Last night at dinner

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Last night, at dinner alone with my two children,  I sat there… in a daze.  I sat and watched my youngest two eat their dinners.  Laughing and smiling and talking to each other.  One was talking about her next sporting event and my other was talking about his upcoming school play.  They went about this adult conversation.  Back and forth, taking turns and politely not interrupting the other from saying what they felt was important to get out.  They are both so amazing.  As I glanced around the restaurant taking an occasional bite or sip of my wine I’d notice couples.   Some eating away, never saying a word.  They looked so unhappy.  I wondered what was going through their heads.   I’d see these couples focusing only on what they were eating and never even looking up from their plate or thanking the waiter for a refill on their drinks.  Their kids jumping around and throwing food at each other.  Screaming and neither parent stepping up to teach them.  It brought to mind if nearly every marriage hits that point.  Where neither adult wants to be the adult.  Neither wants to be the bad guy.  Finally, the little girl dumped her drink and it went into the dads lap and he jumped up.  He said in a FIRM, under his breath voice, “Now sit down and straighten up, you know how to act when we are out to eat.  Clearly your mom, like always, isn’t going to step up and show you that she has expectations.  Damnit Chelsea, why do I always have to be the disciplinarian?” First I don’t agree with down talking the other parent in front of kids, but  I’m going to pause what was said next because I felt this guys pain.  So many years, I felt like I had no help from my husband.   I did the cleaning, the cooking, the laundry, the errands, the shopping, the school runs, the homework, you name it…. all the shit that has to get done.   I know you know this because you have read it in my early posts.  I know the complete bottom,  (right before you crack),  from having way too much on your plate from physically doing it all.  My husband felt like his role was to get up go to work and come home.  End of story.  He was earning money for his family, which was great but I worked too.   I just felt familiarity in the mans words.  Then SHE said what she said.  She said, “How about you go ask Samantha to help you.  Seems like she knows how to help you with all your other stresses in life.”

Woah.

Soak that sucker in.

Guess what.  I’m Samantha.

Well not me… I’m not HIS Samantha, but I’m a Samantha.

I instantly felt for this guy.   Yes, yes I felt for her too, because she was obviously hurt by choices her husband made and maybe her depression from his affair caused her lack in helping I don’t know the whole story.  I felt her pain for a second, (I still feel bad about what I did to HIS wife).  BUT,  I understand first hand, my needs, (my AP’s needs),  not being met and doing, (or feeling like you do), everything alone.  A spouse can be right there in the house and be checked out.  I just personally have the husband that physically WASNT/ISNT there/here.   I bet somehow he met Samantha innocently, (or maybe not),  but either way you don’t walk up to someone and pull your dick out of your pants and she lays down on the floor, and an affair starts.  I hate to bust your bubbles but that isn’t how it usually starts and I’m pretty sure your spouses aren’t having affairs with hookers.  What happens is conversations occur.  Laughter happens.  There isn’t five loads of laundry needing to be done and a spouse yelling from the bathroom that they have no clean boxers and its your fault.  It starts sooooo simply I can’t even express.  A door being held open for a woman who’s husband has dropped the door in her face everyday when they leave for work to car pool together.   A woman touching a mans shoulder asking if he had a good weekend on Monday morning!  Even eye contact.  Couples can’t even look at each other half the time.  Or it could be a man making a new pot of coffee at work, (because he took the last cup),  and a woman thanking him for doing so.  Its amazing what five seconds of kindness does for someone who is on empty.  Thing is, sometimes that person is just as empty and that conversation over a coffee pot every morning at work becomes wanted… needed almost.  That coffee leads to a innocent coffee invite for lunch.  You think its okay, you’re working, he’s a coworker so you go.  And you for a moment lose track of time because get this!  YOU ARE HAVING FUN!  You leave go back to work and you can’t focus.  You never noticed his eyes.  His smile.  That laugh.  You look down and you have a text message on your phone.  Its from your husband it reads: Can you go get Tiffany from daycare she is throwing up? Your mommy instinct kicks in, and you go to leave and your car won’t start.  The problem with the car is that your husband has promised he’d look at it for two weeks in a row that it has been stalling on starting, and he still hasn’t.  Football and beers with the neighbor guy had been more fun.  You text your husband that the car won’t start and he starts yelling at you like its your fault.  You call the sitter about the sick kid and she informs you that its okay and she will see you in a bit and then mentions that your husband hasn’t paid her yet.  You told him three times NOT to forget to pay her but now you have a late fee.  You look up and the coffee guy is walking to his car.  Since when did he walk that way?  He comes over and asks if everything is okay.  You explain the situation.   He looks under the hood, jumps your car, shuts the hood and hands you his brother’s business card who is auto part owner and mentions it probably is just the battery.   You go to daycare, don’t turn off the car in fear of it not starting, get your daughter, drive to the battery shop, get the battery at a killer price because you know somebody and drive home.  You walk into your house, its a bomb, theres a message on the home phone that your teen didn’t show up to three of his classes.  There is water on the floor that the puppy knocked over and your husband is sitting on the couch watching ESPN.   Somehow the crock pot got shut off, your 9 year old tells you that a major project is due tomorrow and all you can think about is coffee with coffee guy today.  You try and start a conversation with your husband about buying the battery and the car working now and he gets all butt hurt that you didn’t let him do it like he said he would.  Regardless of you being stranded at work and him never coming to help.  And just like that you hear a ping.  You look down at your phone and its a text.  “Got your number from the work employee book, glad the car battery ended up working.  Hope you have a good night!  See you at the coffee pot, bright and early tomorrow, can’t wait!”

