Five years

Five years. Five years ago today. Five years ago I posted a post on Craigslist saying I wanted to only talk to someone in my same boat.  Someone who was married and felt alone.  Someone who lacked that loving partner.  Someone who just wanted a friendly distraction from everyday life. Someone who wanted to only talk. No strings. No sex. No nothing. Just conversation.   He replied.   

See, I wasn’t looking to cheat. Truly.  I wasn’t looking to hook up.  Having an affair wasn’t on my agenda.  I was just so lonely.  I wanted to hear someone else felt the same.  Someone else just needed an ear. Someone else had hopes, dreams and desires in life that someone cared to hear about.  He replied.  

And it’s never stopped.  It’s changed- a lot. But it’s never stopped.  There was a huge gap in conversation when his wife found out and it nearly killed me.  I don’t have to have him, though I’d love to.  I don’t have to touch him, though I’d adore to. What I need is to see his words in text. Know he’s okay. Know he thinks of me and know he will never forget ‘us’.  And he does. Every. Single. Day.   Our marriages are in the same place. Our lives are in the same place. Our families are in the same place. The only thing new is everyday the conversations we have.  Until today. Today I saw him.  Today I welcomed his hug and became numb with his kiss.  I got to see him.  I talk to him everyday, but today I got to see him. Today of all days.  It’s been five years since he replied that very first time. Five years of laughter, tears, love and heartbreak.  Five years of loving someone you can’t have.  Five years of meaningful things like a song, the moon, a gesture or the color red.  I’ve never loved anyone more.   Ever.