An email I received:

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I asked this emailer  (TKM),  if I could post her email because it moved me SOOO much.  I can relate to it on so many levels and so many feelings.  I have looked into the mirror and just stared at myself wondering who I was and what I’d become.  Looking at my spirit filled numb body.  Realizing when I looked in the mirror after being around my husband and then again after being with HIM how it was like two completely different people standing there… body language and confidence both.  A look of being dead and empty or a look of being alive and fulfilled.  Just based on who I was with.  Let me stop talking… (writing), here is her email.  I’ve never posted email before… I asked her if I could post this and got her permission.  Please don’t think if you email me I will post it or talk about your email.  I NEVER will unless I ask you and get your permission.  Please feel free to comment after reading, I’m sure she would like your comments/thoughts and opinions too!

*********

I cannot believe I am emailing you.  I don’t even know what it is I am looking for.  My only release is to write and cry at the same time.  Live to see another day, and then do it again. 
This is what I wrote tonight.
 
 
I came upstairs to sit next to my husband.  I watched as he did not even look up to acknowledge me there.  His head bowed as he started intently at his phone playing an online game.  The television blared of the basketball game and I thought to myself, he is quite the multi-tasker of forgettable moments.  I walked away into the restroom.  Stood at the sink and looked at the reflection staring back at me.  Is this my life?  I remembered just 6 days ago my boyfriend made me laugh endlessly over breakfast.  I noticed how he adored my smile, my laugh and stared at me with kind eyes.  He listened to what I had to say and conversed with me displaying interest and understanding.  The topics varied from something to nothing at all. 
 
As I stared into my own eyes in the mirror, stripped of all makeup I remembered that day.  I still can feel the moment as he reached across the table and brushed his fingertips against my cheek, moving a curl from my face so he could look into both of my eyes.  I was looking down at the time and wanted to look up, I wanted to give him the look that moment deserved but instead fear kept me from moving.  I paused in my story, fumbled over my words.  I muttered “I lost my train of thought”.  He laughed “you always do”. 
 
I was afraid to look up at that very moment in fear that I would fall again.  Fall for the man who hurt me twice already.  I had cried for so many days straight and at one time was in a blank zone that I feared returning to that place if I let my guard down.  I wanted to let go more than anything and feel what I felt before.  Feel what I knew he once felt for me as well.  However my heart was over ruled by my mind, once again.  I think of that day and think to myself, what fun times.  But now that’s then, this is now. 
 
I have to be done with this rollercoaster ride.  Deep inside I know what I once meant to him.  I know the mistakes that were made on both ends.  I am also aware of what was real and what was real covered in guilt in fear.  There is nothing to do other than to except it.  I have to respect the place we are at now. Even if for me it is a lonely place.  Deep inside I knew he would do this again.  When I let him in, I knew I would be the one to hurt in the end. 
 
This passive easy way to let me go is still, just that.  It is still, letting me go.  We needed each other for a moment, though I needed more he got his fill.  Perhaps I cured his weakness, calmed his fears and cleared his insecurities and now he leaves with the piece of me that I gave to him, and once again, I stand here alone within a crowded room, invisible.
 
The hardest thing for me is coming to the realization the very thing I need someone to fall for so that my body can feel amazing, is in fact the very thing that ruins my relationships.  Do I blame myself?  Do I blame my past?  Can you blame anything when it has been subconsciously instilled in you to not trust.  I have never met a man who dove deep enough into my soul to kiss away my insecurities, wipe away my fear and show me how to fly.  Am I deserving of love from the opposite sex?  Or am I trophy?  Is my heart ever understood, my mind ever explored?  Do I simply fulfill a purpose for others?  To fix, to heal, to inspire, to believe and at the end of the day as an individual woman, remain alone? 
 
This is torture.  To put myself through such heartbreak and misery is foolish.  But is there truth to the saying “I would rather have loved and lost then to never have loved at all”  I am not speaking of the love that grows in time.  The unconditional, comfortable love.  I am referring to the butterflies that come swarming in your belly, the clouds that fill your mind, the chills you receive when you tell a story of a single moment you had with someone.  Where you toss and turn at night because you can still feel their touch. 
 
I think to myself I should just cry.  Let it out, everything you feel just release.  Then… you need to let it go.  But I know that a thousand tears that stream down my face tonight could never end the pain I feel inside my chest and the hole that fills my stomach when I think of letting go.  I never knew this kind of pain existed…to loose someone that was never yours. 
 
He was my missing piece so that I could continue on and do the right thing in my life.  Although a small piece that I held in my pocket, it was essential for the complete picture.  Without it, I remain, me…as a woman…incomplete. 
 