Can’t wait?  Why can’t he wait?  What is he thinking?  And just like that…. butterflies.  And just like that… it starts.

Now I’m not saying that normal life crap and drama cause affairs.  However I am saying no help and needs not being met, (emotional, sexual or just simple help) will lead to people finding ways to having those needs met.    Someone doesn’t just hold a door for you and you jump on them undressing them.   I just realized at dinner that if this man truly didn’t have help at home and she never did anything, after awhile that adds up, takes a toll.  I’m not saying its right to have an affair.  I’m not saying that is how you handle a loveless, helpless, sexless marriage.  I’m saying this situation makes it easier for someone to step out, if even to shortly gain their sanity.  Marriage is 50/50.  There are times its 80/20 but you better catch up on your 80 next week when the other is having a 20 week because it gets old being the 80 all the time.

I snapped out of my daze.  My wine was gone, the waiter handed me my bill, I paid, took the food left over to go and went to walk out and guess what, (I swear this happened).  The two kids that were acting up went out the door.  The wife went out the door and let the door fall, the husband picked up a hat his son dropped ran into the door saying thanks for holding the door and then said let me get that for you to me, and held the door open as my kids and I walked through.  In thinking about this the entire meal,  I turned around and made eye contact and said, thanks for holding the door!  He said, you’re welcome.   His wife was already to the car snapping at him to unlock it that it was “fucking cold out, could you hurry the hell up.” She then had to add a rude comment affecting me, “Is HER name Samantha too?”

What a B.

Came home, did homework with the kids, took a shower, got into bed and read.

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My husband didn’t come home last night because Sunday night he got into my pills and after the argument he went to his moms.  Guess he was staying there again last night.

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80 thoughts on “Last night at dinner

  1. I can tell you, from experience, taking your penis out of your pants and showing it to a woman and thinking “Well, this is what I want and I’ll be damned if she doesn’t want it…” Earned me a damnation and a lot of laughter…

    With that being said, I have been in that guy’s seat on a regular basis: “Why don’t you go ask so and so for such and such!” It is amazing what a little kindness will do, and I think we all want that in life. Unfortunately for me, I quit thinking I deserved kindness for the wrongs I did in my marriage. I quit thinking I deserved someone meeting my needs, as a means to stop thinking I deserved better treatment from my wife.

    There are never easy answers i life, and there are times when I think my wife and I are going to make it and there are times when I think we should have never bothered.

    hmmm….and now that I think about it, the emotions of feeling like I deserve something comes back and I know I’ll repress those feelings because of the mistakes I’ve made…

  2. Please leave the option open that she is the one doing all of the work and is acting as a single mom most of the time and working a full time job. What if he has done nothing to help or make her feel appreciated AND is having an affair. I am only saying there are two sides. Why couldn’t it be his 80 day that night? Why would he say those things about his wife, his lover, his confidante — especially in front of their kids? I bet the coffee guy wouldn’t. I bet she would love to have her husband’s attention instead of rebuke. The same attention he gives to Samantha. And yet, in the scenario you put forward, she must be beyond a saint, knowing of her husband’s unfaithfulness, the words he uses to put her down in front of her children, seeing how resentful he gets when he has to unwillingly parent and yet she should still give him positive feedback. That doesn’t sound sane. — Paula

