Same boat, different day.

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Some days are sunny, some are quite stormy.   I find myself reading emails from people I have never met all over the world in situations similar yet different like I was in.  They are in tears.  They are confused.  They are on all sides- either the other or the spouse.  It doesn’t surprise me how many people fall into this situation when you find out and realize how easy it can start.  It shocks me the amount of ‘reasons’ people make the decision to have an affair.  Lack of sex.  Lack of communication.  Addiction.  Loneliness.  Abuse.  There are so many reasons and I have heard them all.  I’ve heard the stories that someone didn’t know he or she was married and they found that out on their own.  I like when others email me.  I am a very social person and I love to email back and forth.  I love being someone who is here for others who are going through this nightmare, (yes its a nightmare).  I wish I would have had someone to talk to.  There is no middle place when having an affair.  You are either on an extreme high or severe low.   I was ecstatic with HIM and miserable with my husband.  There was no so so.  I always suggest to these people going through this to blog.  Blogging has been such an amazing help!  You get the people to talk to that say, “I know how bad it hurts, I have been there!” And you get the other people that help you realize that there are so many who get hurt in this act.  Blogging opens your eyes to all sides of a situation.  Sometimes you need help from others to see those sides.   I am not yet at a place to say I wish it never happened, because I don’t feel that way.  I think I learned a lot about love and feelings and emotions and myself.   I think I learned a lot about what I want and what I deserve.  I think I learned a lot about how I should be treating my husband based on how she treated her husband.  I think I learned a lot about limits and respect.   I think I learned a lot about where innocent conversation CAN go and how easily it can become not so innocent.  I realized how an affair can end as quickly as it starts.  I for sure learned how many people an affair can affect.  This almost four years has taught me so very much.  If you find yourself in this boat my suggestion would be to row to calm waters and just think, read, write and have conversations with people who have been there and done that.  Every boat is the same, and floating in the same waters,  You are either going to make it to solid land or sink.  Take the advice of others and learn to swim.  While sinking or coming to shore you should know how to float with or without your ‘so called boat’.

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26 thoughts on “Same boat, different day.

  1. I love this post! I am nodding along & “mm-hmm”ing as I read! You were one of the first to reach out to me on WordPress – this community has been my salvation. I’m a long, long way from done, but you know… I might just make it thanks to you & others like you who have reached out along my way!

      • I’ve had to privatize my blog – his wife is aware of it & mean streak & a desire for vengeance aside, I don’t really think that she needs to read it… I’m trying to figure out the best way to do this so that no one except the people I want to can follow me… Any tips? I’ll send you an invite if I can’t figure out another way to do this…

  2. Blogging was essential for my health after my affair. It was cathartic and a lifeline. If I didn’t have fellow bloggers and their input I would’ve curled up on a ball, rocking back and forth and bought stock in Kleenex from the flood of tears that came from my eyes.
    It’ll be 4 years since D-Day and new things have shocked me and messed with my healing, so…I continue to write.

  3. Do you mind if I reference your words in my blog tomorrow? I gather that appropriate etiquette is just to put in a ping back, but I’m new to all of this and didn’t want to step on any toes….

  4. Just wanted to say thank you for sharing your blog. I found your blog when one night I just felt at the end of my rope. I found your blog while searching for answers on the internet. Your words gave me peace and helped me start blogging about “this” I had blogged before, but never had the courage to blog about this. It has been a tremendous source of comfort and I just wanted to thank you for putting your story out there, and helping to show me an outlet!

  5. I really like the boat analogy…but one option you left out is “patching the holes” in the said boat. Granted, I’m playing devil’s advocate here…or rather marriage advocate, which would be hypocritical of me, but sometimes fixing things is a viable option for people and they fail to look at that. I know for me, my hole-patching has been superficial, hence I have looked for occasional excursions from the boat. But I know there is a leak, that is unavoidable and the “fixes” are always short-lived and the holes always seem to move to a different location .

  6. Wow. Being the “him” in a new relationship like this. I never thought about how “her” might end up feel down the road. I guess in the early stages, I just don’t think about what happens if we really love each other and then it has to end…. Really changed my mind about this whole thing. Maybe the excitement of it all had me contemptuous of consequences, but I am not now. THANK YOU
    Also, reading through your blog did inspire me to write a bit about what I’m going through. As an experienced “her” that got hurt, I would would love to hear your thoughts on my ramblings. Thanks.

      • OH I don’t know about that…. I think we all want the ‘other sides’ information. I want to know how he felt… what he thought. I know what he told me but I wonder if it was truly only half of the story. I know he loved his wife. I do. He just said since kids things changed. I love my husband too… truly. He just changed and things were, well different. Making it easy to fall for someone. Here is the thing I noticed. I loved HIM so much and didn’t regret my actions when I was angry at my husband. When my husband and I would ‘try again’, I’d feel bad for my actions, but never regret the other man… I cared bout him. Its so complicated.

      • I think I understand the “complicated”, since I have fallen into this situation, it becomes very complicated emotionally. I guess I feel… when my wife hurts me and I become angry, the action that hurt me is itself a betrayal and it becomes easier to justify to myself my actions. Even if the “betrayal” is MUCH smaller than mine. Not sure if you felt/feel that way or not. I know that when we don’t have sex – when she rejects my advances, I feel it as a deep, deep rejection of me – which it may not be. Thanks again Being Her

      • Oh I felt that way for sure. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read the words… “it made my actions feel justified”….. or “I felt my actions were justified because….” I get it… if you ever need someone to talk to that really, (REALLY), understands all sides just shoot me a line…

      • I appreciate your words. I will take you up on your offer. The hardest part of these relationships seems to be the fact that I can’t share with anyone… I don’t want anyone else to find out!!!! Thanks, once again….

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