An email I received:

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I asked this emailer  (TKM),  if I could post her email because it moved me SOOO much.  I can relate to it on so many levels and so many feelings.  I have looked into the mirror and just stared at myself wondering who I was and what I’d become.  Looking at my spirit filled numb body.  Realizing when I looked in the mirror after being around my husband and then again after being with HIM how it was like two completely different people standing there… body language and confidence both.  A look of being dead and empty or a look of being alive and fulfilled.  Just based on who I was with.  Let me stop talking… (writing), here is her email.  I’ve never posted email before… I asked her if I could post this and got her permission.  Please don’t think if you email me I will post it or talk about your email.  I NEVER will unless I ask you and get your permission.  Please feel free to comment after reading, I’m sure she would like your comments/thoughts and opinions too!

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I cannot believe I am emailing you.  I don’t even know what it is I am looking for.  My only release is to write and cry at the same time.  Live to see another day, and then do it again. 
This is what I wrote tonight.
 
 
I came upstairs to sit next to my husband.  I watched as he did not even look up to acknowledge me there.  His head bowed as he started intently at his phone playing an online game.  The television blared of the basketball game and I thought to myself, he is quite the multi-tasker of forgettable moments.  I walked away into the restroom.  Stood at the sink and looked at the reflection staring back at me.  Is this my life?  I remembered just 6 days ago my boyfriend made me laugh endlessly over breakfast.  I noticed how he adored my smile, my laugh and stared at me with kind eyes.  He listened to what I had to say and conversed with me displaying interest and understanding.  The topics varied from something to nothing at all. 
 
As I stared into my own eyes in the mirror, stripped of all makeup I remembered that day.  I still can feel the moment as he reached across the table and brushed his fingertips against my cheek, moving a curl from my face so he could look into both of my eyes.  I was looking down at the time and wanted to look up, I wanted to give him the look that moment deserved but instead fear kept me from moving.  I paused in my story, fumbled over my words.  I muttered “I lost my train of thought”.  He laughed “you always do”. 
 
I was afraid to look up at that very moment in fear that I would fall again.  Fall for the man who hurt me twice already.  I had cried for so many days straight and at one time was in a blank zone that I feared returning to that place if I let my guard down.  I wanted to let go more than anything and feel what I felt before.  Feel what I knew he once felt for me as well.  However my heart was over ruled by my mind, once again.  I think of that day and think to myself, what fun times.  But now that’s then, this is now. 
 
I have to be done with this rollercoaster ride.  Deep inside I know what I once meant to him.  I know the mistakes that were made on both ends.  I am also aware of what was real and what was real covered in guilt in fear.  There is nothing to do other than to except it.  I have to respect the place we are at now. Even if for me it is a lonely place.  Deep inside I knew he would do this again.  When I let him in, I knew I would be the one to hurt in the end. 
 
This passive easy way to let me go is still, just that.  It is still, letting me go.  We needed each other for a moment, though I needed more he got his fill.  Perhaps I cured his weakness, calmed his fears and cleared his insecurities and now he leaves with the piece of me that I gave to him, and once again, I stand here alone within a crowded room, invisible.
 
The hardest thing for me is coming to the realization the very thing I need someone to fall for so that my body can feel amazing, is in fact the very thing that ruins my relationships.  Do I blame myself?  Do I blame my past?  Can you blame anything when it has been subconsciously instilled in you to not trust.  I have never met a man who dove deep enough into my soul to kiss away my insecurities, wipe away my fear and show me how to fly.  Am I deserving of love from the opposite sex?  Or am I trophy?  Is my heart ever understood, my mind ever explored?  Do I simply fulfill a purpose for others?  To fix, to heal, to inspire, to believe and at the end of the day as an individual woman, remain alone? 
 
This is torture.  To put myself through such heartbreak and misery is foolish.  But is there truth to the saying “I would rather have loved and lost then to never have loved at all”  I am not speaking of the love that grows in time.  The unconditional, comfortable love.  I am referring to the butterflies that come swarming in your belly, the clouds that fill your mind, the chills you receive when you tell a story of a single moment you had with someone.  Where you toss and turn at night because you can still feel their touch. 
 
I think to myself I should just cry.  Let it out, everything you feel just release.  Then… you need to let it go.  But I know that a thousand tears that stream down my face tonight could never end the pain I feel inside my chest and the hole that fills my stomach when I think of letting go.  I never knew this kind of pain existed…to loose someone that was never yours. 
 
He was my missing piece so that I could continue on and do the right thing in my life.  Although a small piece that I held in my pocket, it was essential for the complete picture.  Without it, I remain, me…as a woman…incomplete. 
 