    • Trust me, lol I see and know that option well. I am the one that was acting as a single mother, and the one that decided to have an affair. My story wasn’t as much about who did what to who as it was about how easily things can start when needs aren’t being met. I’m not giving positive feedback for his choices, I’m giving understanding. I’ve walked in those shoes. And even though they shouldn’t have been put on, I wore them because my husband wasn’t walking next to me helping me. He’d rather be high. Everyones situation is different…. the story could have been turned and I would have defended her. I just know what I saw. I know what I did, and I know why I did it. I know why a ton of bloggers I know, both husbands and wives, cheaters and cheated, did it or why it happened. No one is perfect. I have always said it wasn’t the right thing to do, however, I’ve always said I understood it.

    • To this: “Please leave the option open that she is the one doing all of the work and is acting as a single mom most of the time and working a full time job. What if he has done nothing to help or make her feel appreciated AND is having an affair.”

      Exactly!

  3. This is amazing writing, and amazing truth, my friend. It saddens me to think of how many of your readers will see themselves in these words, and the feelings they evoke. It’s so easy to point fingers, and assign blame, and to say THIS is what did us in, but in reality, this and this and this and this made THIS seem like salvation.
    Hugs to you, and your kids. Prayers, too, for all of you.

  4. Your description of how things start is so accurate. I get so sick of wives accusing me of “going after” their husbands, like I planned it all out ahead of time, laid some sort of trap, then completely succeeded in sucking him into an emotional affair. Who plans to suck someone into an emotional affair, by the way, you don’t even get sex out of it!

    I realize I could have stopped at various points, but once you are in deep, it’s very hard to disconnect from someone you have such a strong bond with

  5. I believe you when you say you never meant to have an affair…but it doesn’t matter. That’s why they call it the slippery slope…looking to others to meet your needs instead of addressing them yourself. You didn’t mean to, but you still did it. Intent pales beside actions.
    You sound absolutely miserable. When are you going to make changes? I know you and I don’t usually see eye to eye, but you sound like you are stuck. Why do you continue to put up with all the bad shit in your life? Honestly curious.

    • I’m not stuck. I just could careless if he comes home anymore… maybe that is progress. I’m not crying anymore… I’m not paying the 7k for him to go to rehab anymore. I don’t miss him when he’s gone anymore… I’m working. I’m being a mom. I’m blogging. I’m going to school. I’m trying to think of me more. It doesn’t mean I stop missing someone I miss or wish my husband could pull his head out of his ass for me if not just for his kids. One can wish right?

    • and don’t assume I have a ton of “bad shit” in my life when you seriously know one, (maybe two parts). I have a TON of amazing parts to my life, I just choose to blog on this part because it is the part that will drive me crazy if I don’t get it out of my head.

      • I swear I am not being rude, I understand tone is hard to ‘hear’ in text, but why do you read my blog? You have such issue with what I blog about and how I do things and how I handle my life, why is it you choose to read about it. I don’t understand reading about things that bother me so much.

  6. One can wish, but sounds like it’s doing more harm than good.
    Your husband is an addict. You can’t fix him. He has to do it himself. Since he doesn’t seem inclined, I agree that detaching from him is the healthy thing to do. What doesn’t seem healthy is missing “someone”…if he isn’t ever going to leave his wife, you are forever the OW. No chance for you to move on and find happiness elsewhere. It can be scary to let go of something that does you no good in favor of the unknown, but it’s cruel to his wife and to you to keep you dangling, even just email contact.
    Wouldn’t it be nice to be free?

    • I suppose, but then wouldn’t it be nice to not think of myself ahead of seven others that need me? When they are all raised and gone, then maybe I’ll be selfish and think of myself. Trust me I think we NEED to think of ourselves to be better for others but its not so simple. I have a huge fear of him overdosing because me ending my marriage would send him over the edge. Maybe one day I’ll divorce him… maybe when my youngest is old enough to understand the whys and not think that its my fault. If thats the wrong reason to stay married then so be it. Maybe it will be me dating to get the ball rolling… who knows. But for now this life is the way it is because I can’t seem to find a good way to move forward. Maybe my husband will meet someone and move on… and in his kids eyes that can be his choice. I won’t be the one to look like I sent daddy away especially when he needed so much help. Right or wrong, I don’t know.

