“Tell me Being Her, What do I do?”

 

Uhhhh.   Ummmmm.  Uhhhhh.  

As my heart sinks for them.  I’ve been getting a lot of emails lately.  From people that find themselves in my same boat and most of them ask through tears, “What do I do?”

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OMG DO I WISH I KNEW WHAT TO TELL ALL OF YOU!!!   IT SUCKS!  IT HURTS.  IT FEELS IMPOSSIBLE.  IT FEELS LIKE YOU CAN’T BREATHE AND LIKE YOU ARE GETTING TOO MUCH OXYGEN ALL AT THE SAME TIME!  Your head hurts.  Your heart is breaking.  Your eyes can’t cry anymore one second and find a new well the next.  I know.  My suggestions seem stupid probably but talk.  Write.  Email me.  Start a blog.  Get those feelings out.   It is such a lonely place to be.  It’s hard to find sympathy when what you did was wrong.  And none of you have to explain to me that you feel bad that it started that you had no idea it would take off or where it would end up going because I know that too.  Yes, I used to be the judging woman that would look down on men, (or women), who had affairs.  images-1

That is until you squeeze your foot into that shoe.  Somehow walking in that shoe that isn’t yours, it becomes proper fitting and kicks up a little heel to make you feel sexy.  Damn shoes!   My blog in the beginning was almost pathetic.  I was so broken.  Sad.  Lonely.  I had to be okay when I was around everyone and it was so hard to do.  I’d go to the bathroom or bedroom and shut the door, and just sob.  Shaking silently.  Knowing the happiest I’d ever been had officially been cut off and thrown into the ocean.  An ocean that had a wall keeping me from it.  That wall being respect for his wife that I didn’t want to have and respect for myself and him.   Nothing helped.  I started googling things like, “healing from an affair”,  “how to get over the other” anything I could think of.  I found blogs and couldn’t believe how ‘similar’ they all seemed.   I decided to blog then.  OMGosh after each post I felt better.  Still hurting but when I got my words out of my head it helped a little bit.  Each post I felt like I could breathe just a tad more.   Then I felt like I could read other blogs and start commenting.  Those comments lead me to other readers who then followed my blog and one thing lead to another.  Two years has gone by.  Followers.  Commenters.  Friends. Same boat survivors.  Other men.  Other women.  Husbands and wives that had been cheated on.  Yeah some people didn’t like me and let me know it but they were so small in the pool of people who had been there, done that, and were healing from the same thing.   I didn’t feel all alone all of the sudden.  I can’t tell you how much help it is to have one person who gets it.  

Then the craziest thing happened.  People who had been cheated on started reading my blog and they would comment things like, “I don’t agree with your choices but your posts are helping me see that the other woman is human and why my husband may have done what he did.”  Or, “I’m understanding more of how my wife may have felt when she decided to have an affair.  I can see the things I did after reading your blog that may have made her feel unwanted or unloved.”    Not that any reason makes an affair okay but I realized I was making people see I wasn’t a whore.  Which trust me some people called me and still do.  And you just have to remind yourself of your prior person that hadn’t worn that shoe yet.    images-2

One day the situation might show up where they are cramming their fat little feet in those shoes.  :0)   Yes I can say the mean people on my blog have fat feet.   LMAO.   No, all jokes aside it is not something you can heal from alone.  I don’t care if you start a blog or comment on blogs.  I don’t care if you don’t want to blog at all and just decide to email me.  Just do something.  Write.  Get it out.  Smart phones have journal apps that require pass words.  I promise if you make an effort to write everyday if even two sentences, it slowly will get better and stop hurting so much.  Trust me there are still hard days.  Days that a song, smell, place or quote, (Your killin’ me smalls), will sting causing you to blink back the tears.  But the sobbing behind bedroom doors will slowly become  opening doors with great memories of someone you will never forget. 