I stand here stripped, naked in truth.  Bare, with all my flaws to see.  I fell in love.  I fell in love with his mind, his need to be seen, his insecurities, his internal struggle to do the right thing, I fell in love with all that he showed me he was outside of home.  The very core of who we are and what we hold inside often lies in the eyes of our mistress.  They hold our weaknesses and our dreams.  We accept blindly and love childishly without blame, mistakes, resentment or expectations.  It is to give and receive the very best of someone and appreciate it fully.
-TKM
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beautiful.  real.  heartbreaking.  I get it.  I feel it.  I know it.  All too well.
Two things nailed my heart…
” I never knew this kind of pain existed…to loose someone that was never yours
and her last statement:
I fell in love.  I fell in love with his mind, his need to be seen, his insecurities, his internal struggle to do the right thing, I fell in love with all that he showed me he was outside of home.
The very core of who we are and what we hold inside often lies in the eyes of our mistress.  They hold our weaknesses and our dreams.
We accept blindly and love childishly without blame, mistakes, resentment or expectations.  It is to give and receive the very best of someone and appreciate it fully.
Woah.  If we have mind strings, as we do heart strings… this email is pulling on mine….
SOMEONE GETS IT.  SOMEONE HAS FELT WHAT I FEEL.
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Just received an email…

 

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An email saying they, (a blog reader), needed more.  More about what is going on in my life…  my kids, my husband and HIM.   Oh how I’ve been avoiding this.  I’m not even sure why.   If I don’t complain, I don’t have a problem right?  Oh lovely denial.

My kids.  My kids are great.  My kids are my world.  They always have been.  Between school, sports, upcoming graduations, doctor appointments, homework and normal around the house stuff we have been super busy.  My youngest just got over pneumonia two weeks ago.  THAT was scary.  Poor guy… I wished the entire time I could be sick for him.  It broke my heart.  My oldest has started to calm down I hope.  My next one down has signed up for the Navy.  The next two down are in sports and both made honor roll.  And my youngest, will never slow down I’m afraid. :0)  But they make me happy.  Always.

My husband?

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Same ol’ same ol’.  Up and down.  Affectionate, and distant and back again.  My pills haven’t been missing in awhile but then I don’t give him the opportunity anymore.  I’m thinking it has become less of a problem since pot became legal here.  Sigh.  Him and I are such opposites.  I can look at him and just know.  He gets mad and says I”m judging him.  That its legal that I can stop acting like his mom now.   I don’t know, I just don’t feel like I can tell my teenagers, “DONT DO POT” but then he can be as high as a kite.  That and I’m 38 and have never done it.   Oh well it is what it is.  I guess if he is going to be doing something it might as well be that.  I just think it makes you stupid, (I’m not calling anyone who does it stupid, I’m just saying it makes you spacey and out of it and just not the way I choose to be or appear).   Would I rather him do that if he is going to do SOMETHING?  Yes, but I’d rather him do nothing like he did in the beginning.  Our sex life is….. trying to think of the word.  Frustrating.  Still.  He wants sex fairly often but can rarely ‘get it up’ or even more rare, ‘finish’, making it last forever and for those of you guys that think that is AMAZING, trust me as a woman it is NOT.   Especially when you know it is from pills, so when sex starts off okay, it quickly turns into me being annoyed to no end and stopping things because instantly I know he’s done things.   He hasn’t gone back to the band which I am SOOOOOOOOO grateful for.  That was a million more problems than I care to share… drinking and such.  Is he helping with the kids? Yes.  Is he going to work?  Yes.  Has he stopped all his BS?  No.  and that No is a big one.  Has he started to support me in my goals?  Still no.  He has also started this weird thing which I know what it is but I don’t care to admit that to myself but if I am going out…. ANYWHERE,  it could be to the grocery store to get a loaf of bread he wants to have sex RIGHT before I walk out the door.  You know as well as I do, thats to make sure I’m not going to meet HIM.  My husband is still I’m sure worried about HIM.  As he should be.  HIM is a threat.  HIM is something my husband and I are dealing with.  HIM isn’t going to go away because I don’t want HIM to.  My husband will tell you that is as much of his fault as it is mine.

And what about HIM?  We talk by email.  Thats really it.  Yeah its more than what we WERE doing, but its what is happening.  Do I keep it from my husband?  Yes and no.  How jacked is that?  I don’t hold a conversation like, “I emailed HIM today, and he’s doing good, still tells me I’m amazing and he still wishes things were like they used to be.”  I do however fill my schedule, stay busy.  Run my business, teach my CPR classes, go out to dinner with girlfriends and am genuinely happy at the end of the day.   The relationship with my husband has changed so much.  And some of you maybe asking why are we still married?  I don’t know the answer to that.  I know kids aren’t a reason to stay married but I can’t bring myself to put my kids through that if my husband and I can be civil right now.  Right or wrong?  Probably wrong.  But I’m not lying to my husband.  He knows I’m not happy.  He knows I don’t NEED sex, I just want conversation.