  7. You put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others, right? If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of those around you. You CANNOT help him if he doesn’t want to be helped. I swear to god it’s the truth. You also cannot control a damn thing he does. If he wants to take all the pills in the world, he will. You have zero control here.
    The only thing you CAN control is you. You can make decisions that benefit you AND your family. I say this as a child of divorced parents. My dad is an alcoholic. I have never ever wished they had stayed together. They are better off apart, and our family was emotionally healthier after the divorce. Divorce isn’t the worst thing in the world. Sometimes it’s the best solution. I guess I don’t see that modeling marriage as “Daddy gets high and Mom cheated but dang it! They stayed together!” as the healthiest option, you know?

    • actually no, I would be the mom to place my kids’ on before my own because I usually think of them and their well being before my own. I think that comes with being a mother. Now, I’d do mine before some random person, (again not being rude), just showing that it is my kids that I am thinking of either on your plane or in my life and this blogs subject. I don’t need control of him. I’m not trying to control him. I’m trying to be a wife who was there when he needed help. TRYING. I won’t try forever but for now, I’m trying. And my children don’t know of my affair, only my oldest son, and he knows how alone I was/am and he knows I think it wasn’t the right thing to do. He knows I didn’t handle it well and he knows what my husband does. He also knows I deserve to be happy and he thinks I should move on. When I get my youngest to that point then maybe I’ll move on and you can say I told you so and be my new best friend.

      • they tell you that about the mask because you will black out if you don’t put your own on. Then there’s nobody to help your kids. Do you think saying you put their masks on first makes you a superior mother?

      • oh my god, no, it means my motherly instinct would be to help my kids before myself… and when oxygen drops and people are going to be passing out- damn straight I’d give them theirs before mine. Do you have children? If you do I’m worried you may be lacking your motherly instinct.

      • if you don’t put yours on first you will be one of the people passing out. Then your kids are on their own. That’s why every plane I’ve ever been on they tell you that. It isn’t a motherly instinct thing, it’s a practical thing. It’s for a reason!
        For damn sure i will put my mask on myself first before my kids-and yes i have them-because if I’m unconsious on the floor there is nobody to help them I am useless if i don’t take care of myself…no good to anyone else. My matenal instincts are spot on, trust me.

  8. Why to I read? I guess what bothers me the most is seeing an intelligent person making choices that have brought pain to a lot of people.
    Let’s set it straight: the fact that you had an affair doesn’t bother me. It happens. It’s a shitty thing. It doesn’t JUST happen, true, one makes choices, but it happens. I get it. My mom was the OW. I don’t think all OW are evil conniving whores; that seems like a strawman you put up now and again to defend yourself. What bothers me, is people who make poor choices and then defend them. Is your life the best it could be? If not, why? What can you do to make it better? Look inside yourself.
    I said a few days ago, and I truly believe it, re: your marriage and former AP, you are trapped in a prison of your own making. You have the keys to free yourself but you won’t do it.

    If I haven’t recommended the Wayward forum at survivinginfidelty.com, I will do so now. Lots of folk who had affairs and did really awful shitty things, who had the courage to look really hard at themselves and become better people. For them I have all the respect in the world. At least check it out.

    • Sad? no.
      Lonely? a little.
      Scared? some.
      Hopeful? yes.
      If you read my blog in the beginning I think I’ve come a LONG way. I’m not sobbing over him anymore. I’m not giving my time effort and energy in finding my husband and paying for his help. I’m explaining it to each of my kids as they get older. Baby steps right? I’m getting there… if the speed I’m doing it at bothers you then I don’t know what to say. I truly feel like I’m trying.

  9. He held the door open for you, a stranger, not for her, the wife he cheated on. Says a lot about him not much about her I think.

    I know quite a bit about how affairs start. Choosing to continue some cheap laughs with someone while your spouse is doing all the work. Usually it is the one who isn’t putting much in that cheats, not the one who is neglected. That’s the funny part.

    And some women actually do “go after” a married man. In my case she wanted to get out of her own unhappy marriage and have a soft landing. She scoped him for a year. He was not a player, she worked slowly. Finally she made a bold move when he was far away and she knew he had depression. It was pretty low. He thinks so too even though he takes responsibility for not seeing the boundary crossing.

