I was thinking…


It was true for me and I have read it many times on other blogs of people who have had affairs, so I want to blog about the subject. The subject of marriages improving while you have an affair.  Sounds crazy right?  Well maybe not for everyone but for me, it was the case.  I couldn’t say if this was true or not for the MM I had an affair with and his wife or not, because I didn’t really ask that question of him.  However I know his relationship was up and down with her as most of our marriages are in one way or another.

I think in my case, (and I’m only speaking in my case here), but simply put, I was happy.  I felt important in the life of someone.  I felt butterflies over someone.  Someone was calling me, and texting me, and emailing me and WANTED to be.  Someone really cared about me.  Well lots of people care about us but not always in a relationship kind of way.  Those needs and feelings being met made me happy and a little less stressed out. I think when one is happy and feels like they are not empty, (all their emotional and physical needs are being met), they are able to truly think of others.  They don’t have the mind block of being sad or unhappy or unsatisfied in some way.  I think because I was happy, I was less on edge, because I was less on edge I didn’t feel like I was going to rip someone head off because the house was dirty RIGHT after I cleaned it.   Odd thing is then, your not bitching and you suddenly look less stressed and ‘softer’ in your husbands eyes.  OH GUESS WHAT?  That morning because you look like that, he compliments you.  One time, the first time in forever.  And the compliment catches you off guard.  Maybe you are spending more time on your outfits, or you have been making sure your panties and bras match.  You picked out a new perfume.  You have made sure to not miss a nail appointment.  It could be physical.  For me personally it was 100% emotional.  My husband was gone most of the beginning of my affair.  I was just incredibly lonely.  I’m not talking gone like military or work.  I’m talking gone like uninvolved and uninterested.  But my bitching and nagging stopped on the phone calls to him.  I was suddenly telling him, “Do what you need to do, bye!”  VS “Why are you doing this?  You are never here, this isn’t fair to me or the kids!”  The difference was originally he heard, I need you, you should be here, or me complaining and truly being a bitch out of frustration.  It shifted to, I’m happy and I can careless what you do or decide to do because we are making it work without you.  That freaked him out I think.  He started coming by.  Going out to dinner with us.  My appearance never was really affected, only because I am OCD about it. LOL.  Before or during my affair or even now I always do my hair, makeup and try and look nice.  I am NOT that mom that can be in her pajamas and go to the grocery store.  Hell, I’m not even that mom that can hang out in her pajamas all day on Saturday because she isn’t going anywhere.  Every morning I go straight from bed to the shower and get dressed.  I have my coffee after I get ready.   He my husband just saw me go from stressing out about his whereabouts to giving up completely and finding my happiness somewhere else.   Suddenly he was home.  Suddenly he was trying.  Suddenly I had a problem.  Where as when my affair started I felt ‘sort of available’ because I was separated (not by choice), but by reality.  He never came home.  We are not talking three days.  We are talking months at a time that added up to years.  I didn’t care at first because my focus was my kids.  I slowly started to realize I had needs too.  Talking to someone was easy.  Getting to know my AP was easy.  Looking forward to his emails, texts was easy.  Meeting him was a little harder.  But became easy.  Finding that we had feelings for each other over time, was easy.  Being intimate took a long time… it was a step that I don’t think either of us were really ready for and we respected each other.  But even then after a long time that was, (I don’t want to say easy),  well, there are no words.

I read blogs and find that a lot of bloggers who had affairs, or who are having them experience their marriages improving during that time.  Maybe its guilt?  Maybe its simply you are happy.  Maybe its because your mind is thinking of your encounter the night before or the next day and you are not focusing on your husbands dirty boxers on the floor 2.5 inches from the hamper.  Or maybe you didn’t seem to care too much about the $50 bucks your wife spent on a blouse that she already has two of that are similar.  The little things seem to become suddenly little again when you are happy.  Anyone else in your situation find this to be true?  I’ve just read it a lot and experienced it personally.

