I only have a second and I was thinking….

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Sex.

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Making Love.

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Fucking.

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They are all different.  Right?   For example, (I’d like to know what HE thinks but),  I feel like fucking is one of two things.  Rough sex or quick.  With or without feelings attached.  I think sex is just sex… no strings…. no feelings.  Maybe at the start of an affair for some.  Some of my readers say flat out- “they had an affair because they were missing SEX.  No drama, no relationship, no feelings, just sex”.   And then there is making love.  The complicated one.   When do you go from sex to making love?  I can say with HIM we had sex, (when we were learning about each other), it at first was awkward, maybe because of the situation.  And I think I’d say we have fucked…. (I don’t mean that to sound so dirty), but we met to do that… quickies and seriously relieved some sexual frustration…. but as far as making love I find myself thinking. Wow.  I think men and women define this differently. Yes us women are all romantic and sappy and say oh the music was right or he was amazing and it was slow…  but what if it is more detailed?  What if at a moment it hits you.  That you want nothing more to be with this man that is with you right now.  A moment when you realize you have never felt an orgasm like that or felt goosebumps cover you when you felt overheated?  What about when you lose control of every one of your senses.  You forget where you are and the ringing in your ears is deafening? Is making love losing sense of time, surroundings, and of the real life situation you are sitting in?  All I know is when HE touched me, just a touch goosebumps could fly down my sides and erect my nipples.  One kiss and I was seriously dizzy.   I can say I never felt those things even with my husband in the very beginning when things were good.  Never have I been aroused so quickly or so much by anyone.

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I was thinking…

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It was true for me and I have read it many times on other blogs of people who have had affairs, so I want to blog about the subject. The subject of marriages improving while you have an affair.  Sounds crazy right?  Well maybe not for everyone but for me, it was the case.  I couldn’t say if this was true or not for the MM I had an affair with and his wife or not, because I didn’t really ask that question of him.  However I know his relationship was up and down with her as most of our marriages are in one way or another.

I think in my case, (and I’m only speaking in my case here), but simply put, I was happy.  I felt important in the life of someone.  I felt butterflies over someone.  Someone was calling me, and texting me, and emailing me and WANTED to be.  Someone really cared about me.  Well lots of people care about us but not always in a relationship kind of way.  Those needs and feelings being met made me happy and a little less stressed out. I think when one is happy and feels like they are not empty, (all their emotional and physical needs are being met), they are able to truly think of others.  They don’t have the mind block of being sad or unhappy or unsatisfied in some way.  I think because I was happy, I was less on edge, because I was less on edge I didn’t feel like I was going to rip someone head off because the house was dirty RIGHT after I cleaned it.   Odd thing is then, your not bitching and you suddenly look less stressed and ‘softer’ in your husbands eyes.  OH GUESS WHAT?  That morning because you look like that, he compliments you.  One time, the first time in forever.  And the compliment catches you off guard.  Maybe you are spending more time on your outfits, or you have been making sure your panties and bras match.  You picked out a new perfume.  You have made sure to not miss a nail appointment.  It could be physical.  For me personally it was 100% emotional.  My husband was gone most of the beginning of my affair.  I was just incredibly lonely.  I’m not talking gone like military or work.  I’m talking gone like uninvolved and uninterested.  But my bitching and nagging stopped on the phone calls to him.  I was suddenly telling him, “Do what you need to do, bye!”  VS “Why are you doing this?  You are never here, this isn’t fair to me or the kids!”  The difference was originally he heard, I need you, you should be here, or me complaining and truly being a bitch out of frustration.  It shifted to, I’m happy and I can careless what you do or decide to do because we are making it work without you.  That freaked him out I think.  He started coming by.  Going out to dinner with us.  My appearance never was really affected, only because I am OCD about it. LOL.  Before or during my affair or even now I always do my hair, makeup and try and look nice.  I am NOT that mom that can be in her pajamas and go to the grocery store.  Hell, I’m not even that mom that can hang out in her pajamas all day on Saturday because she isn’t going anywhere.  Every morning I go straight from bed to the shower and get dressed.  I have my coffee after I get ready.   He my husband just saw me go from stressing out about his whereabouts to giving up completely and finding my happiness somewhere else.   Suddenly he was home.  Suddenly he was trying.  Suddenly I had a problem.  Where as when my affair started I felt ‘sort of available’ because I was separated (not by choice), but by reality.  He never came home.  We are not talking three days.  We are talking months at a time that added up to years.  I didn’t care at first because my focus was my kids.  I slowly started to realize I had needs too.  Talking to someone was easy.  Getting to know my AP was easy.  Looking forward to his emails, texts was easy.  Meeting him was a little harder.  But became easy.  Finding that we had feelings for each other over time, was easy.  Being intimate took a long time… it was a step that I don’t think either of us were really ready for and we respected each other.  But even then after a long time that was, (I don’t want to say easy),  well, there are no words.

