The ugly green troll peeked around the corner. His name tag read, “Jealousy.”

Well hello blogging friends.  I hope you all have been doing well.  I have really missed a few of you… okay well most of you, but there were a few that really got me.  Didn’t judge. You make some really great friends in some really random places.

I have been doing well.  I’d like to say things were different in one way or another but they are not.  The only thing that seems to have changed is my kids keep growing up quicker and quicker.  I look at my situation and its all the same.  My husband is still imperfect and human as we all are apparently.  His weakness for pain pills is real.  I’ve put him in rehab more times than one.  It just sucks when you know he behind all that is a good guy and cares about his kids.  I think being here and having kids is all that is keeping him going.  That right there is my fear of ending it.  If you knew staying with someone is what seriously keeps them alive do you stay? You probably find yourself in a situation fairly similar to mine.  Going through all the motions, playing house and find an outlet for your needs to be met.  Maybe those needs are only emotional.  Maybe you take it a step further and make it physical too. Then that scary thing happens where we get feelings for this other person.  That obnoxious L word shows its face.  Learning to love someone that isn’t yours to do just that, love them. Thinking about them constantly.  Wishing constantly you could turn back time and do things differently.  Which made me think.  Would you change the past to not meet this said person at all or would you change it so that you both never get ‘caught’?  Such a hard choice.  I couldn’t love HIM or miss HIM if I never had met him. It really goes to show you how big a heart can be.  You have love for people and the available room in a heart never fills.  You have room to love so many at so many different levels.

So this little thing happened which made me want to blog.  It has never happened before.  Its not something I have blogged about.  EVER.  Wow, pretty shocking right?  I feel like if it has anything to do with a struggling marriage, an affair or pain pill addiction I have blogged it all but I haven’t.  Crazy?  YEAH I KNOW!

 

Well here it is.

I won’t post HIS personal story of what THEY (him and his wife) are going through but it is tough.  It is requiring a big move and she of course blames him. I’m not being ugly here, I see (kinda) why she blames him for this happening but also see that she could have helped in avoiding it (in my opinion).  Anyway to get to the subject of this post…. I asked him how she was doing.  I seriously cared.  I can’t imagine the weight on him and her disappointment on top of all of it.  His reply, “She’s doing okay.  I am trying to hold her together during all of this.”

 

Well there you have it ladies and gentlemen.

That stung.

I understood his response.

Fully.

I’m sure she is falling apart and freaking out and losing her shit constantly on the situation that is occurring.  I just wish he would have said, “She’s okay, taking it as you would imagine she would.”

But no.  He used the words, “I’m trying to HOLD HER together.”  UGH.

The ugly green giant peeked around the corner.  Fucking Jealousy.

I don’t want him holding her in anyway.  Close, tight or together.

I am not a jealous person.  I’m not.  The statement in no way meant physically holding her but still the words stung.

I do the same thing right?  I hold my husband together.  I stay in this marriage to hold him together from losing it and overdosing right? Its no different.

HE made a comment to me that when I found out I was pregnant (with my daughter that was born in Nov. 2014) and told him that he felt jealous. I couldn’t imagine how I would feel if he said they were having a baby.  So you see what I mean?  Things that really aren’t intended to hurt do.  Simply by wording or what you want to share with someone.  I want to be the one he holds together.   I am the one he’d love to be intimate with… maybe not have a baby… lol we are both too old to even think of that right now.  But you get my idea.   I don’t think being jealous ever came into play with us. So I talked to him about it.  He said it comes into play all the time.  He said he is jealous that my husband gets to come home to me every night.  He’s jealous that he gets to lay next to me at night.  He’s jealous that I get to talk to him in person at the end of each of my days.  Its just not like that.  Its so not the happy, normal marriage.  It is having a room mate.   You tell your room mate about your day.  “It was okay, its fracking freezing in my office at work!” and then you walk to the couch and sit down and watch your show.  We do the kids, homework, baths, etc, then he retires to bed to watch whatever it is he watches as I tidy up.  I will usually have a glass of wine or sometimes tea and sit on the couch reading.   I sit there soaking in the quietness thinking about what I’d be doing if I was with someone that adored me and wanted to spend that alone quiet time WITH me.  That is when I miss HIM most.