I stand here stripped, naked in truth.  Bare, with all my flaws to see.  I fell in love.  I fell in love with his mind, his need to be seen, his insecurities, his internal struggle to do the right thing, I fell in love with all that he showed me he was outside of home.  The very core of who we are and what we hold inside often lies in the eyes of our mistress.  They hold our weaknesses and our dreams.  We accept blindly and love childishly without blame, mistakes, resentment or expectations.  It is to give and receive the very best of someone and appreciate it fully.
-TKM
*****
beautiful.  real.  heartbreaking.  I get it.  I feel it.  I know it.  All too well.
Two things nailed my heart…
” I never knew this kind of pain existed…to loose someone that was never yours
and her last statement:
I fell in love.  I fell in love with his mind, his need to be seen, his insecurities, his internal struggle to do the right thing, I fell in love with all that he showed me he was outside of home.
The very core of who we are and what we hold inside often lies in the eyes of our mistress.  They hold our weaknesses and our dreams.
We accept blindly and love childishly without blame, mistakes, resentment or expectations.  It is to give and receive the very best of someone and appreciate it fully.
Woah.  If we have mind strings, as we do heart strings… this email is pulling on mine….
SOMEONE GETS IT.  SOMEONE HAS FELT WHAT I FEEL.
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25 thoughts on “An email I received:

    • So I believe this is the address to the blog. I could not figure out how to change my blog name etc I am new to this like I said, If anyone is interesting in following me and reading my other writings please feel free. Thanks for all the positive feedback and of course to HER for posting this email I sent to you and taking an interest in what I had to write. http://t7894t.wordpress.com/

  1. Hmmm… Isn’t it interesting how easy it is for us to want what we ultimately can’t have? I’ve often wondered why there is happiness outside of my marriage and yet feel so compelled to be the best husband I can be to my wife. How can the heart split and love more than one? Sometimes, I’ve wondered if what makes us happy is the escape from our lives…is that how we ended up with the one we married in the first place? Did our pouse provide us with that escape, but then became our reality so that we need a new escape?

  2. I teeter with the idea of writing a blog. However I am afraid to remain in this hurt if I continue writing about it. My heart tells me it needs time to heal. My mind tells me what it always has throughout my life, forget, harden your heart, clear your mind and keep going. The problem is now in my mid 30’s for the first time in my entire life I now see that the very survival technique that has helped throughout my life is in fact the most damaging. If I don’t deal with things and I continue to run they eventually will effect me in such a negative way later on in my life. How ironic it is that the very man who taught me such a thing is the very man I need to heal from.

  3. Thank you so much for your kind words and for being an outlet. I will consider the blogging this evening. It might help. However I may need your guidance. I’ve never blogged before.

    • I just started blogging to get over my experience with an EA. I wasn’t sure why I started, but now that I have I’m very glad. I think everyone does it for their own reason. For me, I think now that I just had to get the story out of me, to put it down in words, so I can release it. I need to release it, release him so I can move on with my life. I believe he has moved on, it’s time for me to do the same. I highly recommend it, it’s only been about a week that I’ve been blogging, but it’s been very therapeutic for me

      • when anyone emails me devastated from an affair or relationship asking what they should do I have ALWAYS suggested blogging. It helps so much to just get it out of your head and heart. I’m not one to suggest what else to do. Its a hard thing to go through. All I can suggest doing is what I did that worked and that was to write, write, write…..

  4. This brought tears to my eyes for that is exactly what I am feeling right now. Letting him go has been hard and I feel lost especially right now.. I am lost for words thank you… I do hope she does blog…

  5. I read those words and they remind me of an experience I had not so long ago. In July 2013 my now ex and I were in a REALLY rough spot, I had gone back to school and he just wasn’t able to cope with me having my own life. I remember spending the afternoon hanging out and studying with the guy who is now my BF (absolutely nothing was going on at the point), we had a great time, laughing and joking around. I went home to an empty house and waited until my SO got home, it was lonely and I had missed him. I ended up asking him to make love to me, something I never really asked for…I asked for sex and had ALWAYS drawn a distinction in my vocabulary between the two. He ended up basically using me to get himself off, it last 5 mins max…and there was no foreplay at all. Then he got up, got dressed and walked away with out saying a word. I cried, it was the only time, including during my affair, that sex had ever made me feel dirty. To contrast, the first time my BF and I had sex, it wasn’t even in a position I really preffered (Sorry for TMI) but there was a spiritual connection there I have only ever felt one other time in my life.

  6. WOW! How perfect are the words? We find ourselves lost?, Misunderstood?, Begging for Acknowledgement? Attention?, Recognition?, Taken for granted? All of the above? When I look into BF’s eyes I find all these things among all the other things I sometimes don’t want to find.

  7. I agree with everyone else that this story is amazing, sad in a sense, but amazing. Well I guess I should say your writing is amazing. However, I am drawn to it not so much because of an affair of my own, but there are just words within your writing that I connect with and with things I am facing right now in my life within myself, but again has nothing to do with an affair (with me or my husband). So that is why it is so amazing to me because though your writing is from a place of hurt and it stems from an affair it is about so much more than that. Which is why I too agree that you should blog because you never know how what you write can be helpful to someone else, regardless of what your intent or reason for writing is. Again, thank you for writing this, thank you for sharing this and thank you for allowing “being her” to post this for us to see.

  8. Thank you for all the overwhelming kind feedback. I have decided to blog. If anything perhaps it will help someone else in what they feel and deal with on a day to day. I am new to blogging so I may be a little backwards at first so please be patient with me. I started my blog with the email you see above and then went from there.
    The dates are out of order because of that.

  9. So I believe this is the address to the blog. I could not figure out how to change my blog name etc I am new to this like I said, If anyone is interesting in following me and reading my other writings please feel free. Thanks for all the positive feedback and of course to HER for posting this email I sent to you and taking an interest in what I had to write. http://t7894t.wordpress.com/

  10. Okay I had to delete the previous blog and re do one. I encourage you all to read the story. From the start I missed out on many moments but perhaps I will revisit them one day to give to you all the writing that you can relate to in order to heal or be understood however my story has come to a shocking end. You may find this at the following blog.
    http://mymattersoftheheart.wordpress.com/

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