Five years

  
Five years. Five years ago today. Five years ago I posted a post on Craigslist saying I wanted to only talk to someone in my same boat.  Someone who was married and felt alone.  Someone who lacked that loving partner.  Someone who just wanted a friendly distraction from everyday life. Someone who wanted to only talk. No strings. No sex. No nothing. Just conversation.   He replied.   

See, I wasn’t looking to cheat. Truly.  I wasn’t looking to hook up.  Having an affair wasn’t on my agenda.  I was just so lonely.  I wanted to hear someone else felt the same.  Someone else just needed an ear. Someone else had hopes, dreams and desires in life that someone cared to hear about.  He replied.  

And it’s never stopped.  It’s changed- a lot. But it’s never stopped.  There was a huge gap in conversation when his wife found out and it nearly killed me.  I don’t have to have him, though I’d love to.  I don’t have to touch him, though I’d adore to. What I need is to see his words in text. Know he’s okay. Know he thinks of me and know he will never forget ‘us’.  And he does. Every. Single. Day.   Our marriages are in the same place. Our lives are in the same place. Our families are in the same place. The only thing new is everyday the conversations we have.  Until today. Today I saw him.  Today I welcomed his hug and became numb with his kiss.  I got to see him.  I talk to him everyday, but today I got to see him. Today of all days.  It’s been five years since he replied that very first time. Five years of laughter, tears, love and heartbreak.  Five years of loving someone you can’t have.  Five years of meaningful things like a song, the moon, a gesture or the color red.  I’ve never loved anyone more.   Ever. 

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14 thoughts on “Five years

  1. “I wasn’t looking to cheat. Truly.” There was a time when I may have understood or even agreed with you that what you were doing wasn’t cheating. Now I completely disagree. I am also very glad that both my husband and I feel that messaging someone secretly to talk about deeply personal things IS cheating. Whether you planned to have sex initially or not, what you were doing was cheating. Emotional cheating. Which very often leads to physical cheating, exactly as it did for you.

    I know your situation was terribly sad and broken. I know he was absent and involved in drugs. I know you felt incredibly lonely. I get all of that. It’s all grounds for leaving him. Not cheating. And cheating is what you did. It may have only started as emotional cheating, but once emotions are involved it’s already too late…

  2. I envy you in that you are still able to still keep in touch with HIM. After many many years of no contact, I had the chance to talk to my HIM. I said no and totally regret it.

  3. *sigh* it’s amazing isn’t it? when the connection, whether virtual or in moments in real life, is more than enough to sustain that love. as heartbreaking as it is, it is also a gift. congratulations on 5 years of knowing that kind of love. of knowing that kind of connection. he and I have recently passed 3-years and like you, I cannot trivialize just what he means to me. ever. thank you for sharing. {{hugs}}

  4. I read this post about a week ago. I can’t get it out of my mind and here’s why:

    I found your blog about two years ago as I was settling into my own role of being “her”. I don’t need to get into the unbelievable twists and turns and chaos and maddening passion and heartache and exhilaration this time has been. I don’t need to, because you already know.

    Each time I have felt our time winding down (there have been several almost-stops and starts), I would read your blog and find solace in the fact that YOU made it out. You wake up every day and breathe and have coffee and take care of your kids and work and go grocery shopping and you did it all after saying goodbye to HIM and you survived without him.

    It always made me feel better. Knowing the inevitable demise is there, but that I COULD MAKE IT WITHOUT HIM.

    And then I read this and it confirmed what I was refusing to admit to myself – I will never be able to be without him. In some capacity. Text, phone calls, etc. But I think when he’s gone, he’ll have to GO for good. And then what? What will become of me??? It’s funny how suddenly I’m back in this desperate place as my affair continues to wind itself down.

  5. I just came across your blog and I’m sad but happy. Sad that others are feeling this way but happy in a way to not be alone. It has been twenty years for me. Yeah- you read that right – 20 years. He has been married just over 20- me 23 years but I’ve loved him for almost 20 years. I was instantly attracted the day we met 20 years ago in Nov 1995. We worked together for 11 years. We realized we shared a birthday, became fast friends and started communting together. When we had a sort of “a ha” moment that we were more than friends he was the stronger one and decided that we should end contact as I was leaving for another job. That broke my heart and those 15 months of scant contact were very painful. We worked our way back to each other and though we clearly have had feelings for each other maintained a platonic relationship until 6 months ago when he kissed me. Twenty years of wanting this man and he finally kisses me. It’s been a see-saw of emotions since that day. He draws me in and pushes me away. The longing, the love in his eyes – the need and want to be with each other followed quickly by the guilt. As you can imagine after all this time we know each others spouses and children. But I know this is not a fleeing feeling for me- I see him in everything. If I don’t hear from him for a few days it feels like torture. I start to feel sad and lonley even in the midst of chaos of my own busy home. I love a married man and he loves me. The few stolen moments we have are precious and real. We have both acknowledged that we do not want to hurt our spouses nor do we plan on ending our marriages because we don’t want to break apart our families. I don’t know how much longer this can go on. It hurts to think about ending it- he is my best friend. I can see how we go on being friends now that we have crossed this line after all these years. If I’m honest we’ve been emotionally crossing a line for a long time but this added physical aspect seems hard to come back from. I sometimes wonder if our spouses know and just choose to not acknowledge it because it would be too hard. The rumors at work got back to me all those years ago that we were having an affair- when we weren’t. People saw how we looked at each other even then. Love is love and i think ours is obvious. He recently turned down a job offer in another state and a mutual friend of ours said “of course he did’ inferring that he wouldn’t be able to leave me.
    Life and love is complicated- I’m sorry for your pain but I’m glad to know I’m not alone.

  6. I ran across your page a year ago, shortly after our Dday and it gave me courage things would get better. I’m here going on 15 mo. and I have not stopped thinking about him or wanting him back. He never tried to contact me again, and even the times we have seen each other in town, he avoids all eye contact. I long for a day like you had. To look in his eyes again, perhaps kiss him again, and just hear him say he never forgot about me either.

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