Keep in mind, “if the shoe fits” and you find out you are human, and have made a choice that you regret or will never regret, Make sure the shoes are cute because the shoe needs to be a learning experience, and most likely you will wear them longer than a week.  images-3

And one day, you should be able to slip them off and pass them on to one of the women that was so quick to judge you prior.  Maybe you’ll give them away, maybe you’ll keep them on, or maybe like me you’ll put them on the shelf because getting rid of them would mean HE is a part of your past and you aren’t ready to admit that yet. 

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18 thoughts on ““Tell me Being Her, What do I do?”

  1. It’s always so easy to judge, but putting your self in the proverbial shoes of another takes true courage. I am a flawed and broken person on so many levels, it’s difficult to comprehend on a full level. Long ago, I felt that people choose different paths to a similar destination and sometimes those paths have major problems in the roadway and some paths are perfectly paved and well maintained. But it’s in continuing down the paths that count.

    Great post!

  2. I can totally relate to this post. I spent and still do enormous of time on Google to read anything about the affair and cheating to cope with my situation. I even went to therapist and she suggested diary. And I am glad it lead me to blog. Since blogging, I find myself being less angry, I still I have moments though. I couldn’t agree with you more on everything you said in this post. Thank you.

    • Thank you for following, reading and commenting! I know how hard it is even after you feel like its getting easier. It will never fully go away, and for me, I’m not sure I want it to. I’m so on the fence still about what I wanted to happen.

      • It has been months and I am still struggling. I hope it will go away but I know it’s just a wishful thinking. Times will let you know what you want to happen. It’s never easy even that person had done you wrong. Every situation is different. In a mean time, we will be here reading your journey and be your distance supports.

  3. It was so good to see a post from you today! You are a wild, wise woman. Even though I’m still wearing my shoes (and they ain’t cute like yours, but big old Sorel snow boots rated for minus 60 degrees–I’ve always been a tomboy and He likes that about me!), I do go through the ups and downs you describe–filled with the joy of loving my soulmate at last, and with the rage that he hasn’t left Mrs. Him yet. Please keep posting. Your emails have meant a LOT to me, too.

    • I’m glad you are reading!! Thank you for your emails and following my blog! Boots or heels, sneakers or flip flops… we all are human and have needs. Sometimes the person we need to meet those needs aren’t ideal, but I believe firmly things happen for a reason, and if that reason is to learn things or to know love or to have memories that will never fade, well then thats the reason. All of our situations are different though they are all oddly very similar.

  4. Superb post, beautifully written.

    Although my affair is over and we’re currently having no contact with each other, I still trawl the internet trying to find my ‘guilt’.

    It’s an awful thing to admit, but I just don’t have any. I can’t be alone in that can I?

    • It’s really hard to feel guilty when you were happy. In my case happier than I’ve ever been. Sounds horrible I know, but true for me too. I do feel bad about involving families but not for the feelings we found for each other and where those feelings lead us.

    • I never did feel any guilt; he knew it, we talked about it often. I simply didn’t feel guilty… Whether years of having Catholicism fed to me has made me particularly adept at blocking guilt out, or I legitimately don’t feel it, I’m not sure, but I don’t feel it. The fact of the matter is, I really like who I’ve become/ am becoming, and I can’t see any other path that’d gave brought me here, except this one with him, the good and the bad; it’d seem that I have made the choices that I needed to make to get to where I needed to. Am I sorry that people are hurt? Absolutely. But would I change very much about who I am today? Absolutely not… So, no guilt. For whatever that says about me.