So I guess the point of this post is to get off my chest that all couples are going to have ‘together moments’ even if they aren’t in a ‘together’ place.  And that clearly things aren’t always as they appear.

HE laughed at my feelings saying, “I assure you we are no closer and couldn’t be further apart, I am sleeping on a couch downstairs and she has the bed in the room.  I use the room to get dressed each day and that is it.”

I don’t understand how two people, well four technically if you count my husband and his wife, are okay living this way?  It sounds so absurd.  That we would all stay together for the sake of kids and our spouses from making poor life choices.  Its crazy to me that you would put aside your own happiness for the happiness of others.  I just do it because it seems so selfish not to.   I don’t know.  I don’t want my children to know their father died in a car on the side of the road from taking a handful of pills, (like he almost did a few years ago remember?) because I divorced him.  I don’t want that.  I want no part of that.

So I go on…

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16 thoughts on “The ugly green troll peeked around the corner. His name tag read, “Jealousy.”

  1. My partner had depression for a long time. It made him nasty, unloving and a nightmare. I stayed with him because I loved him and I was scared f what would happen if i didnt. I’d cry and cry. I loved him but I couldn’t live with him. I thought I had found someone who would love me for real. But at the end of day, he wasn’t my partner and when reality started to take hold it turned out he was far from perfect himself.

    I can’t imagine your pain and strength when you have kids involved etc. But we came out the other side. I didn’t give up on my partner and we are still together. Yes I rely on others for support as you will see from my blog, but we came out the other side and I love my partner more than ever. Things are healing.

    I hope this can give you some hope for your situation. x

  2. Oh man- I related all too well with this post. I feel the jealousy monster when they make a big purchase- it makes me think or wonder how they collaborated on that, or how two people could possibly agree on such a stupid thing to buy. For some reason, one little sentence said can make you question a million things he said to me. I’ve been with my “HIM” for over 5 years. It has been seamless at times and messy at others. I’m sorry for your pain- I can’t imagine dealing with missing HIM and dealing with addiction at home. Any red blooded American in your situation couldn’t help but compare and miss HIM like crazy. Please keep writing. Xo

  3. Glad to hear from you today. Your doing a yeoman’s job keeping things together in a difficult struggle. Your children are the gift from being “caught” earlier and hopefully they feel a closeness as a family. My children are older now and talk about how they missed that in their late teen years. As for jealousy, yes, I see my partner get jealous when I need to speak with my ex, despite the fact I live with my partner. I am not concerned in the reverse of the situation because her ex is the father of the children and many thing still must be resolved by the two parent. She still sees the green monster after I have a phone call or visit. I chalk it up to her emotions.

  4. It’s not your fault or your responsibility what another person does because they are broken and addicted and weak. I think you know that.

    Sometimes being selfish is synonymous with self-care. Selfish has negative connotations, but it isn’t (or shouldn’t be) inherently negative. Taking care of yourself is necessary to be a complete, happy person who actually has something to give.

    It really seems like you have locked yourself into this unhappy cycle of martyrdom. You’re taking responsibility for a grown ass adult who should be taking responsibility for himself, all the while refusing to take responsibility for yourself and your happiness.

    It is a difficult cycle to break. I’m sorry that you seem stuck in the same unproductive merry-go-round. I wish you happiness in your future.

  5. It feels more and more everyday that the new “norm” for married couples sounds just exactly like the existence you explained. And that’s all it is, existing. Truly sad.

  6. I just found your blog, and I relate to so many things you have written. My affair ended when my husband confronted me about it after following us. I confessed and he confronted HIM and made HIM tell HIS wife. Now I am separated from my husband and son, and HE is still at home with his wife and kids. I am so jealous. I do not know what is going on with HIM, because we have had limited contact. But I know he is still at home with her, and that I am alone and consumed by thoughts of HIM. It is so hard to talk to people about it because most people want me to just get over HIM. They do not see how our feelings could be real. they say he was just after sex, but I know it was so much more than that. No one understands that the neglect and controlling behavior at home was too much for me, but the idea of taking my son away from his father was unthinkable. My friends ask why I just did not leave my husband before I got too attached to HIM. That would have been the right thing to do. Thank you for your blog, it’s nice to know I’m not the only one out there that misses her MM.

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