I read blogs and find that a lot of bloggers who had affairs, or who are having them experience their marriages improving during that time.  Maybe its guilt?  Maybe its simply you are happy.  Maybe its because your mind is thinking of your encounter the night before or the next day and you are not focusing on your husbands dirty boxers on the floor 2.5 inches from the hamper.  Or maybe you didn’t seem to care too much about the $50 bucks your wife spent on a blouse that she already has two of that are similar.  The little things seem to become suddenly little again when you are happy.  Anyone else in your situation find this to be true?  I’ve just read it a lot and experienced it personally.

Sigh.

I need to breathe.  I’m so worried and frustrated right now I can’t even think straight.  Every time I think it can’t get any worse, I’m shown I’m so far from that being true. 

Last night at dinner

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Last night, at dinner alone with my two children,  I sat there… in a daze.  I sat and watched my youngest two eat their dinners.  Laughing and smiling and talking to each other.  One was talking about her next sporting event and my other was talking about his upcoming school play.  They went about this adult conversation.  Back and forth, taking turns and politely not interrupting the other from saying what they felt was important to get out.  They are both so amazing.  As I glanced around the restaurant taking an occasional bite or sip of my wine I’d notice couples.   Some eating away, never saying a word.  They looked so unhappy.  I wondered what was going through their heads.   I’d see these couples focusing only on what they were eating and never even looking up from their plate or thanking the waiter for a refill on their drinks.  Their kids jumping around and throwing food at each other.  Screaming and neither parent stepping up to teach them.  It brought to mind if nearly every marriage hits that point.  Where neither adult wants to be the adult.  Neither wants to be the bad guy.  Finally, the little girl dumped her drink and it went into the dads lap and he jumped up.  He said in a FIRM, under his breath voice, “Now sit down and straighten up, you know how to act when we are out to eat.  Clearly your mom, like always, isn’t going to step up and show you that she has expectations.  Damnit Chelsea, why do I always have to be the disciplinarian?” First I don’t agree with down talking the other parent in front of kids, but  I’m going to pause what was said next because I felt this guys pain.  So many years, I felt like I had no help from my husband.   I did the cleaning, the cooking, the laundry, the errands, the shopping, the school runs, the homework, you name it…. all the shit that has to get done.   I know you know this because you have read it in my early posts.  I know the complete bottom,  (right before you crack),  from having way too much on your plate from physically doing it all.  My husband felt like his role was to get up go to work and come home.  End of story.  He was earning money for his family, which was great but I worked too.   I just felt familiarity in the mans words.  Then SHE said what she said.  She said, “How about you go ask Samantha to help you.  Seems like she knows how to help you with all your other stresses in life.”

Woah.

Soak that sucker in.

Guess what.  I’m Samantha.

Well not me… I’m not HIS Samantha, but I’m a Samantha.

I instantly felt for this guy.   Yes, yes I felt for her too, because she was obviously hurt by choices her husband made and maybe her depression from his affair caused her lack in helping I don’t know the whole story.  I felt her pain for a second, (I still feel bad about what I did to HIS wife).  BUT,  I understand first hand, my needs, (my AP’s needs),  not being met and doing, (or feeling like you do), everything alone.  A spouse can be right there in the house and be checked out.  I just personally have the husband that physically WASNT/ISNT there/here.   I bet somehow he met Samantha innocently, (or maybe not),  but either way you don’t walk up to someone and pull your dick out of your pants and she lays down on the floor, and an affair starts.  I hate to bust your bubbles but that isn’t how it usually starts and I’m pretty sure your spouses aren’t having affairs with hookers.  What happens is conversations occur.  Laughter happens.  There isn’t five loads of laundry needing to be done and a spouse yelling from the bathroom that they have no clean boxers and its your fault.  It starts sooooo simply I can’t even express.  A door being held open for a woman who’s husband has dropped the door in her face everyday when they leave for work to car pool together.   A woman touching a mans shoulder asking if he had a good weekend on Monday morning!  Even eye contact.  Couples can’t even look at each other half the time.  Or it could be a man making a new pot of coffee at work, (because he took the last cup),  and a woman thanking him for doing so.  Its amazing what five seconds of kindness does for someone who is on empty.  Thing is, sometimes that person is just as empty and that conversation over a coffee pot every morning at work becomes wanted… needed almost.  That coffee leads to a innocent coffee invite for lunch.  You think its okay, you’re working, he’s a coworker so you go.  And you for a moment lose track of time because get this!  YOU ARE HAVING FUN!  You leave go back to work and you can’t focus.  You never noticed his eyes.  His smile.  That laugh.  You look down and you have a text message on your phone.  Its from your husband it reads: Can you go get Tiffany from daycare she is throwing up? Your mommy instinct kicks in, and you go to leave and your car won’t start.  The problem with the car is that your husband has promised he’d look at it for two weeks in a row that it has been stalling on starting, and he still hasn’t.  Football and beers with the neighbor guy had been more fun.  You text your husband that the car won’t start and he starts yelling at you like its your fault.  You call the sitter about the sick kid and she informs you that its okay and she will see you in a bit and then mentions that your husband hasn’t paid her yet.  You told him three times NOT to forget to pay her but now you have a late fee.  You look up and the coffee guy is walking to his car.  Since when did he walk that way?  He comes over and asks if everything is okay.  You explain the situation.   He looks under the hood, jumps your car, shuts the hood and hands you his brother’s business card who is auto part owner and mentions it probably is just the battery.   You go to daycare, don’t turn off the car in fear of it not starting, get your daughter, drive to the battery shop, get the battery at a killer price because you know somebody and drive home.  You walk into your house, its a bomb, theres a message on the home phone that your teen didn’t show up to three of his classes.  There is water on the floor that the puppy knocked over and your husband is sitting on the couch watching ESPN.   Somehow the crock pot got shut off, your 9 year old tells you that a major project is due tomorrow and all you can think about is coffee with coffee guy today.  You try and start a conversation with your husband about buying the battery and the car working now and he gets all butt hurt that you didn’t let him do it like he said he would.  Regardless of you being stranded at work and him never coming to help.  And just like that you hear a ping.  You look down at your phone and its a text.  “Got your number from the work employee book, glad the car battery ended up working.  Hope you have a good night!  See you at the coffee pot, bright and early tomorrow, can’t wait!”