    It’s just kind of sad that despite claiming to be a neglected wife you still identify with the cheater not the neglected wife. That reveals something.

    • I think you know one thing about how affairs start–your own impression of how your husband’s affair started. You go to all these different blogs that reveal a different story and you don’t absorb them, you don’t take them in, you take what you THINK went on with your husband and his affair and smear it over everyone else.

      What on earth makes you think you know what she was thinking. Or that your husband wasn’t the instigator. You don’t, you have no clue, you weren’t there. All you have is the word of a man who lied to you for a very long time so he could have an affair with another woman

      The woman writing this blog is married and cheated. Does it sound like she was after “cheap laughs” while her husband did the hard work? Give me a break

      • I know because I read her admissions in black and white written at the time together with the chronology of her actions. Of course I’m not relying on what he or she or anyone else says now about what happened. That would be idiotic. I’m highly skeptical of anyone’s hindsight.

  10. I have read your piece here but what has fascinated me more than anything are the comments.

    People are so quick to point out fault without seeing the total picture.

    I also stuck around after an affair for the betterment of my kids lives. Their happiness meant more to me than my own.

    Keep your head held high love

  11. How is it you always manage to write something that touches at emotions I felt or feel? I often wonder if everyone in that type of situation feels the same way or am I the only one, thank you for reminding me I am not alone.

  12. Its interesting that you talk about having an open mind but are so quick to blame the betrayed spouse for everything. You don’t even know the people you saw but you call his wife a “B.” Did it ever occur to you that maybe she is a “B” because of how he treats her outside of the restaurant?? Of course not. I guess I’m not that surprised that you demonize his wife without even knowing what she’s been through and act like you know their marriage based on an exchange between the two of them in a restaurant. Needs not being met is not a reason to have an affair and hurt people. Its a reason to talk to your spouse, let them know of your plans to cheat aka being honest or separating/getting a divorce.

    • I called her a B for asking if my name was Samantha too.. THAT was rude, betrayed or not. And if the way she acted all night was the way she treated me I’d want to be with someone else too. Now, I’m not saying two wrongs make a right, I’m saying treat others the way you want to be treated. No body is perfect. Not not me or even you dear Susie.

      • Oh and I feel like I DO have an open mind. I never blame one side or the other. I have always said both sides are married, both sides have the issue and both sides have to deal with what they will do to solve the issue. I don’t side with anyone. I have always said I don’t think one should go out and have an affair, that its not the way to handle things…. don’t paint me as a horrible person you don’t even know me. If you don’t like what you read here, no one says you have to…

      • Of course no one is perfect. Never said that. But I just think it’s very un-openminded of you to assume so much about the woman in this situation without knowing her. Sorry, I don’t think asking if your name was Samantha too deserved calling her a B….

  13. I want to apologize if I cam doff as snarky and mean. I didn’t mean to but I felt that your characterization of a woman you have never met or known outside of observing them was incredibly unfair. Calling her a “B” was just a bit much especially since you don’t know either of them or their relationship dynamics and I notice that you and your blog normally demonize to some extent the betrayed spouse/person in these situations. It struck a nerve with me and I apologize for coming at you with an attitude. Hopefully you’ll realize that there are two sides of the story. I understand that its hard for you to think like that because you are biased but maybe one day you’ll see that. So sorry again for catching an attitude with you in my comment. Have a nice day.

    • I would call anyone a B for talking to anyone else like she spoke to him. Affair or no affair, betrayed or not betrayed. My sister, my mom or myself. If you act like a bitch guess what? Someone MIGHT call you a bitch. Thank you for the apology though.

      • I would agree along the same lines of “if your marriage is awful don’t cheat.” If your marriage is awful, don’t demean your spouse in front of your children. And don’t insult random people in a restaurant who you don’t know at all.

        Of course there are two sides to the story, including (potentially) how that woman made her husband feel before the affair.

  14. Pingback: Last night’s dinner… and how we really got here | ritualofdesecration

  15. This story made me wonder briefly the couples backstory, then consider, at length mine. The couples brief exchange allowed me to read volumes of my life into theirs, but at last it is my life I am really reading. All I can really take away is that I see pain in both of them in that exchange. Or I’m just reading my life into them…
    Shameless plug, but I wrote a pretty in-depth post on the inspiration of what “Being Her”s’ and others have posted about this couples exchange over on my blog. Would love some feed back from others.

