Everyday you were there. Everyday we talked. Everyday I laughed.
We had moments of connecting. Moments of deep conversations.
Lots of story telling. Lots of sharing. Lots of past hurts discussed.
Everyday I woke up to your messages. Every night I fell asleep thinking of you.
Our choices just kind of happened. I couldn’t imagine my life without you.
I was at this new place where I felt butterflies again.
Every moment you filled my head. I wondered where you where and what you were doing and if you were thinking about me.
I’d see something that we did or talked about and I’d find a smile crossing my face on its own.
I’d see beautiful things or hear something funny and couldn’t wait to share them with you.
I’d hear a song that spoke to me causing you to fill my mind like steam.
You became what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be with all the time.
I couldn’t figure out how I could have you forever.
I felt happy, alive, content, satisfied, needed, wanted and adored.
The thing was, I never pretend to be something I wasn’t.
I always wanted to be my best for you.
I found myself wanting to please you and love you and make you happy before I ever found myself thinking about myself. I got so much pleasure out of making you smile and laugh.
Your stories affected me. They made me laugh with you, hurt for you, angry at other causing you the hurt. I became protective of you in a sense.
And then you were gone.
The ache was indescribable.
The hurt was excruciating.
The loneliness was beyond silent.
The tears were beyond running out.
The silence was deafening.
The not hearing from you was worrisome.
I felt like my best friend had died.
My two friends that knew watched me sob over someone I should have never loved.
They urged me to get out of bed.
I felt like my best friend had died. There one second and gone the next.
My heart couldn’t understand what my head had been screaming all along.
I would stand behind doors crying. People laughing and going about life on the other side having no idea I’d been broken.
I would cry silently in my pillow at night. Realizing my greatest fear would never be seeing you, hugging you, laughing with you or being touched by you again.
I know for a fact that first four months was the hardest part of my life ever.
I truly had no idea what it was like to lose someone.
Someone you would do anything to be able to have for five more minutes.
All I wanted was a chance to have a proper goodbye. To tell you in person how much I loved you and how very much you meant to me.
I can’t believe I’ve know you for four years this June. Seems like yesterday I met you , yet it feels like forever ago.
I love the memories you left me. They will never fade.
You will never fade.