Just received an email…

 

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An email saying they, (a blog reader), needed more.  More about what is going on in my life…  my kids, my husband and HIM.   Oh how I’ve been avoiding this.  I’m not even sure why.   If I don’t complain, I don’t have a problem right?  Oh lovely denial.

My kids.  My kids are great.  My kids are my world.  They always have been.  Between school, sports, upcoming graduations, doctor appointments, homework and normal around the house stuff we have been super busy.  My youngest just got over pneumonia two weeks ago.  THAT was scary.  Poor guy… I wished the entire time I could be sick for him.  It broke my heart.  My oldest has started to calm down I hope.  My next one down has signed up for the Navy.  The next two down are in sports and both made honor roll.  And my youngest, will never slow down I’m afraid. :0)  But they make me happy.  Always.

My husband?

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Same ol’ same ol’.  Up and down.  Affectionate, and distant and back again.  My pills haven’t been missing in awhile but then I don’t give him the opportunity anymore.  I’m thinking it has become less of a problem since pot became legal here.  Sigh.  Him and I are such opposites.  I can look at him and just know.  He gets mad and says I”m judging him.  That its legal that I can stop acting like his mom now.   I don’t know, I just don’t feel like I can tell my teenagers, “DONT DO POT” but then he can be as high as a kite.  That and I’m 38 and have never done it.   Oh well it is what it is.  I guess if he is going to be doing something it might as well be that.  I just think it makes you stupid, (I’m not calling anyone who does it stupid, I’m just saying it makes you spacey and out of it and just not the way I choose to be or appear).   Would I rather him do that if he is going to do SOMETHING?  Yes, but I’d rather him do nothing like he did in the beginning.  Our sex life is….. trying to think of the word.  Frustrating.  Still.  He wants sex fairly often but can rarely ‘get it up’ or even more rare, ‘finish’, making it last forever and for those of you guys that think that is AMAZING, trust me as a woman it is NOT.   Especially when you know it is from pills, so when sex starts off okay, it quickly turns into me being annoyed to no end and stopping things because instantly I know he’s done things.   He hasn’t gone back to the band which I am SOOOOOOOOO grateful for.  That was a million more problems than I care to share… drinking and such.  Is he helping with the kids? Yes.  Is he going to work?  Yes.  Has he stopped all his BS?  No.  and that No is a big one.  Has he started to support me in my goals?  Still no.  He has also started this weird thing which I know what it is but I don’t care to admit that to myself but if I am going out…. ANYWHERE,  it could be to the grocery store to get a loaf of bread he wants to have sex RIGHT before I walk out the door.  You know as well as I do, thats to make sure I’m not going to meet HIM.  My husband is still I’m sure worried about HIM.  As he should be.  HIM is a threat.  HIM is something my husband and I are dealing with.  HIM isn’t going to go away because I don’t want HIM to.  My husband will tell you that is as much of his fault as it is mine.

And what about HIM?  We talk by email.  Thats really it.  Yeah its more than what we WERE doing, but its what is happening.  Do I keep it from my husband?  Yes and no.  How jacked is that?  I don’t hold a conversation like, “I emailed HIM today, and he’s doing good, still tells me I’m amazing and he still wishes things were like they used to be.”  I do however fill my schedule, stay busy.  Run my business, teach my CPR classes, go out to dinner with girlfriends and am genuinely happy at the end of the day.   The relationship with my husband has changed so much.  And some of you maybe asking why are we still married?  I don’t know the answer to that.  I know kids aren’t a reason to stay married but I can’t bring myself to put my kids through that if my husband and I can be civil right now.  Right or wrong?  Probably wrong.  But I’m not lying to my husband.  He knows I’m not happy.  He knows I don’t NEED sex, I just want conversation.

As for as the other man goes, he is still married, (In my heart I know that will never change),  because he too wants his kids not to go through divorce. He is a man that regardless of his happiness he will provide for his family.  He would live unhappy forever before any of them suffered.  I know he loves me.  I know I love him, and I know we have both learned to love what we can’t have.   I think it is fun to think about, (what life with him would be like) and him and I talk about it often.  We are just both VERY understanding of where we each are and why we are there and how much we wish the situation was different.  But like HIM and I have said to each other before, we both have the personality that we would live unhappy ourselves forever before making our kids unhappy for a second.   He sends me emails that make me smile, make me cry, crack me up and make me think.  He holds my attention.  He makes me feel aches in my heart that I wish I could describe.  I miss him so much.  Yet am terrified to see him.  I want to knock on his door and tell him regardless of our situations I love him and want him regardless of who hears, see’s, knows etc, YET, if I even get within 5 minutes of his house I feel like I’m going to hyperventilate and die.  I want to say lets start a life together regardless of our lives now… yet I’d never in a million years ask him to leave her.  I care about his kids too much.  So its back to emailing only.  Is that good or bad?  Well, it is what it is, it sounds horrible to anyone who is looking in, the rule should be no contact, but I can’t do it.  I can’t walk away.  I feel like if I do, I will lose the one person in this world that I loved more than anyone.   I think we respectfully from a distance keep each other sane at home.  Well, at least that is true for me.   HE makes putting up with my husbands shit a lot more tolerable.  Because I smile at all the other parts of my day.    I assume I will get some hate mail over this post.  Calling me a whore, and all that Jazz that comes with the posts like this.  What it comes down to I guess is selfishness.   I’m too sad in my marriage to not email HIM and feel alone.  I’m too fearful that my husband will kill himself if I leave,  and I’m too terrified to say goodbye to HIM that I will never feel like I feel for anyone the way I feel for him, ever again.