    Thank you again Being Her for stirring up conversation and contemplation.

  16. I did everything I could to be the best wife, in fact I still do everything I can. I do more than 50/50, I probably do more like 90 to his 10. I cook, I clean, I have sex with him, I give him BJs even though I get jaw pain, I listen to him talk about his passionate obsessions with antiques, I support him emotionally, I look after his child, I’ve lost 14 kilos in 3 months for him, I even support us financially whilst he borrows money from me every week so that he can buy himself more antiques whilst I’m struggling to financially survive and put food in our mouths. I’ve done everything possible to be the best I can be for him.

    SO what needs haven’t I met? Or tried to meet? What needs does he meet for me? He doesn’t even try to meet my needs. I’m always doing the meeting-needs thing. You tell me where I’ve gone wrong?

    I’m dying inside every day since finding out. If the shoe was on the other foot, if it had been me having an affair, he would’ve killed me. Instead my values dictate that loyalty to one’s partner and telling them the truth is extremely important, so I would never cheat on him. But it’s ok for him to cheat on me? He told me that what I didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me. Well it has hurt me, big time.

    WHY should he be able to get his needs met elsewhere when I’m trying my best to meet his needs? And I’m supposed to just accept him not meeting my needs AND him fucking around behind my back? I just don’t understand how that works.

    • I don’t mean this to be harsh, at all, but I think the fact that you have done all that for him and not anything for yourself is part of the problem. You need to love yourself and treat yourself as well as you do him.

      As an example, why did you lose weight for him? Lose weight for your own self-esteem, health and happiness. As soon as you start doing the right things for the right reasons, instead of for the wrong reasons, you will either realize he isn’t worth it or he will realize he has a strong woman to be dealt with.

      Either way, you will be better off taking care of yourself better

      • I have a history of anorexia, which he knows about, I put on weight because I was pregnant, I only lost 14kgs because he was telling me I was fat (telling me I was fat despite knowing that is a huge blow to my self-esteem), despite other people I know telling me that I looked much better with some weight on rather than being stick thin.

        Thank you for the advice.

      • OK, that’s awful. I know he is your husband, but he is not a nice man. The idea of ever telling someone with a history of anorexia that they need to lose weight is horrifying. Love yourself enough to leave!!!!! I am a strong believer that it is better for children to grow up with happy, independent parents than watching an unhappy relationship play out over years. Love yourself, there is only one of you

    • Though I don’t know the whole story, and I feel your pain an anguish. I will say, as a man, that sometimes it is not only physical needs that a man needs, but also emotional needs. My wife takes care of my physical needs very very well. And because she meets my physical needs, she felt justified in ignoring or even disparaging my emotional needs. Because she made me dinner, she could feel justified in insulting me with a criticism of some mistake that I made – not really knowing the hurt that caused me. And because I’m a man, it’s not like I broke down crying like a boy. That does not justify my desecration – please hear that, but understand that physical needs are the end of it all.

      I’m offering this in the hopes that it might help – I don’t know you, I don’t know your actions with your husband. I’m just reflecting on my situation.

      Also – you might just be suffering at the hands of a narcissist. Some people just want to have their cake and eat it to. Some people do not have a valid moral compass, you might simple have married an immoral person who is willing to betray you for his own lusts despite any thing you did or didn’t do. It is like marrying an alcoholic, he might just be willing to drink his life away despite your best efforts.

      • Thank you ritualofdesecration, I have been reading your blog btw, fascinating read! Thank you for your advice too.

        The whole time he was having the affair, I was providing emotional support. He’d get so depressed, and I didn’t know why or what to do, only to find out that the reason he was so depressed was because him and his mistress would break up and get back together again and break up and get back together again ad nauseum. It was so bad that when I went into premature labour with my son, I didn’t bother telling him because he was nowhere to be found (possibly with her???) and I figured that after weeks of an emotional iceblock I didn’t want to make things any worse. I’d cry myself to sleep in my room whilst he’d sit on the internet for hours talking to her, cry myself to sleep because I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know what, and when I tried to connect with him there was nothing.

        I feel like I was the one with no emotional support. Example is me giving birth prematurely, my baby is whisked off to intensive care, I’m all by myself in the hospital alone crying my eyes out because my heart is breaking because I’m so scared that my baby is going to die, and he’s at home contacting his mistress.