  5. A writer wrote me and wanted her name to not be mentioned:

    She wrote:
    “hello
    I tried to private email you and had a long email all written out and lost it,grrrr I have a love hate with computers.
    I would love the prespective from the ow,because im a bs,im not here to judge,i enjoyed reading your blog,loved your honesty,and you seem like a compassionate person,a little about us me 42 hubby 48 weve known each other 23 years been married for 19,have 2 daughters 24 and 19.
    my husband had a lta and it was a long distance opposite coasts,they met onling playing card games,she bought him an expensive laptop,withing 2 months of playing cards,hadnt even met in person at the time(of course he said it was a work laptop)the worst part for me,is the lying,because this was not characteristics of the man ive known for over 20 yrs,he never lied,but during his affair,it cames so easily for him,i do believe he was going through a mid life crisis,lots of stuff was going on
    we lost a business,a house,a car,my job wasn’t paying well,and he has a stressful job,and we were not communicating at all,i do have lots of blame in the marriage going stagnant,but the difference is I didn’t cheat.
    did have opportunities,but didn’t give into them,but I did give up on the marriage in a way I had other addictions,which were innocent,im a animal rescuer,and for 2 years I went over board,i wanted to save every animal,even if I went over capacity,and paying out lots of my own money for vetting and food(I wasn’t like a hoarder,in the shows)but they took up most of my time,getting up early to walk dogs,clean litterboxes,feed,up through night feeding bottle baby kittens,and go to work,which also involved animals,and come home do it all over again,so they consumed most of my time,because I kinda of knew something was going on with my husband,i even asked him,if he had met someone else,he was angry,i could ask such a thing.
    so I had my life,and he had his but we always got along,laughed together we were best friends,slept in the same room,had sex(maybe not as much as he wanted)so we just lived like this,then june of 2013,i found a card she had sent him,and I called him at work,he came right home,but I was so angry,that when he came home I didn’t want to see his disgusting face,called him every nasty name in the book,so when I wanted to leave I could stand looking at him,he grabbed my arm when I tried to walk out,and I popped him one(I know im against violence no way to handle things,but I did kinda feel good)and I went to my friends house,of course he kept calling,texting begging me to come home.
    when I did finally come home he begged me to take him back,and try to work on our marriage,and he set up counseling for us,and it was like pulling teeth to get me to go,and I didn’t go withan open mind,but the counselor told me not to make any hasty decisions,in my state of mind,but the 6th session I was feeling better,and I realized I did want to work on our marriage.
    now a little about the ow,im sorry if this is all over the place I just write as it comes to mind,when she and my hubby first started communicating,she had told him that she looked me up on fb,and he said really I tried to look her up once,and couldn’t find her,and the ow,said well shes under her maiden name,now we have no idea how she found out my maiden name(very creepy)but then she tells hubby,dont worry her fb is all innocent its all about animal rescue wtf???,and the day my husband told her they would no longer be in contact,i talked to her,she said she was devastated,and now realizes he never did love her,and I was angry at him for stringing her along,cause I realized she was needy,lonely,and my husband was her whole life(really sad)that she had to depend on someone else for your happiness,she even threatened suicide,cause all she needed was to here his voice at least once a day.
    shes 12 years older than me,not attractive at all,and I think shes had a hard life,so I felt really bad for her too,i knew she was hurting,they only saw each other 3 times,it was more emotional(which hurts more)and he told her many things about our life he shouldn’t have.
    anyways,she apologized,and said we would never hear from her again,2 weeks later,i was attacked through email,she had sent me 75 emails,of pics they exchanged,emails,and texts they exchanged,i never responded,this went on for months,and she would text,call and when I would answer she wouldn’t say anything,she even threatened my kids,that pissed me off,i never responded,i had ro change emails,phone numbers go to the police station,to file harassment charges.
    so now I don’t feel bad for her I think shes ugly inside,and out I don’t know why I wanted to share this,i guess to see if this is ow normal behavior,or do you think she might be a little unstable?
    as for me,and hubby we are communicating better,going everywhere together(his idea)im vey independent,but I don’t mind,he even goes shopping with me now,and he hates shopping,going through this hell was like a death in the family.
    I feel bad for everyone in this situation the ww/ow/bs,everyone is human,and nobody is perfect,i wish I could feel this way about the ow in my situation,but she was so full of hate.i pray I can forgive her,not really for her,but for myself
    thanks for reading,and so sorry its so long.”