20 thoughts on “I was thinking…

  1. I used to see a therapist (shocking, I know…’cause how can anyone think I’m nutz??), about the reality of my marriage. And I came to the realization that the reason my wife was so miserable, wasn’t me so much as it was her needs were not being met by me. Now most people would think that I am solely responsible in meeting her needs, but not only is that not fair to me, it’s not practical of me. In other words, my wife wanted me to meet all of her needs at all times – a literal impossibility. Because of that, there was a time, I actually requested she had an affair so she would quit making me responsible for EVERYTHING. She never did…her loss, I suppose. But I stopped taking responsibility for the things I had no control over.

    As to address the point you were making: I think you hit on something vital – meeting needs. I think when our needs are met, we become a happier person. And it is impossible to make others happy when you are not. People, inherently, thrive on happiness. With that being said, we always feel better about ourselves when we are around happy people – which seems to be why we feel a need to make others happy too. So, in an affair, we are having needs met, which reduces stress. Now, I’m certainly not advocating people have an affair, but I am advocating taking a look at your needs and trying to find ways to have those met. As a perpetrator in an affair, however, I know damn well know that it is easier said than done; but at the same time, consequences will occur.

    With that being said, I have always believed that happiness originates internally – it’s a choice. But at the same time, there are external things that can influence how we react and that we react from our internal thoughts and feelings. So, understanding what’s going on outside helps you understand what decisions to make to make happiness work.

    • I agree with you. However in my case… nothing can be met… needs or otherwise if he never came home. That is why I feel my having an affair was kind of different. Not justified. Not okay, just different.

  2. My marriage has had a huge upswing. I think guilt has a small part to play. Having an outlet for my need helped reduce a lot of stress that I carried home most nights. Mostly, though, the passion I feel for my OW reminded me of the passion I used to have for my wife. Instead of just giving up on that, I started trying to figure out why I had lost that passion, and then started actively trying to rekindle that passion.

    Great point about the “reverb” that happens, as you “soften” up, he notices – so then he “softens” up and you notice… I’ve been writing a draft about that same concept.

    Thanks for the excellent writing!

  3. i have never been the other woman, but i have been the wife who got cheated on, and i promise you it didnt make our marriage better. next to my daughter passing away it was one of the most painful things i have ever been through

  4. Yes! Well said, this is me!!
    My marriage is now beginning to improve however after it is over. It is my realization of everything you wrote about prior to it even ending.

    “In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.”
    Albert Schweitzer quotes (German medical Missionary, Theologian, Musician and Philosopher. 1952 Nobel Peace Prize, 1875-1965)

  5. Re-blogged as I completely can relate to this. I especially like the quote that TM has put in the response.
    Thank you for continuing to share your experience, you put things so much more eloquently than I can.

  6. I am currently in a relationship as the OW, and while I’m not quite sure how it impacts his relationship with his wife, I do know that he’s VERY happy to see me–and vice-versa. I’ve also been in your position, and what you wrote about the sudden compliments and attention from the husband is true. My (now soon to be ex) husband, suddenly NOTICED me again when I began having an affair. After months (closer to a year) of being virtually ignored by him, emotionally and sexually, he NOTICED me again. As far as his fidelity was concerned, well, there wasn’t much of that. Affairs can hurt and they can heal. I’ve experienced it all. Great post.

  7. I just figured this out after 2 years of the most hellacious emotional roller coaster. My aha moment. It all makes perfect sense to me now. The intense pursuit followed by indifference then repeat. I’m the lifeline of his marriage.
    When he had my attention he felt strong and took me for granted. The instant I started to distance myself he fell apart.
    I recently told him that one way or another, this must end. He responded, while vacationing with wife, that he realized he can’t give me what I need and his eyes have been opened to that, now, more than ever before. Forgive my cynicism but, I laughed to myself when I realized the absurdity of this statement. Two years is not lapse in judgement. There is something fundamentally wrong with his marriage . I’m the bandaid. Time to rip it off.

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