        I even tried to provide emotional support after I found out about his affair. I told him that I would love him no matter what, that this hurts me so deeply, but that I will always love him. That I can understand why he loved her (the OW) and I can understand it if he grieves over their relationship, that I wanted to be there for him whilst he grieves.

        He’s cheated in every serious relationship he’s been in.

      • Hi crying… thank you for reading my stuff and the complement. I, once again have to say that it is inspired by Being Her’s excellent writing and the invigorating community on wordpress.

        Leave me a comment on my blog.

        I promise that I will do what I can to help in anyway that I can.

        Like I said to Susie below – maybe you did do everything right. Maybe your husband is simply a monster, completely devoid of any really compassion or love for you. A pure narcissist.

        People can be like that. I believe that because hell, sometimes, I am like that. Most of the time, my mother was like that. Serial killers are exactly like that (note, I’m not a serial killer – just addicted to sex).

        Ultimately, the blame is completely your husbands. No matter what your actions did or didn’t do, his choice to cheat was his. He was wrong.

        I will tell you, if he truly is a complete phsycopath or utter narcissist, you would way better off leaving. An utter narcissist will only fuck you over; because no matter how strongly you love them, no matter how much you give, they will only take and take and never care about you at all.

        It may simply be better to find someone else.

    • I am not a betrayed person but I’ve been affected by infidelity and the comments in relation to your post are quite interesting. It seems like even when the betrayed person does the right things, takes care of their spouses needs, they are still blamed for the affair. It’s sad. Can’t win ever in these situations– you’ll always be the bad guy. You cook clean/ have a physical relationship with him, listen to him talk/complain (which seems to be an emotional component, if you ask me, desecration), give him money and all without having YOUR needs met, but no one cares that the Wayward spouse isn’t meeting your needs, instead people will find some way that you did wrong and justify that as to why he cheated on you. It sucks. I hope you are doing well and can find happiness. It’s a long road but you’ll get there.

      • Hi Susie, I can absolutely see the point your making and I hope my comments/writing express this point: I am the bad guy. There is no arguing that at all – it is the fact.

        But as the bad guy here, I also seek acknowledgment of the decisions my spouse made that hurt me. Most of the time, I believe, people in an affair are simply normal, moral people that are hurting and looking for relief to their pain. When another human being is the source of some type of pain, the human soul tends to seek – at least – acknowledgment of that hurt.

        The responsibility of the actions I chose – and pls hear me here – the full responsibility of the actions belongs to me, myself, and I. My wife hurt me, but could I have made other choices and not cheated; absolutely. I could have chose to drink, I could have chose to commit suicide, I could have chosen violence; I could have chose therapy; I could have done 100 other things. Adultery is what I chose.

        Also, it is my experience that no human is pure white, so hearing statements like “takes care of their spouses needs…”, it makes me want to hear you acknowledge the general human condition: we are all shades of gray. I fundamentally do not believe that one human being can take care of all the needs of another; I could be wrong, but that is what I believe.

        But I need to acknowledge one thing – for both you and cryingbluetears, sometimes people truly are victims. People are murdered simply because some monster lusts for power; people are raped simply because they were on the wrong street at the wrong time. Some people do marry monsters; monsters that are truly do not really care for them, cheat on them and have little to no regard for them. Just like some people marry spouses that are addicted to drugs and ~ no matter what the spouse does ~ the other spouse will continue to use drugs.

        For both types of marriages, I feel nothing but empathy, sympathy and compassion.

  17. I am beyond thrilled that I stumbled upon your blog. It’s honest and I can relate on so many levels to what you write about. Excellent post. Affairs are never planned. They happen, I just feel sorry for the wife at that dinner table who knows about her husband’s “Samantha.” I’m secretly hoping she hits it off with the coffee guy. As you wrote in a previous post, maybe it will help their marriage– you never know.

  18. Wow. I’m so pleased I came across this! I can so relate to so much of it. So many affairs ‘evolve’. It’s a world where people judge harshly, but only the ones who have walked the path actually seem to be able to understand how innocently they start, until one day you realise that you can’t think of anyone else but this ‘amazing person’ who makes you happier than you can remember being in years.

  19. This post gave me shivers. Not necessarily the scenario but the emotions that you were feeling during dinner were ridiculously in sync with my own (and many others, it would seem. Sidenote: it is both encouraging and disheartening to see how many others can relate). I realize that I am late coming to the game, but I am so very grateful to have found this blog.

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