    I replied:

    “Thank you for your comment. Your story breaks my heart and I don’t care what side you are on I think everyone need to know and hear every side. I have never harassed his wife. I realize what we did to her, I realized it was wrong, I was just so unhappy at home and so happy with him I didn’t ‘think’ about it. It never went away I just tried to ignore it. When she found out she freaked out a bit on my Facebook for some of my friends to see, and for that she had every right. She was hurt and she was angry. Where I got upset was she called my kids. I don’t care how or why or when or for how long any of these adult situations go on, kids should always be off limits. I miss his kids terribly. They were all amazing. Great kids. I am glad to hear you decided to work on your marriage. I’m proud of you. That is very hard. I am disappointed in the way the OW acted in your case. Thats sad. I know how sad and devastated she must have felt, however you have to find a way to your feet and to try and do the right thing. Affairs are great reminders of how we all should be treating each other in relationships. The thing is they are very, very hard to get over when you’ve never ever been that happy before. Right or wrong I had feelings for him. I am human. I am proud of you for trying to forgive her. That shows you are the bigger person. I constantly worry about running into his wife. We live VERY close to each other and our kids go to different schools but they are schools that play each other in different sporting events. Homecoming for example. SCARY. I would love to run into her one on one and apologize for my actions, (though I don’t think she’d hear it, nor do I blame her), I would love to give her the time to just flip out, scream, cry, and let it out all on me. My fear is who will be around me when that occurs. That guilt and shame is there and I don’t want people to think badly of me. Thats because I have never done anything like this. I was the ‘good wife’, proper daughter, honest friend. Whoever is around me if and when I run into her may not think those things of me anymore. I hope they know and love me more than to judge me, but truth is I had an affair with a married man. I fell in love with a man that wasn’t mine to love. There it is. Right there in black and white. Truth is, its grey. Its so complicated. We do things we wouldn’t normally do when we are hurting and lonely. I have dreams where she is caught cheating by me. And I don’t go and run and tell him. I don’t make any more waives in their relationship. What I do tell her in my dream is “SEE, the best, kindest, most loving people can have an affair.” And at that line I walk away from her. Sigh. Hug your husband. I am sure he never through all of this stopped loving you… that isn’t what its about. I loved my husband so so so so much. I just couldn’t take being alone anymore. I needed to feel like someone wanted to talk to me. I wanted to know someone cared to hear me laugh and make me smile. It had nothing to do with sex. Yes sex occurred and we got to that ‘level’ but that wasn’t what it was about in the beginning. The conversation was my drug. Conversation leads to friendship. Friendship leads to caring. Caring leads to feelings. Feelings lead to thoughts. Thoughts lead to actions. Actions lead to mistakes you will never forget but probably *should* have steered away from. Some call me names and say “no matter how many or what feelings you got you should have known right from wrong”, and where that is true it is simply NOT that simple. Sigh. Thank you for reading and commenting. I appreciate your understanding and open mind.

  6. The following comment spoke to me as it is where I’m at:

    ” Maybe you’ll give them away, maybe you’ll keep them on, or maybe like me you’ll put them on the shelf because getting rid of them would mean HE is a part of your past and you aren’t ready to admit that yet.”

    I know in my heart it is over for me as too many things have occurred that I am unable to get past yet those lovely shoes that have put on almost 4 years of mileage remain on the shelf for me to recall the good…bad…ugly and are waiting for me to have the courage to let him know I am done. I’m a coward though…once I tell him it is over it will become a reality that I am just not prepared to face.

    However, I am slowly summoning the courage by rebuilding my scattered life and soon those shoes will make their way to the donation box and surely out of my life.

  7. I loved wearing those shoes, you’re exactly right, they made me feel sexy, smart, desired. The shoes are sitting in their box on my bedroom closet – I’ve no idea when I’ll be prepared to get rid of them. The days are better than they were, and as you said, I am bound and determined that having worn them will be a learning experience, that I’ll come away from my time with them a stronger, more balanced, more authentic version of myself. 🙂 Great post!!!

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