You will never fade…

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Everyday you were there.  Everyday we talked.  Everyday I laughed.

We had moments of connecting.  Moments of deep conversations.

Lots of story telling.  Lots of sharing.  Lots of past hurts discussed.

Everyday I woke up to your messages.  Every night I fell asleep thinking of you.

Our choices just kind of happened.   I couldn’t imagine my life without you.

I was at this new place where I felt butterflies again.

Every moment you filled my head.  I wondered where you where and what you were doing and if you were thinking about me.

I’d see something that we did or talked about and I’d find a smile crossing my face on its own.

I’d see beautiful things or hear something funny and couldn’t wait to share them with you.

I’d hear a song that spoke to me causing you to fill my mind like steam.

You became what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be with all the time.

I couldn’t figure out how I could have you forever.

I felt happy, alive, content, satisfied, needed, wanted and adored.

The thing was, I never pretend to be something I wasn’t.

I always wanted to be my best for you.

I found myself wanting to please you and love you and make you happy before I ever found myself thinking about myself.  I got so much pleasure out of making you smile and laugh.

Your stories affected me.  They made me laugh with you, hurt for you, angry at other causing you the hurt.  I became protective of you in a sense.

And then you were gone.

Physically gone.

The ache was indescribable.

The hurt was excruciating.

The loneliness was beyond silent.

The tears were beyond running out.

The silence was deafening.

The not hearing from you was worrisome.

I felt like my best friend had died.

My two friends that knew watched me sob over someone I should have never loved.

They urged me to get out of bed.

I felt like my best friend had died.  There one second and gone the next.

My heart couldn’t understand what my head had been screaming all along.

I would stand behind doors crying.  People laughing and going about life on the other side having no idea I’d been broken.

I would cry silently in my pillow at night.  Realizing my greatest fear would never be seeing you, hugging you, laughing with you or being touched by you again.

I know for a fact that first four months was the hardest part of my life ever.

I truly had no idea what it was like to lose someone.

Someone you would do anything to be able to have for five more minutes.

All I wanted was a chance to have a proper goodbye.  To tell you in person how much I loved you and how very much you meant to me.

I can’t believe I’ve know you for four years this June.  Seems like yesterday I met you , yet it feels like forever ago.

I love the memories you left me.  They will never fade.

You will never fade.

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16 thoughts on “You will never fade…

  1. They say a love lost is like a death…

    I’m always shocked by those who “feel nothing” for an ex-lover. It tells me that their love is always conditional and that they have a difficult time seeing the good in situations – even those situations that went bad.

    I actually argued with my wife once, because she was shocked that I don’t “hate” and of my ex-girlfriends. I always have the frame of of mind that things need to be left in the past, good, bad, whatever…but it doesn’t mean I have to reject the feelings I once had.

    • true. Everyone at some point meant something to us. Its easy to forget that. We weren’t stupid in the past, we were just younger. We didn’t have less feelings or needs for that matter. I think partners just hate to hear or accept that you did in fact love someone other than them at some point.

  2. Thank you for sharing this, you are not alone. Yesterday I felt physically ill all day, it is debilitating, It seems to come in waves of pain.

      • I feel I am too old to feel this way..I am surrounded by pizza boxes and diet coke cans…LOL laughably pathetic..lol

      • well, lol I might suggest something healthier, but then I surrounded myself in children and wine. Intoxicating insanity. Not a great way to deal… I’m thinking now the pizza and coke might have been a better choice. All jokes aside, it does get better.

  3. If it had gone the other way you wouldn’t be feeling absolutely horrible for leaving his wife feeling like this. And she had a right to expect fidelity which an affair partner doesn’t. It just seems shallow to focus on self inflicted pain when you hurt someone else much more. Like someone murders someone and gets hurt in the process. You wouldn’t have much sympathy for the murderer would you?

  4. Reblogged this on vibrantlei and commented:
    Its like ur describing my life…its been almost six months and no matter how much i have going on in my life or how many great people I have in my life…its just starting to feel better…but im treated like a non factor by him and tbat will always hurt…but i still smile

  5. Hello! Thanks for posting.. i realized that i was not alone in this grieving i have i just lost my boyfriend for 10years without even saying goodbye and saying I love him for the last time.. he was so young to die and so sudden… its been almost 8months since he passed away.. and its been a roller coaster ride.. im trying to be happy so others won’t be affected but still inside im crying…i cry myself to sleep and wake up crying again..im scared of being lonely….

  6. I think this is where I am about to be. I don’t think I could have written anything so true. Thank you for summing up how I feel so perfectly.

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