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23 thoughts on “Just received an email…

  1. Although your situation is not an easy one, it does seem manageable for the time being. I think there are more people that choose to stay married for the sake of their children, then are willing to admit. I also think it is admirable for couples to do that. I know my marriage is not ideal, but we do manage to be civil to each other because we know it is such a burden for the children, otherwise. As far as the affair goes? I think…sometimes…life just is what it is and sometimes we look for happiness – even when it is not perfect. I know, I have suggested to my wife that maybe what she wants in life is an impossibility for just me to meet…of course, she assumes I’m looking for a way out, which I’m not…but at the same time, I think we all need an escape from our “normal” life.

  2. Although I’m not married I know that just talking to our MM who have become our best friend is irresistible as I also have maintained communication with him. He knows he is loved and not alone and I will always be here for him as a friend. That is all I can offer him as the pain of the romantic side of the relationship brings me to my knees. It is what it is. I also feel a bit selfish but I did give up a very intimate portion of this relationship. He has gone silent this last day and I find myself worrying about him. I know he is going through a lot outside of this relationship but I do know my choice to end things hurt him. Not gonna lie, it sucks ass.

  3. After reading that, all I can say is wow. My heart goes out to you…. I think it would scare the hello out of me to think that I would live years, or the rest of my life, with out passion. If emailing him helps you, maybe you should run with it….

    • I’d rather run with him…. however I respect his family more than I used to I suppose… I don’t think I was thinking clearly or that thought that anyone would get hurt. All sides suck.

      • All sides suck… right. I know that I wasn’t, probably am not, thinking clearly. Caught in a maze of our own making… keep in there ‘Her’, we can only take life one deep breath at time 🙂

    • I’m far from perfect…. we all have our flaws, but my husband has lied and stollen from me… the two most important values… kind of blew everything our marriage meant to me out of the water. I still car about him as a person, and want the best for him, but my feelings ‘for’ him have changed so much. What I want in a relationship and what I deserve in my opinion have changed too.

  4. Hey, whatever makes you happy is good. It is a funny old world, and it only has to make sense to you so don’t worry about anyone else. It would be better obviously if you could find closure on the unhappy bits in your life, but nobody was promised a perfect life. Enjoy the other guys company if it makes you feel good, life I’d way too short to have regrets. I am married to a wonderful person, we both work for each others happiness, if you don’t have that in your marriage then find it where you can.

    As for your husband and pot, a little is probably good for you, a lot is simply self medicating. You loved him in the beginning and then life wore him down. You have to find something that excites both of you. What about growing a pot plant together? It would be something new, something that would consumer your attention as a team? Anyway find your happiness because we all deserve it!

    • growing a pot plant together? LMAO.. .ummmm no offense but that is the LAST thing I would do with him. I am a cops daughter and have huge issues with it being legal. We all have our own opinions, but I do not want pot in my house, being grown or used. I am not going to tell my kids not to do it and then grow it and have their dad getting high on it… I’m not a hypocrite. Thanks for the comment though, where that might work for others it most certainly would not work for me or my marriage. Thanks for reading!!! I appreciate your comment though.

      • I felt a little funny suggesting the pot plant, but it sounds like you are in a funk and you need something daring and creative to jump start the journey you both started. I hope you find something that helps your situation. If not pot then maybe a wine course. Just find something to change the normal pattern of behavior. Best of luck 🙂

      • LOL, I really appreciate the suggestion it is just sooooo far from me lol… now the wine is all me but not him at all. He hates wine lol seriously we have nothing in common outside of our children! 🙂 Guess we need to get creative and find something.

  5. I haven’t been posting much of anything lately, but I am always reading. I’m so glad your little one is ok! Pneumonia is horrible, so many patient’s I take in have had it lately. Keep writing, I’m always reading even when I can’t comment or reply. Stay strong!

      • Thank you and I’m sorry. I have written a lot and shared none. I will be changing this though, I need more than just talking to myself. Rock’s e-mails me from time to time, but I just haven’t shared my life with anyone really, I don’t know why, I’ve just been staying to myself.

  6. It’s interesting how you describe things. I’m not a pot smoker either but I think legalization is the right way to go, stop making criminals out of ordinary people and stop the flow of money to organized crime, and reduce some of the violence.
    In a few years people will look back at how it was the same way we look at the prohibition era now.
    Obviously there are many problems in your marriage and some of your husbands sexual problems might be partly due to the fact that he sees your indifference or lack of interest perhaps. I suppose pot could also affect things I don’t really know. Anti depressants too maybe.
    I totally get your relationship with HIM. It’s so difficult sometimes.

  7. “I assume I will get some hate mail over this post. Calling me a whore, and all that Jazz that comes with the posts like this.”

    It’s funny…you say things like this often, but I don’t think I’ve seen ANYONE call you a whore…but you. I don’t think you’re a whore. I think you are in a prison of your own making, and you have the power to change that. The sad thing is that you don’t use it.

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