As for as the other man goes, he is still married, (In my heart I know that will never change),  because he too wants his kids not to go through divorce. He is a man that regardless of his happiness he will provide for his family.  He would live unhappy forever before any of them suffered.  I know he loves me.  I know I love him, and I know we have both learned to love what we can’t have.   I think it is fun to think about, (what life with him would be like) and him and I talk about it often.  We are just both VERY understanding of where we each are and why we are there and how much we wish the situation was different.  But like HIM and I have said to each other before, we both have the personality that we would live unhappy ourselves forever before making our kids unhappy for a second.   He sends me emails that make me smile, make me cry, crack me up and make me think.  He holds my attention.  He makes me feel aches in my heart that I wish I could describe.  I miss him so much.  Yet am terrified to see him.  I want to knock on his door and tell him regardless of our situations I love him and want him regardless of who hears, see’s, knows etc, YET, if I even get within 5 minutes of his house I feel like I’m going to hyperventilate and die.  I want to say lets start a life together regardless of our lives now… yet I’d never in a million years ask him to leave her.  I care about his kids too much.  So its back to emailing only.  Is that good or bad?  Well, it is what it is, it sounds horrible to anyone who is looking in, the rule should be no contact, but I can’t do it.  I can’t walk away.  I feel like if I do, I will lose the one person in this world that I loved more than anyone.   I think we respectfully from a distance keep each other sane at home.  Well, at least that is true for me.   HE makes putting up with my husbands shit a lot more tolerable.  Because I smile at all the other parts of my day.    I assume I will get some hate mail over this post.  Calling me a whore, and all that Jazz that comes with the posts like this.  What it comes down to I guess is selfishness.   I’m too sad in my marriage to not email HIM and feel alone.  I’m too fearful that my husband will kill himself if I leave,  and I’m too terrified to say goodbye to HIM that I will never feel like I feel for anyone the way I feel for him, ever again.

For once, and from now on

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I want to laugh loudly with you, regardless of who hears.

I want to kiss you standing in Yankee Stadium, regardless of who watches.

I want to show you that I love you out loud, regardless of who knows.

I want to taste wine with you, regardless of who take our order.

I want to check into hotels together, regardless of who holds the door.

I want to have snowball fights with you, regardless of who joins in.

I want to go dancing with you, regardless of who the DJ is.

I want to take a cooking class with you, regardless of who teaches.

I want to go skiing with you, regardless of who who laughs at our falls.

I want to share dessert with you, regardless of who brings us an extra spoon.

I want hold summer parties with you, regardless of who attends.

I want to walk around a lake with you, regardless of who may be jogging.

I want to plan vacations with you, regardless of who’s visiting there too.

I want to run down the walk way to hug you, regardless of who’s driving by.

I want to be myself with you, regardless of anyone or anything.

 

Beneath Your Beautiful

“Beneath Your Beautiful”

(feat. Emeli Sandé)

You tell all the boys “No”
Makes you feel good, yeah.
I know you’re out of my league
But that won’t scare me away, oh, no

You’ve carried on so long,
You couldn’t stop if you tried it.
You’ve built your wall so high
That no one could climb it,
But I’m gonna try.

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?
Would you let me see beneath your perfect?
Take it off now, girl, take it off now, girl
I wanna see inside
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?

You let all the girls go
Makes you feel good, don’t it?
Behind your Broadway show
I heard a boy say, “Please, don’t hurt me”

You’ve carried on so long
You couldn’t stop if you tried it.
You’ve built your wall so high
That no one could climb it.
But I’m gonna try

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?
Would you let me see beneath your perfect?
Take it off now, boy, take it off now, boy
I wanna see inside
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight, oh, tonight?

See beneath, see beneath,
I…
Tonight
I…

I’m gonna climb on top your ivory tower
I’ll hold your hand and then we’ll jump right out
We’ll be falling, falling but that’s OK
‘Cause I’ll be right here
I just wanna know

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?
Would you let me see beneath your perfect?
Take it off now, girl, take it off now, girl (take it off now, boy,take it off now, boy)
‘Cause I wanna see inside
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight, oh, oh, oh, tonight?
See beneath your beautiful, oh, tonight.
We ain’t perfect, we ain’t perfect, no.
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?

Short Little Moments

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My butterflies, calm yourselves.

I know him.  He is no stranger.

Why are you fluttering so?

My butterflies calm yourselves,

His smile greets me,

Making me smile and shyly look away.

My butterflies calm yourselves,

His arms wrap around me,

I’ve missed his embrace.

My butterflies, calm yourselves,

His lips meet mine,

just like I’ve imagined a hundred times.

My butterflies, calm yourselves,

He is so happy around me.

Swallow your tears silly girl.

My butterflies, calm yourselves,

His mouth becomes familiar again,

I soak in his smell.

My butterflies, calm yourselves,

His laugh fills my heart,

I want this all the time.

My butterflies, calm yourselves,

He awakens my body and mind.

Attention holding conversation.

My butterflies, calm yourselves,

I feel like I’m spinning.

Yet nothing is moving.

My butterflies calm yourselves,

His eyes are locked on me.

I can’t look away.

My butterflies, calm yourselves,

Heartache shows in his eyes,

Because the clock says its time to go.

My butterflies, calm yourselves,

He loves me.

I love him.

Wake up my butterflies,

He walks away, back to his life,

I see its hard for him to do.

Wake up my butterflies…

Pick yourself up silly girl.

Loving what you can’t have is impossible.