happiest I’d ever been had officially been cut off and thrown into the ocean.  An ocean that had a wall keeping me from it.  That wall being respect for his wife that I didn’t want to have and respect for myself and him.   Nothing helped.  I started googling things like, “healing from an affair”,  “how to get over the other” anything I could think of.  I found blogs and couldn’t believe how ‘similar’ they all seemed.   I decided to blog then.  OMGosh after each post I felt better.  Still hurting but when I got my words out of my head it helped a little bit.  Each post I felt like I could breathe just a tad more.   Then I felt like I could read other blogs and start commenting.  Those comments lead me to other readers who then followed my blog and one thing lead to another.  Two years has gone by.  Followers.  Commenters.  Friends. Same boat survivors.  Other men.  Other women.  Husbands and wives that had been cheated on.  Yeah some people didn’t like me and let me know it but they were so small in the pool of people who had been there, done that, and were healing from the same thing.   I didn’t feel all alone all of the sudden.  I can’t tell you how much help it is to have one person who gets it.  

Then the craziest thing happened.  People who had been cheated on started reading my blog and they would comment things like, “I don’t agree with your choices but your posts are helping me see that the other woman is human and why my husband may have done what he did.”  Or, “I’m understanding more of how my wife may have felt when she decided to have an affair.  I can see the things I did after reading your blog that may have made her feel unwanted or unloved.”    Not that any reason makes an affair okay but I realized I was making people see I wasn’t a whore.  Which trust me some people called me and still do.  And you just have to remind yourself of your prior person that hadn’t worn that shoe yet.    images-2

One day the situation might show up where they are cramming their fat little feet in those shoes.  :0)   Yes I can say the mean people on my blog have fat feet.   LMAO.   No, all jokes aside it is not something you can heal from alone.  I don’t care if you start a blog or comment on blogs.  I don’t care if you don’t want to blog at all and just decide to email me.  Just do something.  Write.  Get it out.  Smart phones have journal apps that require pass words.  I promise if you make an effort to write everyday if even two sentences, it slowly will get better and stop hurting so much.  Trust me there are still hard days.  Days that a song, smell, place or quote, (Your killin’ me smalls), will sting causing you to blink back the tears.  But the sobbing behind bedroom doors will slowly become  opening doors with great memories of someone you will never forget. 

Keep in mind, “if the shoe fits” and you find out you are human, and have made a choice that you regret or will never regret, Make sure the shoes are cute because the shoe needs to be a learning experience, and most likely you will wear them longer than a week.  images-3

And one day, you should be able to slip them off and pass them on to one of the women that was so quick to judge you prior.  Maybe you’ll give them away, maybe you’ll keep them on, or maybe like me you’ll put them on the shelf because getting rid of them would mean HE is a part of your past and you aren’t ready to admit that yet. 

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Same boat, different day.

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Some days are sunny, some are quite stormy.   I find myself reading emails from people I have never met all over the world in situations similar yet different like I was in.  They are in tears.  They are confused.  They are on all sides- either the other or the spouse.  It doesn’t surprise me how many people fall into this situation when you find out and realize how easy it can start.  It shocks me the amount of ‘reasons’ people make the decision to have an affair.  Lack of sex.  Lack of communication.  Addiction.  Loneliness.  Abuse.  There are so many reasons and I have heard them all.  I’ve heard the stories that someone didn’t know he or she was married and they found that out on their own.  I like when others email me.  I am a very social person and I love to email back and forth.  I love being someone who is here for others who are going through this nightmare, (yes its a nightmare).  I wish I would have had someone to talk to.  There is no middle place when having an affair.  You are either on an extreme high or severe low.   I was ecstatic with HIM and miserable with my husband.  There was no so so.  I always suggest to these people going through this to blog.  Blogging has been such an amazing help!  You get the people to talk to that say, “I know how bad it hurts, I have been there!” And you get the other people that help you realize that there are so many who get hurt in this act.  Blogging opens your eyes to all sides of a situation.  Sometimes you need help from others to see those sides.   I am not yet at a place to say I wish it never happened, because I don’t feel that way.  I think I learned a lot about love and feelings and emotions and myself.   I think I learned a lot about what I want and what I deserve.  I think I learned a lot about how I should be treating my husband based on how she treated her husband.  I think I learned a lot about limits and respect.   I think I learned a lot about where innocent conversation CAN go and how easily it can become not so innocent.  I realized how an affair can end as quickly as it starts.  I for sure learned how many people an affair can affect.  This almost four years has taught me so very much.  If you find yourself in this boat my suggestion would be to row to calm waters and just think, read, write and have conversations with people who have been there and done that.  Every boat is the same, and floating in the same waters,  You are either going to make it to solid land or sink.  Take the advice of others and learn to swim.  While sinking or coming to shore you should know how to float with or without your ‘so called boat’.

You can’t always get what you want

Waiting For That Day
George Michael

So every day I see you in some other face
They crack a smile, talk a while
Try to take your place
My memory serves me far too well

I just sit here on this mountain thinking to myself
You’re a fool boy girl
Why don’t you go down
Find somebody
Find somebody else
My memory serves me far too well

It’s not as though we just broke up
It’s not as though it was yesterday
But something I just can’t explain
Something in me needs this pain
I know I’ll never see your face again

C’mon now
I’ve got to be strong now

Now everybody’s talking about this new decade
Like you say the magic numbers
Then just say goodbye to
The stupid mistakes you made
Oh my memory serves me far too well

Don’t you know that
The years will come and go
Some of us will change our lives
Some of us still have nothing to show
Nothing baby
But memories

And if these wounds
They are self-inflicted
I don’t really know
How my poor heart could have protected me
But if I have to carry this pain
If you will not share the blame
I deserve to see your face again

C’mon now
You don’t have to be so strong now
Come back

Come back to me darling
I will make it worth your while
Come back to your baby
I miss your kiss
I miss your smile
Seems to me the peace I search to find
Ain’t going to be mine until you say you will
Don’t you keep me waiting for that day
I know, I know, I know
You hear these words that I say

You can’t always get what you want

Oh where or where has the author gone… Oh where oh where can she be?

I’m  here.   I’ve been so sick.  I swear I’ve been sick for two weeks.  I still have an ear infection that will not respond to antibiotics.  Crazy!  I’m trying to stay positive and not complain.

So I got an email from someone and I don’t ever talk about the emails I receive because I respect the things you guys tell me when we have conversations back and forth.  But I can share her story without giving it away because it has SOOOO much in common with so many emails I have gotten.   She was me in the beginning.  Hated men that cheated.  There was no excuse.  Angry at women who  had affairs with married men.  Well anyway her husband had an affair and after losing most respect for him found herself getting close to someone at work.  She, (as I was), was shocked at how innocently and easily it all started.  Talking, laughing, popping in to the others office to say hello and then wanting to know more about them and ‘planning how’ to bump into them to just have someone to talk to. She said, (like me), she felt safe having this person to talk to because like her HE was married too.   And over time, she grew to care about him and one thing lead to another.  And she said she looked at how judging she was to her husband.  She realized how easily it could start.  She said she originally hated the other woman until she was one.  Funny how that happens.  Like I said never judge because one day it could truly be you.  She said, (AS DID I), that I would never have an affair.  I would never cheat.   And look.  Now we are in the same boat.   I love the emails, and I never speak of them but I have heard this story, this version probably 20 times.  We all say we don’t know how it happens but it just does.    Now what does she do?  I told her to let me know if she figures it out. My suggestions were start a blog, and try TRY to not talk to HIM.  Easier said than done I know.