Can’t wait?  Why can’t he wait?  What is he thinking?  And just like that…. butterflies.  And just like that… it starts.

Now I’m not saying that normal life crap and drama cause affairs.  However I am saying no help and needs not being met, (emotional, sexual or just simple help) will lead to people finding ways to having those needs met.    Someone doesn’t just hold a door for you and you jump on them undressing them.   I just realized at dinner that if this man truly didn’t have help at home and she never did anything, after awhile that adds up, takes a toll.  I’m not saying its right to have an affair.  I’m not saying that is how you handle a loveless, helpless, sexless marriage.  I’m saying this situation makes it easier for someone to step out, if even to shortly gain their sanity.  Marriage is 50/50.  There are times its 80/20 but you better catch up on your 80 next week when the other is having a 20 week because it gets old being the 80 all the time.

I snapped out of my daze.  My wine was gone, the waiter handed me my bill, I paid, took the food left over to go and went to walk out and guess what, (I swear this happened).  The two kids that were acting up went out the door.  The wife went out the door and let the door fall, the husband picked up a hat his son dropped ran into the door saying thanks for holding the door and then said let me get that for you to me, and held the door open as my kids and I walked through.  In thinking about this the entire meal,  I turned around and made eye contact and said, thanks for holding the door!  He said, you’re welcome.   His wife was already to the car snapping at him to unlock it that it was “fucking cold out, could you hurry the hell up.” She then had to add a rude comment affecting me, “Is HER name Samantha too?”

What a B.

Came home, did homework with the kids, took a shower, got into bed and read.

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My husband didn’t come home last night because Sunday night he got into my pills and after the argument he went to his moms.  Guess he was staying there again last night.

You will never fade…

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Everyday you were there.  Everyday we talked.  Everyday I laughed.

We had moments of connecting.  Moments of deep conversations.

Lots of story telling.  Lots of sharing.  Lots of past hurts discussed.

Everyday I woke up to your messages.  Every night I fell asleep thinking of you.

Our choices just kind of happened.   I couldn’t imagine my life without you.

I was at this new place where I felt butterflies again.

Every moment you filled my head.  I wondered where you where and what you were doing and if you were thinking about me.

I’d see something that we did or talked about and I’d find a smile crossing my face on its own.

I’d see beautiful things or hear something funny and couldn’t wait to share them with you.

I’d hear a song that spoke to me causing you to fill my mind like steam.

You became what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be with all the time.

I couldn’t figure out how I could have you forever.

I felt happy, alive, content, satisfied, needed, wanted and adored.

The thing was, I never pretend to be something I wasn’t.

I always wanted to be my best for you.

I found myself wanting to please you and love you and make you happy before I ever found myself thinking about myself.  I got so much pleasure out of making you smile and laugh.

Your stories affected me.  They made me laugh with you, hurt for you, angry at other causing you the hurt.  I became protective of you in a sense.

And then you were gone.

Physically gone.

The ache was indescribable.

The hurt was excruciating.

The loneliness was beyond silent.

The tears were beyond running out.

The silence was deafening.

The not hearing from you was worrisome.

I felt like my best friend had died.

My two friends that knew watched me sob over someone I should have never loved.

They urged me to get out of bed.

I felt like my best friend had died.  There one second and gone the next.

My heart couldn’t understand what my head had been screaming all along.

I would stand behind doors crying.  People laughing and going about life on the other side having no idea I’d been broken.

I would cry silently in my pillow at night.  Realizing my greatest fear would never be seeing you, hugging you, laughing with you or being touched by you again.

I know for a fact that first four months was the hardest part of my life ever.

I truly had no idea what it was like to lose someone.

Someone you would do anything to be able to have for five more minutes.

All I wanted was a chance to have a proper goodbye.  To tell you in person how much I loved you and how very much you meant to me.

I can’t believe I’ve know you for four years this June.  Seems like yesterday I met you , yet it feels like forever ago.

I love the memories you left me.  They will never fade.

You will never fade.