An email saying they, (a blog reader), needed more. More about what is going on in my life… my kids, my husband and HIM. Oh how I’ve been avoiding this. I’m not even sure why. If I don’t complain, I don’t have a problem right? Oh lovely denial.
My kids. My kids are great. My kids are my world. They always have been. Between school, sports, upcoming graduations, doctor appointments, homework and normal around the house stuff we have been super busy. My youngest just got over pneumonia two weeks ago. THAT was scary. Poor guy… I wished the entire time I could be sick for him. It broke my heart. My oldest has started to calm down I hope. My next one down has signed up for the Navy. The next two down are in sports and both made honor roll. And my youngest, will never slow down I’m afraid. :0) But they make me happy. Always.
Same ol’ same ol’. Up and down. Affectionate, and distant and back again. My pills haven’t been missing in awhile but then I don’t give him the opportunity anymore. I’m thinking it has become less of a problem since pot became legal here. Sigh. Him and I are such opposites. I can look at him and just know. He gets mad and says I”m judging him. That its legal that I can stop acting like his mom now. I don’t know, I just don’t feel like I can tell my teenagers, “DONT DO POT” but then he can be as high as a kite. That and I’m 38 and have never done it. Oh well it is what it is. I guess if he is going to be doing something it might as well be that. I just think it makes you stupid, (I’m not calling anyone who does it stupid, I’m just saying it makes you spacey and out of it and just not the way I choose to be or appear). Would I rather him do that if he is going to do SOMETHING? Yes, but I’d rather him do nothing like he did in the beginning. Our sex life is….. trying to think of the word. Frustrating. Still. He wants sex fairly often but can rarely ‘get it up’ or even more rare, ‘finish’, making it last forever and for those of you guys that think that is AMAZING, trust me as a woman it is NOT. Especially when you know it is from pills, so when sex starts off okay, it quickly turns into me being annoyed to no end and stopping things because instantly I know he’s done things. He hasn’t gone back to the band which I am SOOOOOOOOO grateful for. That was a million more problems than I care to share… drinking and such. Is he helping with the kids? Yes. Is he going to work? Yes. Has he stopped all his BS? No. and that No is a big one. Has he started to support me in my goals? Still no. He has also started this weird thing which I know what it is but I don’t care to admit that to myself but if I am going out…. ANYWHERE, it could be to the grocery store to get a loaf of bread he wants to have sex RIGHT before I walk out the door. You know as well as I do, thats to make sure I’m not going to meet HIM. My husband is still I’m sure worried about HIM. As he should be. HIM is a threat. HIM is something my husband and I are dealing with. HIM isn’t going to go away because I don’t want HIM to. My husband will tell you that is as much of his fault as it is mine.
And what about HIM? We talk by email. Thats really it. Yeah its more than what we WERE doing, but its what is happening. Do I keep it from my husband? Yes and no. How jacked is that? I don’t hold a conversation like, “I emailed HIM today, and he’s doing good, still tells me I’m amazing and he still wishes things were like they used to be.” I do however fill my schedule, stay busy. Run my business, teach my CPR classes, go out to dinner with girlfriends and am genuinely happy at the end of the day. The relationship with my husband has changed so much. And some of you maybe asking why are we still married? I don’t know the answer to that. I know kids aren’t a reason to stay married but I can’t bring myself to put my kids through that if my husband and I can be civil right now. Right or wrong? Probably wrong. But I’m not lying to my husband. He knows I’m not happy. He knows I don’t NEED sex, I just want conversation.
As for as the other man goes, he is still married, (In my heart I know that will never change), because he too wants his kids not to go through divorce. He is a man that regardless of his happiness he will provide for his family. He would live unhappy forever before any of them suffered. I know he loves me. I know I love him, and I know we have both learned to love what we can’t have. I think it is fun to think about, (what life with him would be like) and him and I talk about it often. We are just both VERY understanding of where we each are and why we are there and how much we wish the situation was different. But like HIM and I have said to each other before, we both have the personality that we would live unhappy ourselves forever before making our kids unhappy for a second. He sends me emails that make me smile, make me cry, crack me up and make me think. He holds my attention. He makes me feel aches in my heart that I wish I could describe. I miss him so much. Yet am terrified to see him. I want to knock on his door and tell him regardless of our situations I love him and want him regardless of who hears, see’s, knows etc, YET, if I even get within 5 minutes of his house I feel like I’m going to hyperventilate and die. I want to say lets start a life together regardless of our lives now… yet I’d never in a million years ask him to leave her. I care about his kids too much. So its back to emailing only. Is that good or bad? Well, it is what it is, it sounds horrible to anyone who is looking in, the rule should be no contact, but I can’t do it. I can’t walk away. I feel like if I do, I will lose the one person in this world that I loved more than anyone. I think we respectfully from a distance keep each other sane at home. Well, at least that is true for me. HE makes putting up with my husbands shit a lot more tolerable. Because I smile at all the other parts of my day. I assume I will get some hate mail over this post. Calling me a whore, and all that Jazz that comes with the posts like this. What it comes down to I guess is selfishness. I’m too sad in my marriage to not email HIM and feel alone. I’m too fearful that my husband will kill himself if I leave, and I’m too terrified to say goodbye to HIM that I will never feel like I feel for anyone the way I feel for him, ever again.